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How can I get my fiance to understand that his daugther is disrespecting my girls & I by lavishing him with gifts while completely excluding us?

This issue of disprepect actually broke us up a couple of months ago. He told his daughter that he was not going to allow her to disrespect us anymore. She chose not to spend Christmas with us...then went to her house (she lives with his mother & her mother) and received arm loads of presents. When he came in the door with the gifts I commented "I would never allow my children to purchase me gifts & not you. I even encourage my children to include their step-mother when purchasing gifts for their father. To me this is disrespectful - a direct stab in my back and a slap across my girls' faces." He responded by throwing the gifts out the door and going to his mothers' (where is daugther & ex live) and telling them they were no longer allowed to by him gifts. I tried to explain that he may be eliminating one issue (in the wrong way I believe) but he is not resolving the underlying problem - disrespect towards our union.

HELP!

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EternalHope312

Asked by EternalHope312 at 1:56 PM on Dec. 28, 2008 in Teens (13-17)

Level 1 (0 Credits)
Answers (14)
  • Expecting gifts is a bad idea and usually leads to disappointment.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:20 PM on Dec. 28, 2008

  • I think you are being petty and selfish by throwing a fit because you didn't get anything.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:27 PM on Dec. 28, 2008

  • Gifts are just that........gifts. They're not obligations, and should never be expected either. Nobody is ever required to buy for everyone or even all the time. I think you're crossing the line.
    EireLass

    Answer by EireLass at 2:28 PM on Dec. 28, 2008

  • So you're trying to dictate how this girl's relationship with her father is supposed to be, based on you and your daughters' feelings and expectations, then expect her to respect you? Can you see how that is counter-productive to everything you're trying to do? All you're doing is causing more resentment. Would you want to buy gifts for someone who did to you what you are doing to her?

    The three of you need to sit down together, preferably with a professional, and work this out. Putting your fiance in the middle of something like this is unfair to him. You can't blame him for being at a loss on how to handle the situation. He's stuck between you and his daughter. He's trying to find a compromise. You are refusing to bend even a little.
    desert_diva

    Answer by desert_diva at 3:00 PM on Dec. 28, 2008

  • If it's so hurtful to you and your daughters, put the girl in the car and take her shopping for gifts. Problem solved. It's not his ex-wife's responsiblity to buy gifts for you and your daughters!!!
    desert_diva

    Answer by desert_diva at 3:28 PM on Dec. 28, 2008

  • I would not expect his daughter to buy you or your children anything. JMO.
    Southerncharmes

    Answer by Southerncharmes at 4:14 PM on Dec. 28, 2008

  • You are being very weird and selfish about the whole thing.
    It's her dad. Get over it. Damn.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:09 PM on Dec. 28, 2008

  • I can tell that this relationship is doomed already.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:09 PM on Dec. 28, 2008

  • Respect is earned and takes time. Nobody can force them to buy you presents. Your fiance can decline gifts and ask them not to buy for him in the future. His daughter should be allowed to receive gifts from his mother and her mother. Not everyone is like you and you must respect that if you ever want them to warm up to you. I tell you that you are better off being a great example and being confident that you deserve the respect even if you don't get it right now. Ask your fiance to tone down the advertisement of the gift giving but give him a break. You aren't one big happy family - at least not yet. Remember too that their lack of respect toward you should never be allowed in YOUR home. What they are doing (or not doing) shows so much more about them than about you.
    happi-ladi

    Answer by happi-ladi at 10:07 PM on Dec. 28, 2008

  • U get respect when u give it-I would be ashamed of myself for antagonizing dh to throw out the gifts. Honestly I would not be surprised if this girl never forgives u and at some point this will destroy your marriage. The fact that u refer to your kids as "my girls" and "his daughter" is a problem right there-she didn't pop up yesterday and this stuff should have been resolved before the wedding. He is her father-let them work it out w/o any interference from u or what YOU think is right. Don't take away a girls dad to benefit yourself, please.
    Bearsjen

    Answer by Bearsjen at 12:42 AM on Dec. 29, 2008

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