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In what way have the grandparents undermined your parenting? How do you deal with it?

My mother decided to "surprise" us with a visit coming from another state. We are in the middle of moving to a new place. She offers to take my son overnight. While I am grateful, she also doesn't follow any of the rules I lay down. She claims she "had four kids and knows what she is doing"! Then why did she almost put liquid soap on my son's diaper rash, when she should have been putting lanolin??? Then I call her this morning to see how things went, and I get an earful of how I'm doing things wrong..."he goes to bed too late"..."not eating right"...AND she left him alone to "cry it out". I do not let my son do that because he has an inguinal hernia that pops out when he does, and that hurts him even worse. She says plainly to me "I'll do it my way when he's with me." OH HELL NO!!! Sorry. You are NOT THE MOMMA! How have the grandparents undermined you in your parenting, and how did/do you deal with it?

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Asked by Ophy at 2:06 PM on Dec. 29, 2008 in General Parenting

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Answers (10)
  • I could write a book on the ways that my mil has undermined me!! She will even go so far as to tell my children that I am wrong, stupid, mean! My mom, fortunately, tries to support me, even when she doesn't agree with me.

    Answer by Jazak at 2:12 PM on Dec. 29, 2008

  • well first of all if the is the way she wants to be he would not be with her anymore. my mother used to say oh stop he is such a good boy when i would yell at my son. or i would tell her not to give them something and as soon as i turned my back she would do it. well i just told her they were my kids and if she didn't want to follow my rules with them then i would not bring them to her house anymore. it worked for a little while but you know how mothers are? but with the hernia thing no sorry that would not be happening anymore she has to learn she is doin more harm than good and being the momma now it is your job to tell her that

    Answer by jodi205 at 2:12 PM on Dec. 29, 2008

  • I just tell my MIL that she cannot do certain things and my husband backs me up on it. In your case I would be pissed because she has no idea what your daily and nightly routine are or how you feed him. And I am all for letting them "cry it out" for 5 min and if they dont stop they need something...and with a hernia that HURTS him when he crys too much/too hard he needs to not be crying as much as you can avoid it. My MIL only underminds with things like she lets them sit on her lap while they eat and she spoon feeds them (they are 3) and buys them too many things and as all MILs gives them wayyyy too many treats. Thats different though. She is not avoiding a medical condition. My MIL listens for the most part, but I know when we are not around she spoils them to death. No matter if she had 1 or 100 kids she will NEVER know what is best for YOUR baby.

    Answer by LovinEveryDay at 2:17 PM on Dec. 29, 2008

  • I would tell her its your way or she doesnt get to see him.

    Answer by LovinEveryDay at 2:18 PM on Dec. 29, 2008

  • You are his Mother. If you don't like what happens when she has him then it is up to you to not allow her to have him. If you're old enough to have a baby you're old enough to tell your own Mother that he is your child and you will raise him your way. Of course going this route will likely alienate you from her, and her from your child. You telling a woman who has raised four choildren how to take care of an infant may come off as abrasive to her. A more tactful approach of 'Mom I know you did things differently with your kids. We have done our homework and these are the parenting decisions we have made. I would really appreciate it if you could help reinforce them when you take him." might work better.

    Answer by GrnEyedGrandma at 2:20 PM on Dec. 29, 2008

  • My mother isn't around enough to undermine me, but my MIL has tried a couple times when I was there, and failed. If she says lets do this, or its time for this, or whatever, I simply say no. No its not time to eat dinner, no she can not go do this it is time for her nap, whatever.
    Or I mention to her something that I have I know that she will NOT put Kaylee down when it is nap time, she wants Kaylee to sleep in her arms. Well that causes problems at home, because I am not holding her throughout every single nap.

    Answer by CarolynBarnett at 2:21 PM on Dec. 29, 2008

  • So I mention "Kaylee has been such a pill lately, she demands that I hold her all the time, so please put her down as often as possible. I can not get anything done all day with her screaming to be held."
    Things like that. But with the hernia I would have a talk with her about why there is no CIO allowed, and if she still has the attitude, then she doesn't get him alone anymore. It is your sons health/comfort, and it is not her choice.

    Answer by CarolynBarnett at 2:21 PM on Dec. 29, 2008

  • i would never leave my child alone with her again that is blatant disrespect.

    Answer by danahake at 6:57 PM on Dec. 29, 2008

  • Ok these women would not be grandparents to these particular children without the very woman who is the mother who carried these babies within her for womb 9 months so they could grow into a blessed human being and then either labored these precius children into this world or had t be cut open by ceaser to bring them into this world. Grandparents have no right to hate on the mother of there Grandchildren t hate the mom or belittle her to her grandchildren is so wrong. Her Granchildren grew inside a lady Grandma dislikes so the Grandma could see them.

    Answer by sylviessweeties at 1:22 AM on Jan. 27, 2009

  • So if your MIL dislikes you she has no right she may have carried her son inside of her womb and labored him after 9 months but in no way did her son or Grandma grow the baby of her son or grandbaby inside of them for 9 months and then either labored them or had to be cut open in order for the granchild/grandchildren to be apart of there life.

    Answer by sylviessweeties at 1:27 AM on Jan. 27, 2009

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