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Wondering if my girlfriend has a girlfriend, how to ask??

This is a strange situation. I have a friend that has been my friend for a few years now. My husband & I were friends with her & her fiance. Until earlier this year when they broke up. For the last several months my friend has had a friend who goes everywhere with her. They took a graduation trip together, spend holidays with each others family, are basically never apart. I am not a judgemental person and don't care at all if they are in a relationship. But, it is just weird. I feel like I need to come right out and ask her, but I have no idea how to say it. If you have any advice I appreciate it!

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Asked by Anonymous at 9:17 AM on Dec. 29, 2008 in Relationships

Answers (7)
  • I'm pretty bold, so I'd just outright ask and tell her that it makes no difference at all to you, you're just curious. When they're together, do they act like they're "together"? Watch them together and you may not even need to ask but rather comment on how happy she seems to be now that she's spending so much time with the "friend" and how happy that makes you (to see her happy)

    Answer by lisa_ann_p at 9:21 AM on Dec. 29, 2008

  • I don't think I have a single friend that I couldn't say "You sampling from the other side of the buffet?" and offend anyone, so I might be coming from a different perspective. Mine I would definitely approach with humor...and they all know I have slept with women so they know I wouldn't I would just make it known that you don't have a problem with it if she was with this girl.

    Answer by kabbot01 at 9:27 AM on Dec. 29, 2008

  • I was in this situation with my MIL, she had a friend who spent all holidays with us. They took trips together and she never said they were partners. Then when she started dating someone else that person told us about their long relationship. Not that DH and I were dumb, we knew, but we felt if she wanted us to know she would have told us. And she did with her new GF (who she is no longer with). But maybe she's not comfortable bringing it up with you for fear of judgement (the reason I think my MIL didn't tell us, even though we're open minded) I think the best thing you could do is just ask her if she's in a relationship, let her know you're supportive of it. GL


    Answer by Anonymous at 10:12 AM on Dec. 29, 2008

  • The thing that makes this situation difficult is that my feelings are hurt that she is keeping it from me. It really has nothing to do with the fact that she has a girlfriend. I am having self growth difficuties if you will. I am sot of taking the whole thing personally. I don't know what I have done to make her think she cannot be honest with me. I wish I knew what I have done/ not done.

    I'm also having trouble with wording, What exactly should I say? I'm afraid that my personal feelings on the dynamics of our friendship will translate as jusdementalness regarding the girlfriend. Does this make any sense? I am the original poster. Thanks so much for all the answers.

    Answer by eastonbennett at 10:40 AM on Dec. 29, 2008

  • Oh and I wanted to mention that I have a job that many people do not agree with, including my friend. But, I was honest with her. I respected the fact that she will respect me.

    Answer by eastonbennett at 10:43 AM on Dec. 29, 2008

  • Has she ever been with a woman in the past, told you she's bi/gay? If she hasn't, maybe she hasn't told you yet b/c she's...kind of feeling it out. Like, maybe she's just figuring out that she's bi/gay, and so she's wanting to be sure of herself before telling anyone. If she's truly a good friend, I wouldn't think she would get offended if you simply came right out and asked (unless she's given the impression in the past that she's against homosexuality). I'm straight, but if one of my friends asked me a question like that, I wouldn't be offended. I might ask why they thought that, but that'd be it. So I think you should just flat out ask her "Are you more than friends with so and so?"

    Answer by tropicalmama at 11:21 AM on Dec. 29, 2008

  • What a good idea. I hadn't thought of the "are you more than friends" route. That is what I was struggling with the most, exactly how to word it. And YES in the past she has given the impression that she is against people who are gay. But a lot of things have happened since then, mainly being physically and psychologically abused by men. Her dad is a minister FWIW. I think that her problem with the gay topic revolved around her religion.

    Answer by eastonbennett at 11:29 AM on Dec. 29, 2008

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