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12 year old girl

my daughter is soooooooooo mouthy,,she gives looks ..talks back,,,,,she acts like i did at 15 or 16,,,,,,,,I cant stand it anymore..I ask her to do something and she lashes out,,,,,,she gets a bad grade,,it is my fault!!! Anybody else deal w, this situation?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 6:15 AM on Dec. 29, 2008 in Tweens (9-12)

Answers (11)
  • She is a pre teen so her hormones are messing her up. Does she see that you get angry? I dealt with it twice and made it thru with no grey hairs.What you consider a bad grade and what she considers one may be 2 differnt things,also. This is the time when you need to step back and see what to do. Instead of getting mad, just count to 10.you may be counting a lot. Instead of saying something, ask her why,what, is_______________.? The next time she starts, right then and there, give her ultimatums and stick with it. Like if she continuously talks back, she loses ______. Another thing, has she started her period yet?
    Kat122

    Answer by Kat122 at 6:23 AM on Dec. 29, 2008

  • no i dont deal with this kind of problem with my 12 year old. she'll be 13 in march. even though my daughter dont act like that, she has a friend that rides the bus, has classes with & lives down the street from us DOES act like that to her mother. This girl hasnt been an influence yet, but i do worry about it. I keep telling my daughter that the schenes she has witnessed by this child is negative attention & somewhere down the line her positive attention getting has been replaced by negative. She has gotton the attention she has been wanting/needing in a negative manner so she keeps relaying it, gives the child control, the child pushes the buttons that get control her parents, even if its negative. takes the light off what the real problem is. It makes her mother so angry that even that i think is out of control.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:29 AM on Dec. 29, 2008

  • yes its definitely her hormones!!! my 12 year old does this all the time with her dad but not with me. if she does i guarantee she will start few days later its horrible!!!!

    shannonmarie759

    Answer by shannonmarie759 at 6:34 AM on Dec. 29, 2008

  • cont from above: Negative attn is a control factor. ,Negative attn is better than NO attention...negative always begets negative, it will get worse if you dont find a way to turn this around. take some parenting classes to help you with a structure/plan of action. She didnt just wake up one morning & start doing that, she has learned it & now she perfecting it. There is something she feels she is competeing with. My neighborhood girls (only child) parents divorce, Dad moved 300 miles away, very rarely around, mom has remarried & step-dad has a boy 2 yrs younger than the girl. She leads her mother around like a whiped dog. She makes everything out to her mothers fault. Screams & hits, so she & her mother actually fight! WRONG! I hope this helps you. look very closly at your daughters world, see what the real source is. Stop falling into her trap of control & negitive attention. Make it change for her & for YOU! good luck!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:41 AM on Dec. 29, 2008

  • I am sorry anon, but, its not always negative attention. Neither of my daughters had negative attention, but, they still had a mouth. It was like every other year, phew. I was/am a good mom and it doesn't always end with negatives. They were praised, always loved, and I never had parenting classes. All kids go thru this, I did, you did, 99.9% of people(teens) do. you can have awesome children until they hit puberty and BAMMMMM, seems like something else took over.If people tell the truth about their teens, they will be telling you exactly the same thing, all teens go thru it in one form or the other.
    Kat122

    Answer by Kat122 at 7:36 AM on Dec. 29, 2008

  • My dd acted the same way at 12. I had to put her in her place a couple of times then she stopped. It is the hormones and probably change in schools if she is in middle school. I would check to see if she has new friends by asking teachers and the principle. That can affect it also. Get to know her friends even if she wont let you by calling their parents etc.
    All of this is completely normal behavior and not your fault. I am a psych major and one of the things in my classes I learned was about adolescent behavior. Its a time when they try and find their own independence and identity which is why they rebel.
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 7:54 AM on Dec. 29, 2008

  • I understand the need to gain independence and identifying with one's self but disrespecting your mother should never be part of the itinerary. She wants to act like a bad a**, treat her like a bad a**. Take everything out of her room, radio, i-POD, t.v., etc. Leave nothing but her books and her bed. Every time she mouths off send her to her room and leave her there until she can behave like a normal young adult. If she gets bad grades, enroll her in tutoring. After missing out on her free time b/c of tutoring that she doesn't need b/c all she's doing is getting "even" with you maybe that will be one less problem, but to leave the behavior unchecked b/c it is "normal" is only going to encourage it and make it that much harder to fix in the future.
    micrespo

    Answer by micrespo at 10:26 AM on Dec. 29, 2008

  • Yep. It's the "pre" hormones kicking in because our 9 yr. old DD and 10 yr. old DS are going through the same thing. IMO, consistency is key. Stick to your grounds and when you set punishments, enforce them. And I know that it's easier said than done (because it's hard for us sometimes to not give in), but in the end, she'll see that her actions come with consequences. Also, believe it or not, we were told by our sons counselor (he's seeing one for some other issues), that kids ACTUALLY WANT PUNISHMENT as a source of safety because it helps them to realize that because we're reinforcing boundaries, we're here to guide them from right and wrong.

    LovingParent08

    Answer by LovingParent08 at 6:52 PM on Dec. 29, 2008

  • I think everyone is right to a point. Yes this is hormones, but the smack down has got to take place...(not literally). Put some discipline in her life and make her sorry that she spoke to you that way. Disrespect is HIGH, HIGH on my list of no no's. Once you begin disrespecting authority and think its okay, then you breed a lifetime of it. Unfortunately, employers, government and finances don't put up with it. I would warn her first of what is and isn't okay and ask her to make her feelings known in a calm way and ask to talk to you. So now she knows what is expected...then when she doesnt do it (thats inevitable), let her know up front whats going to happen...take away tv, cell phone, ipod, computer, ect..then if she still can't get it under control, you take everything out of her room except the bed and make sure you take the door. I call this lockdown. Funny, my teen is on lockdown right now.
    momofsaee

    Answer by momofsaee at 8:28 PM on Dec. 29, 2008

  • Yea. I have a twelve year old. She just got her first period this week. I engage her in conversations and activities that interest her. I compliment her good points. I let her know when she is over the line. I tell her I expect respect and when I don't get it, I let her know it isn't acceptable. She is going to have consequences for not doing as she is told (like the room!). I will not allow friends over for instance, unless the room is presentable. It's going to be constant reminders and teaching her what is ok and what isn't. I also do not take responsibility for what is hers. If she blamed me for her grades, I would ask her to explain it and then remind her that I will help her when I can but her grades are her responsiblity if I do my part. Hormones!
    happi-ladi

    Answer by happi-ladi at 10:28 PM on Dec. 29, 2008

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