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4 Bumps

How do I begin to trust my husband again?

In January, I discovered that my husband had been having an emotional affair with a co-worker. Fortunately, it had never become physical (since she was pregnant when they fell "in love") and eventually, he and I decided to work on our relationship. I won't go into the details, but since I know he must run into her at the office sometimes (they are in different buildings), I wonder how he is managing this. I admit I have checked up on him (his email, chats, etc.) from time to time, but I try not to because I am truly trying to begin trusting him again.

I only married him because he was the only man never to lie to me (before this situation). We had had a hard time recently because of my two-year deep depression, and when I had emerged from it, this is what I discovered and it made me really loathe him and lose all respect for him. The thing is that we have two children and I actually do care about him. In his heart, he is a good person and is an amazing father. I cannot imagine them living without their dad on a daily basis. I can see the benefits for our children of them having both of their parents, but honestly, I keep wanting to leave or at least take time off from our relationship. When he gets home from work, I am bummed out because I don't really want to have to spend time with him. I don't have that "love" feeling I used to have.

I used to look at him and feel so much, and now I look at him and think "is he still lying?", "will he lie again?", "do I want to be with him?". These are not good things to have in your head every time you look at the person you are supposed to love.

I would love some advice (not just "leave that SOB" - I'm already there) about how to trust again. Leaving is the easy answer. Has anyone rebuilt their relationship after something like this?


Asked by Anonymous at 2:12 PM on Aug. 31, 2011 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (8)
  • Yes, both my and my husband have lost the love for one another. Many things have occurred in our marriage that most would divorce over. We however, knew that our family meant the most to us even if we've lost our way in the mix of it. I am sorry you suffered from depression, (I can relate) and it is a tough place to be in. But is also a tough place for our spouses to be in. My husband has had so much grace during my depression, I would hope to offer up the same grace for him and his short comings. No need to weigh them out.

    Get marriage counseling...and start dating again. You CAN fall in love with him all over and vice versa. You CAN rebuild after infidelity..We are living proof. Divorce papers were filed years ago, but we sought counsel. It didn't change over night...but we did just celebrate 22 years of marriage...and he's my hero, because we fought through our flaws. And this is true love!

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:19 PM on Aug. 31, 2011

  • Get the book THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES by Dr. Gary Chapman. Read it together with your husband and implement its suggestions. Feelings will come and go over the lifetime of a marriage, but love of our spouses is a choice we make every day. The book will help you understand this.

    Answer by NannyB. at 2:26 PM on Aug. 31, 2011

  • I like the counseling and dating idea too

    Answer by Dahis at 2:24 PM on Aug. 31, 2011

  • Time, time, and more time. It will also entail him not giving you ANY reason to suspect he's being anything less than 100% honest and upfront...if he's truly changed & committed to working out the marriage, then he won't have any problems being an open book to you, and you, in turn, will slowly begin to trust him again. You might seek counseling or, at the very least, reading some books written by professionals addressing these types of marital issues. Best of luck to you.

    Answer by vicesix at 2:27 PM on Aug. 31, 2011

  • A crap ton of heart and will power.

    Answer by kgrine at 3:27 PM on Aug. 31, 2011

  • My husband did physically cheat on me. We are still working on it. It isn't easy. Many days I would rather shoot him than look at him. But in the end, I'm here. Counseling helped. And we've started a weekly date night.

    Answer by Chris0110 at 11:18 PM on Aug. 31, 2011

  • Couples and/or individual counseling may help. Speaking from experience it is a long slow process to trust fully again

    Answer by MooNFaeRie30 at 6:34 AM on Sep. 6, 2011

  • Regaining trust takes time. Most people are not capable of it.

    Answer by gemgem at 4:16 PM on Aug. 31, 2011