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I don't know how to get my teenager to respect me and mend our relationship

The last 3 years my r.ship with my 15 yr olds Son has gotten worse. He was continuously swearing at me, breaking property in our house, refused to come home, refused to engage in conversation without getting mad. He loves to smoke pot and cigarettes. I've contacted law enforcement 3 different occasions, and wthout going into specifics, they weren't helpful. He was arrested last summer for stealing a bike on a dare. Probation is completed. As far as I know, he's not breaking that kind of law, however, he purchases pot on a regular basis. It's gotten so bad that I had to make a really hard decision. I rented my own house out and let my Son's bestfriends family move in. They live there, along with my Son, yes my son, without me. Some have said i abandoned him. I did not. I take care of all his needs except for a shelter. I talk to him every day and see him every other day. His father died over 6 yrs ago of crack overdose. Noah had a crazy childhood.He seen us fight all the time, he was left at crack houses, out in the car in the dark while his dad made drug deals. My family isn't supportive, they give their opinion but have never stepped up to help. Ive looked into bootcamps, teen ranches, counselors, either I would have to be wealthy to pay for these services, or, well, the 3 counselors I found weren't a good fit. The church we used to attend had a few teen leaders to mentor Noah. Slowly, that dicipated as well. Please help, anyone. I don't really think i made a terrible dcision to let him live with his friends family, because the day I decided it was like this...We were yelling, he threw my phone across the room, shattered my phone, and shattered the tv stand. He threw a coffee cup and broke that as well. This breaking things in the house has slowly increased. He seems so angry and wants an escape but i can't reach him and get close. I can't find anyone to step in and help. I had to step away from our living together because it was getting potentially dangerous for both of us. He cusses me out to no end, screams, does what he wants, and when I've lost my cool, I do the same. I was so stressed, I went to the hospitallast November, with heart attack symptoms. I love my Son with all of my heart, and I want a good relationsip with him. If there is anything anyone can say or do, or offer, I am listening...

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Asked by Anonymous at 8:57 PM on Aug. 14, 2011 in Teens (13-17)

Answers (8)
  • Were the 3 counselors not a good fit or did they tell you things you don't want to hear?? BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF WHEN YOU THINK THAT QUESTION OVER!

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:03 AM on Aug. 15, 2011

  • It sounds like your son had a very hard childhood. It would not be easy to grow up in that kind of situation. It seems to me that your son is acting out because he wants to be loved. Teenage years are hard. There are so many conflicting feelings that it is hard to sort them all out. If you want to mend your relationship, I would start slowly so he does not feel like you are trying to take over his life. If I was in your shoes, I would start by taking one day a week or two days a months, or whatever your schedule allows and take him somewhere. Do whatever he wants to do. Let him pick. Make the day all about him. Do not talk about anything personal for a while. Let your bond start to grow and get a base line bond working between the two of you. Once you have that base line worked out then you can start to work on the harder stuff. Slowly but surely. It is not going to progress as fast as you want but you can not push yourself on

    Answer by shortcakes13 at 5:28 PM on Aug. 15, 2011

  • him or he is going to retreat back. You will push him away. It seems to me that you need to build up trust and that is not easy. An open and honest relationship is the best thing. I would rather have my children tell me everything, if i do not approve then sneak around and do it behind my back. It is hard not to get angry and judge but you cannot do that. Many teenagers just want their parents to try and understand and listen to them. They may seem like they no longer care about their parents but that is the farthest from the truth. You need to set an example and not yell and get upset. If he sees you ding this then he is going to believe that this is acceptable behavior, which it is not. As far as the marijuana smoking goes, I would just be happy that he is not into harder things. I would not push the issue. This is one of the things you can tackle after your bond is stronger and he respects your opinion. Hope this helps!

    Answer by shortcakes13 at 5:35 PM on Aug. 15, 2011

  • We have had some issues and our child has grown up in a hard environment. I would suggest the book: TeenProofing by Dr. John Rosemond. He is VERY straight forward and could possibly make you mad, BUT his reasoning comes from (I believe) a heart of letting you be FREE from your child's decisions. His decisions need to be his and yours need to be yours for him. I would mail you a copy if I could!!!! They even have it at most libraries.

    Answer by beluvdwife at 10:53 PM on Aug. 15, 2011

  • There is a great humorous book called 'Surviving Your Adolescence' If you follow the advice you can resolve any child raising issues.

    Answer by 1northwestmom at 3:43 AM on Aug. 18, 2011

  • As far as the 3 counselors my son was an older women that he just wasn't connecting with her therefore wasn't being open. Second one quit without notice. The third one was a very nice Godly man but after a few sessions he said that Noah was a nice young man and as long as we just listen to each other we probably didn't need his services any further. Ty for asking that, a very good question. Next, I have started spending one day a week with my Son, doing whatever he wants to do. Sometimes more than that if he wants me to take him to eat something really quick. I've been doing this for over a month now. Some days are bad, ie. yelling, swearing, etc. But, slowly, the time we spend together are getting better. There is more dialogue than fighting. I'm so greatful that I found this sight. Thank you so much for all of your responses. I so appreciate them.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 8:26 PM on Aug. 20, 2011

  • GOOD!! I am glad your are spending time with your son!! Hold in there sweetie... things will get better!!

    Answer by shortcakes13 at 5:01 AM on Aug. 21, 2011

  • Get him into counselling double-quick. Early intervention is so important in these types of situations.

    Answer by cleanaturalady at 4:39 PM on Aug. 21, 2011

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