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When is it too much?

I have a very good friend (sometimes). She is one of those speak before thinking people. Anywho, she had a miscarriage a bit over a year ago and has had like a mental breakdown. Its understandable. But she is downright mean about it!! She refuses to go to our other friends baby showers. She wont come over if they bring their babies... its crazy! I have had seven total miscarriages, and I dont recall acting this way. I know everyone is different in the situation, but its to the point where its so offensive.

We did a Sub-for-Santa and she brought the stuff she had purchased over, and when she found out that the family was having a new baby she took the stuff she had bought and left. I am to the point that I almost dont even want to continue our friendship... Would you say something?!? How would you approach it?!? Obviously its a sensitive issue... I just think she is acting like a child.

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adoptivemommy24

Asked by adoptivemommy24 at 10:57 AM on Dec. 24, 2008 in Relationships

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Answers (10)
  • WOW!! Tough situation. Yes, i would say something to your friend about how her action is affecting everyone around her. Tell her you understand her sorrow but she cant act like that.
    aznblond9

    Answer by aznblond9 at 11:03 AM on Dec. 24, 2008

  • I feel that you should definitely sit her down and suggest that she get counseling. If she has tried that and it hasn't worked, then maybe talk to her yourself and try to be as understanding as you can. If it has been a year then you need to help her get to the acceptance part of the grieving process. This doesn't sound like healthy behavior and if no one steps in it will probably lead to even more of a downward spiral.
    micrespo

    Answer by micrespo at 11:03 AM on Dec. 24, 2008

  • Sounds like your friend is in need of help. She obviously is not dealing with her miscarraige very well and needs professional help to sort out what her feelings are etc... If she is a true friend and you care about her I would talk to her about how her actions are effecting you and others. Then I would suggest she get help. She can speak with her doctor who could recommend treatment.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:12 AM on Dec. 24, 2008

  • Your frustration is certainly understandable. She has been unable to come out of her grieving process. She may be afraid that being around other babies will hurt her too much, although this doesn't explain why she'd take the stuff she brought. In a private room- her place or yours- warn her ahead of time that you "need to talk" when you set up the meeting with her so she won't be blindsided- talk about her behavior and that even though you care for her greatly that if she continues to push everyone away that she won't have friends. She may say So What? If she does then point out that she will be very alone then. There may be tears. Ask her what she thinks she needs to do. Guide her into saying that she needs professional help. Tell her that with help she'll be able to get on with her life. Bless you for being such a good friend to her.
    Bmat

    Answer by Bmat at 11:19 AM on Dec. 24, 2008

  • First off, I'm so sorry for your loss and for your friend's loss as well. I am sure that it is a very sensitive issue and a very difficult thing to go through. You should try to talk to your friend and ask her why she finds it so hard to be happy for others. Let her know that you understand her grief but she can't expect the world to stop having babies because she had a tragedy. It's hard to be around someone that not only refuses to celebrate someone else's good fortune, but also want you to feel bad for celebrating. Honestly it sounds a bit like a plea for attention, but I wouldn't say as much to her because it could hurt her more. Be as honest and delicate as you can but make sure you stress the need to be happy for others.
    beckcorc

    Answer by beckcorc at 11:48 AM on Dec. 24, 2008

  • It sounds like she is not handling her loss very well, and maybe she needs some therapy. I would sit down with her and explain that people are beginning to notice what she is doing and that they are wondering what they can do to help her. I don't know if I would actually suggest therapy, I have some friends who would rip your head right off your shoulders if you suggested it. I guess that would depend on how you feel your friend would handle it.
    tropicalmama

    Answer by tropicalmama at 11:59 AM on Dec. 24, 2008

  • Everyone deals with loss differently. However, this is extreme behavior symptomatic of a personality disorder. She should seek psychiatric help. It's up to you if you want to continue the friendship. It's worth mentioning, however, that it's very difficult to maintain a true friendship with someone like this until they do get help. There is alot of acceptance and healing that must take place on her end before she can give to anyone else... you know the saying, "you can't love anyone until you love yourself" ?? it's true.
    mrsmostafa

    Answer by mrsmostafa at 12:16 PM on Dec. 24, 2008

  • i would sit her down and kindly tell her although yes ppl deal with thinkgs differently (and i personally have had 3 miscarriages and still managed to fake happiness when my friends found out they were pregnant shortly after) but explain her behavior toward this is not normal and she really needs to seek counseling for wht she is going through because its putting her friendships on the line offer to go with her if she would like
    mommie2twogirls

    Answer by mommie2twogirls at 9:09 PM on Dec. 24, 2008

  • So, I love all of your advice very much.. Here is the thing. When I said she was a good friend (sometimes), I really meant it on that sometimes part. I had miscarried 4 times before she was married, and she came over one day and I was miserable on the couch because yet again I was losing a baby... and she yelled at me about how I was negligent for not going to the hospital to try to stop the miscarriage. (Maybe some of you will see it that way too, but I have had so many miscarriages I know there is nothing to be done for it... and I was tired of hearing doctors say it would happen when the time is right...)
    adoptivemommy24

    Answer by adoptivemommy24 at 11:52 PM on Dec. 24, 2008

  • cont...
    Anyways, she was flat out rude to me!!!
    We get together once a month as a group of married couples, and two of them (including her) announced that they were pregnant... and she looked at me with a snotty little attitude, and told me infront of the group that I was missing out on the "mommy experience" and it sucked to be me.
    Knowing how she has been in the past towards me with the whole baby situation, it really makes it hard for me to want to be sweet and kind with her. Does that make sense? Or am I just being bitter?
    adoptivemommy24

    Answer by adoptivemommy24 at 11:52 PM on Dec. 24, 2008

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