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my daughters biological father never new about her and she has been raised by my x who is her older brothers dad and is also on her birth certificate. her biological father found out from one of my friends and now he wants to meet her. my x will be furious. she knows she is different because she is dark skinned and very Hispanic looking her brothers all have fair skin blond hair. she is six. i dont know what to do please help

is it fair to her to do this how will it effect her in the long run any suggestion will help

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Asked by goddessrobin at 3:08 AM on Dec. 29, 2008 in General Parenting

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Answers (11)
  • He has a right to meet her. You should have told him.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:18 AM on Dec. 29, 2008

  • I dated a guy who always knew his dad was not his father, but his mother would never admit it or allow him to meet him. His mother's sister introduced them when he was 22 and he had a great relationship with him for the next few years before he died. Turns out, real father had been at ballgames that "dad" never attended. He knew who I was - his first gf - who "dad" never chose to meet. We dated for nearly 3 yrs. I believe bio father would've been a blessing in his life if he'd have been able to know him.

    If he's interested and she already knows she's different, I'd say let her. He doesn't have to become "Daddy" if X fills that spot, but she can't have too many people loving her either. If you feel it's not a good situation - he's in some way "bad" - then no. Don't do it. But if he's just a good guy from your past that you don't want to deal with for your own reasons, try to be fair for her and him.

    Answer by GrowingMama at 3:21 AM on Dec. 29, 2008

  • I agree it is his right and it was very wrong to keep it from him. There are plenty of kids who dads choose to have nothing to do with their kid, and since he wants to let him. Whatever problems it brings will only be your fault and you only have yourself to blame. Anyways if you dont he can take you to court and get his rights. I think you need to do the right thing and let him see his child.

    Answer by BIMOM21 at 3:28 AM on Dec. 29, 2008

  • I would go right away to family court to set up a parenting plan over things like custody & any other legal details.
    However,being you did not tell him or give him an option by this to be a father.
    This could be negative on you and impact your daughters over all well being and the relationship she deserved with her father and his side of the family.
    Bottom line get this settled for everyones best interests.

    Answer by Baby1114 at 7:17 AM on Dec. 29, 2008

  • I agree with Baby1114!
    My mother kept the truth about my biological father from me my entire life. I was told various stories that he died shortly after I was born, then it was he walked out on us, and a bunch of other reasons why he was not in our life. Turns out he lived 7 miles from me the entire time I was growing up, and has been married for the past 35+ years! I also found out I have 3 half siblings (as an only child I always wanted siblings)! I'm now 40, and VERY happily married. I only REALLY learned the truth about him a few years ago. As a result of all of my mothers lies I no longer have anything to do with my mother--and too many years have passed to introduce myself to my father--who am I to screw with someone else's life after all these years?

    Answer by LoriKeet at 8:39 AM on Dec. 29, 2008

  • l feel my mother robbed me of at least the OPPORTUNITY to meet my father--good, bad or indifferent, it should have been MY CHOICE to make--especially once I became an adult!
    Children are VERY perceptive--they can see right through people. If you have a solid family life there is nothing to fear--your daughter isn't going to want to move in with him! And if you keep this from her, and she finds out years later, as I did, the damage MIGHT be irreparable!

    Answer by LoriKeet at 8:39 AM on Dec. 29, 2008

  • I feel that this should have never been kept from her. Her real father was never given the opportunity to be a father to her and now has lost out on 6 years. I feel that you owe it to not only him but your daughter as well to allow him to be a part of her life. If your ex gets upset about it then that is something that you will have to deal with between the 2 of you but you can't allow him to come in between the potential relationship of your daughter and her biological father.


    Answer by micrespo at 9:51 AM on Dec. 29, 2008

  • I'm 37 and found out I had a different dad at 14. Last year I met my biological dad and we are getting to know each other. He did not know of me. This has created A LOT of issues btw my mother and I. I feel robbed and cheated by not having the chance to know the family I had on his side. In the least, I deserved financial support. And, most of these feelings did not begin to surface until I was 30 and began to have my own children. That father deserves to have a DNA test and the chance to know his child. If not, there may be consequences you don't even see in the future that affect your relationship with your child. You may think you made choices that benefit the child, but they aren't always ONLY yours to make. Be careful and attempt to fix things now. I can barely stand to be in the same room with my mother--the one who claims to 'love me so much." I see how selfish she was. I see every lie, every bit of deceit.

    Answer by Teachermom01 at 9:58 AM on Dec. 29, 2008

  • Regardless of the situation surrounding your daughter's birth, for all intents and purpose your ex is her dad. That being said, I think it is a very good idea to talk with her bio father and explain why you did what you did and how the situation is now. If he just wants to see her and stir shit up and then leave, he is not welcome. If he wants to meet her and be an active part of her life, he needs to be able to make that commitment to her and follow through. Is he capable of doing that? You had your reasons for doing what you did. As far as your ex goes, it's understandable if he gets upset, he accepts her as his. Validate his feelings and understand this day was bound to happen. I wish the best for you and your family.

    Answer by MomShawn70 at 10:31 AM on Dec. 29, 2008

  • I think if he wants to be part of her life NOW is the best time to let it start. She is old enough to understand but still young enough to develop a really great relationship with her biological father. Im not going to judge your decision to not tell her BEFORE, but I def. think they both have the right t get to know each other.

    Good Luck

    Answer by AMsMommy212 at 12:22 PM on Dec. 29, 2008

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