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What do you do when you dont like the girlfriend?

My son is 18. His g/f is 16. She is just...terrible. She is rude, mean to him, yells at him, calls him names etc. First time she met my son's brother, she said rude things to him. Since she has been around he's only been miserable. They've only dated a few months but he always seems to be in a fight with her (her calling him names; him trying to calm her down & apoligizing even when he has no idea what he did). He is a very gentle, soft spoken person by nature. Sometimes when they fight he asks me to talk to her for him. I refused. She is bi polar. I feel for her but I am concerned about him. Should I talk to her about how she treats him (since he asked me to)? I just dont care for her at all due to her behavior.

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 5:30 PM on Dec. 24, 2008 in Adult Children (18+)

This question is closed.
Answers (17)
  • my son who is 18 just went thru that. That is abuse (emotional! & thats how she has learned to control him & others) discuss it with him by pointing out that its abuse. dont discuss it with her unless you witness this behavior then call her on it... on the spot. not in regards to what he has told you but her behavior & the correct behavior you expect her to use in your house & around your son. I encouraged my son to get involved in other activities & as soon as he did another young "lady" (yes, a nice, respectable, manorly..young lady) chased after him. They are together now. She is proud to be wth him & dont mind saying or showing it. she is lovely thru & thru. Thank GOD!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:25 AM on Dec. 26, 2008

  • It's not really your place to get involved in his relationship.
    He chose her. If he doesn't like her, he should end things. It's not up to you to talk to her. It's not up to you to do anything more than tell him that he doesn't have to be treated that way, and that it's not right- hopefully you've set a good example and can pull from yourself and say "your father doesn't treat me like that, and I don't treat him that way.. In our relationship it is not acceptable to speak to each other that way."

    But speaking as someone with in-laws who I hate, who make up whatever they want about me, and who have such a backwards view of my relationship with their son, I would caution you to know some boundaries.
    Liyoness

    Answer by Liyoness at 5:37 PM on Dec. 24, 2008

  • OP here: I did tell him he should not allow her to treat him like that. I asked him what her parents would say if he talked to her to badly & he said "She probably wouldnt want to be with me" (well duh Son!) I told him that when you love someone you dont act like that. My husband does not yell & scream at me nor I at him. We dont call each other bad names. He does nice things for me & I for him. For some reason my son, doesnt seem to see this as an example of a good relationship(which we do have). I really dont want to be involved in it but he keeps asking me to talk to her & I really dont want to. The longer he is w/ her the more i dont like her.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:50 PM on Dec. 24, 2008

  • Well, keep in mind that she is young. Most girls at 16 are crass and think the world of themselves. Couple that with having an older boyfriend, and they're basically untouchable..

    Just wait it out.

    I've been with my husband (off and on) since we were 16. In that time, during our off periods, obviously, I saw him with other girls- younger girls. He thought the world of them because they made him feel like he was something special.. They were gorgeous and popular, and it made him feel worthy to be with them.. (Whereas I knew him inside and out and did not worship the ground he walks on)
    Liyoness

    Answer by Liyoness at 6:29 PM on Dec. 24, 2008

  • They in turn, treated him like garbage.. And yet he gave them leverage because, ooh, looky here- he was with them at 16, rather than someone his own age (me), and it made them feel better about themselves, and in its own way, the relationship was give and take.

    But inevitably all of those relationships ended, and he settled down with someone more on his level, (me), who could appreciate him through his faults, and even find strength in some of them.. And who could pick him up for all his best qualities and make him feel outstanding..
    Liyoness

    Answer by Liyoness at 6:31 PM on Dec. 24, 2008

  • Moral of the story- your son will eventually find someone to give him the confidence to not have to deal with crap.

    (And FWIW- my husband and I began as best friends. In fact, we were nothing but friends for a long while, and have remained at the core best friends ever since.. Even when we were not together in a relationship, we were always drawn to each other - right through all the bad girlfriends.. What has sustained our relationship is not having a NEED to BE in a relationship in order to mean something to one another -
    Liyoness

    Answer by Liyoness at 6:33 PM on Dec. 24, 2008

  • Your son will find a similar woman- and mind, she will be a WOMAN, not merely a girl..
    It's no doubt hard as a mom to have to sit back through all the crap (I know I had a hard enough time dealing with it as a best friend/ ex girlfriend for a number of years), but all the wisdom in the world won't help him until he learns it on his own and understands how to truly BE happy in a relationship, and also, to make someone else happy... He may seem the perfect boyfriend to you, but make no mistake- he's not meeting all of her needs, either, which is why this is such a poor match and she's treating him in such a way..
    Liyoness

    Answer by Liyoness at 6:35 PM on Dec. 24, 2008

  • OP here: By no means do I think he's "perfect". He can be highly annoying at times. And he insistently talks about cars & motors. BUT, he's not a bad person to the point he needs to be called an "a**hole" everyday & a "liar". They got in a fight one day because she was CONVINCED he had "thought" about cheating on her. See, it can be just insane really. Well, I know I cant do much. I just dont want to see this go on much longer...it cant be good for her either.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:52 PM on Dec. 24, 2008

  • I would continue to refuse to talk to her. I would tell my son (and he is only 7, so I'm doing hypothetical here) that I raised him to be an intelligent, capable man. Part of that capability is handling his relationship and his girlfriend himself. If he doesn't want to be with her, doesn't like the way she treats him, etc., it is his job to deal with it, by talking to her or ending things.

    About the only thing I would do would be to tell him that I don't like the way she treats him. I would put it as "I don't like the way she treats you. It's your choice to be with her, and I respect and support that, but I think you deserve better." And I'm not even sure I'd say that.
    tropicalmama

    Answer by tropicalmama at 8:01 PM on Dec. 24, 2008

  • I think you need to talk to her parents about her attitude. If she is that way ,I wouldn't let her in my house. Tell your Son to go to her house and see her. Let her parents deal with her attitude.

    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 8:06 PM on Dec. 24, 2008

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