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Like Father, Like Son...

Here's the Q: So, ugh, the story goes...met this guy shortly after my XH walked out after 7 yrs of marriage leaving me with a 16 y/o and 5 y/o. FDH appeared to play a part of a guy who really doted on his kids (now 15y/o girl & 12 y/o boy) and took care of his family (entire family). So I find out months later that he was living in his mother's home to have her "raise" his kids and he'd do odd jobs around the house to compensate (after 12 hr days at work, of course). Problem is entitlement. The kid thinks he should get what he wants and when, so does G-ma, and so does dad. Now that we're in our own home. This child (w/b 13 in May) has not a shred of manners. None at the table, interruptions, you name it. I've done the rule setting, but dad wants to "make him smile" and give him what the H&*# he wants. G-ma, no help either-she's worse. any suggestions on stepparenting a child with no real mother in the pic?

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trbld-w-stepboy

Asked by trbld-w-stepboy at 3:57 AM on Dec. 29, 2008 in Relationships

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Answers (4)
  • Communicate with the dad and let him know it just cannot happen. Your children are in the picture and the rules need to be across the board for all of them. His acting like this will have a ripple affect on yours - even if its just anger toward him and resentment because he gets away with it. That's enough to hurt. If dad won't help, step it up. Seek family counseling and go even if he doesn't. Blended families often need this to help work out these types of issues.
    GrowingMama

    Answer by GrowingMama at 4:22 AM on Dec. 29, 2008

  • I would sit down and talk to his father. He is the source of the issue and in control of how the relationship at home is going. As a step mom you really are the odd man out because it isnt your child but he is in your home which makes it difficult. I would also make sure to include his grandmother in the conversation at some point. I would ask his father what he expects from you as far as discipline goes, what your boundaries are, what the childs are and things like that. I would also ask that all the children have the same basic rules because otherwise it isnt sending a positive message to the kids.
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 8:02 AM on Dec. 29, 2008

  • This is the real question: Is there a reason you decided to live with this man or are you his wife? That boy doesn't need to change one iota if his father isn't commited 100% to you and your family. From your description, he was presenting a false impression of his family life. I thought you were going to be asking if you should continue a relationship like that. I think you are an intelligent, deserving woman who settled for someone too soon after the ex hurt you. There is more for you than what you are living. If you are married to this man, time to talk about respect and how together, you will dole out resources and what you expect a teenage boy to contribute to the household and do for himself! The apple didn't fall far from the tree but it's not too late for dad to learn.
    happi-ladi

    Answer by happi-ladi at 8:29 AM on Dec. 29, 2008

  • touchy subject..gemgem's right, you're the odd man out...but with your rightful place in your blended home, you should have a say on things. if your hub/mil isn't going to back you up, you'll be trying to go upstream w/o a paddle....and you'll never get anywhere. try to be patient, in your own way with this boy. yes, he's spoiled,but that doesn't mean its a dead-end street. show him love,patience,andeventually,sticking to your guns/heart will turn him around.he must learn to respect your place as an authoriative figure in his life, but you also have to earn that respect. try not to compare your two husbands-sometimes we want our current partner to be so different from the former, we 'see' them how we desire them, and that is hardly ever true to reality. now that you realize things aren't as 'fatherly' as you thought, you can use that knowledge to your betterment. in marriage, and in step-parenting.
    thehairnazi

    Answer by thehairnazi at 8:29 AM on Dec. 29, 2008

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