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2 Bumps

My husband can't bond with my son

I'm recently re-married. About 9 months. There has been a lot of tension recently and most of it revolves around my 8 yr son. He informed me the other day that he doesn't have an emotional connection to my son and doesn't think he will ever be able to form one. He doesn't want to be part of his life, i.e. baseball games, school stuff. He just doesn't want to feel guilty if we have children that he will give that child all of the stuff that I want him to do with my son.

It's not like I hid the fact I had a child before we got married. He just didn't realize how it was going to be.

Is it important that his stepfather is involved in his life?

Just so you know, my son comes first in my world, and while I want my marriage to work I will never compromise my son's happiness. Right now my son is unaware that any of this is going on.

I think my husband just doesn't want to try.

And has anyone ever been through this at all?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 12:55 PM on Aug. 17, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (26)
  • yes very important for him to be a part of his life and involved with him.

    i have not gone through that .. my husb
    and and my son get along good and they have a bond building.

    it would get tough if you have another child, because then your eight year old will see the difference. is the eight years old dad involved in his life?

    Answer by Supermommy1129 at 12:59 PM on Aug. 17, 2011

  • Your son will figure it out eventually. Who is more important right now DH or son? Before you have a child with this man. You better think about it.

    Answer by louise2 at 12:59 PM on Aug. 17, 2011

  • This exact thingnwas on dr. Phil the other day. U can't expect ur husband to have an emotional bond right away...if ever. It's not his kid. He may grow to like him, but u really can't expect more than that. I have been married to my DH for almost 7 hrs and we've been together for 12. While I get along with his almost 15 yr old son, there is absolutely no emotional attachment. Everyone is different. And yes if u have children, of course he will pay more attention to's HIS child.

    Answer by calliesmommie at 12:59 PM on Aug. 17, 2011

  • My DH was awesome with my son from 6 yrs to about 11 yrs. He, I have discovered, is a totally different (and HORRIBLE) father to a teenager. He has no patience, no tolerance. My son is now 18 and has loads of resentment towards my DH (well, warranted) and I do too.

    Answer by Dahis at 1:01 PM on Aug. 17, 2011

  • I am a stepmother, met my SS when he was 6, he is now 19. While your husband doesn't need to act like your son's dad, he most definitely needs to be a kind and positive adult in your son's life. He needs to care for him and support him...and he needs to care for and support YOU, which means attending the baseball games with you, etc... My SS has 2 parents, so I never tried to be "mom" but I did make his favorite meals when he was with us, attend the events, have family game nights togehter, etc... I didn't do this because I loved my step son, I did it because I love my husband and HE loves his son. Is it possible your husband is feeling like he is expected to become "dad" ? Maybe if you take that pressure off of him and let him know that he doesn't, and he's not expected to love your son the same as he would his own, it will make it easier for him. How does your husband treat your son?

    Answer by gramsmom at 1:01 PM on Aug. 17, 2011

  • Calliesmom, Did Dr. Phil say it was okay or even normal? I don't expect for him to love my son that way I do. He is of me. No one could ever love him as much as I do.

    And no his father isn't involved in his life.


    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 1:04 PM on Aug. 17, 2011

  • I basically wrote what he said...he told one of the mothers that it is absolutely normal to not have a bond right away...he did say however that he should make an attempt to be part of his life...the mother was almost forcing him to be a "dad" figure right away....he did state that the pressure may have had something to do with it. I guess the situation would be different without the father being in his life. My DHs son lives with his mom full time so I have never felt the need to try and be a mom to him. I bet the episode would be on YouTube if u looked for it.

    Answer by calliesmommie at 1:07 PM on Aug. 17, 2011

  • I would not have kids with a man that finds it impossible to bond with an 8 year old kid. I would tell him if he can't try with one kid, I won't be having any more for him to neglect. By marrying you, that became his son.

    Answer by Flippindadaisie at 1:08 PM on Aug. 17, 2011

  • He treats him with indifference. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't want him around. He always says that we didn't get a chance to be alone together when we are newlyweds. I told him that he shouldn't have married a single mother then. He suggested getting my son's real father involved in his life. But before we got married he was completely against that.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 1:10 PM on Aug. 17, 2011

  • This is what strikes me from your question: you say that right now your son has no idea this is going on. Even if your DH is an Academy Award winning actor, your son likely has picked up on the fact that your DH does not want to get involved. Kids are perceptive, and especially if your son has no other father figure in his life, he will certainly know that this person is not going to fill that roll. A roll he probably wishes someone would fill for him. Living with that would be hard enough, to consider adding to it that you and DH may have children in the future that he has already stated he will be involved with while not being involved with your son, I think you need to really sit and imagine how that would feel for your son. I honestly think it would likely do permanent damage. To me, if your DH is unable to love, bond with, be committed to and involved with BOTH you and your son, then I don't think he is right for you. GL

    Answer by MaryMW at 1:12 PM on Aug. 17, 2011

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