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How do I handle this?

I have a friend, she is the same age as me - 28. She has three kids, too. Yet it seems that she is always looking for a way to dump her kids on someone so she can go out and party. I mean, I know she's happy to finally be free of her ex husband, but come on. We are not college kids anymore. We have kids, and responsibilities. Don't get me wrong - there is NOTHING wrong with going out - once in a while. We all need a girl's night out sometimes. But she wants to go to bars and clubs - and that scene is just not for me. The problem is when I tell her no, she gets all mad at me and tells me I'm no fun. I don't want to go to places like that. I'd rather stay home with my kids and my boyfriend. I have tried explaining this to her, but apparently she's not getting it. If I suggest a movie, she tells me she can do that at home. How can I make her stop asking me to go places like that with her? She already knows I'll say no.

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chavela_carlita

Asked by chavela_carlita at 6:52 PM on Dec. 30, 2008 in Relationships

Level 12 (887 Credits)
Answers (8)
  • How often is she going out to clubs and bars? She's only 28, and she's single. Its normal that she's going to have a different opinion on what having fun means. I'm 28, single, with 2 kids, and love to go clubbing. I don't go nearly as much as I'd like though, but that's more from a lack of people to go with me. I would say going to a club once every 2 weeks to a month is perfectly fine. If she's partying 3x a week, then it would be excessive.
    Ginger0104

    Answer by Ginger0104 at 6:55 PM on Dec. 30, 2008

  • Dude, you're making 28 sound like we're old!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We're still young, and I see nothing wrong with going out to clubs!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:56 PM on Dec. 30, 2008

  • I think it's more that she wants to find someone else, something like you and your bf have. It's hard for a woman to be single. I really think you should try hooking her up with a decent man. Like a double date, sounds high school, but at least you can spend some time with your bf and help a friend out as well. Try not to be too hard on her, but at the same time, try keeping it to a limit as well so it's not such a strain on you.
    xxhazeldovexx

    Answer by xxhazeldovexx at 7:06 PM on Dec. 30, 2008

  • There isn't anything wrong with going out, as I stated. If that's your thing, more power to you. But I don't like it, it isn't exactly conducive to the kind of stable relationship that I have right now. But she goes out all the time. More than twice a week. She was dating this nice guy for awhile, while she was going through her divorce, but it ended because she was lying about where she was and she was also seeing other guys on the side. She wants to go to clubs to pick up guys - so why can't she ask her single friends to go with her? And why get mad at me when she already knows I'm going to decline and she already knows why? She needs to spend more time with her kids, instead of worrying about drinking it up with her friends.
    chavela_carlita

    Answer by chavela_carlita at 7:15 PM on Dec. 30, 2008

  • I'd just be honest. Tell her you're not into that scene and you don't want to go out as often as she does. There's nothing wrong with that. I don't like to go out a lot anymore, either, and I didn't like bars and clubs much even before my kids. She has her idea of fun, and you have yours, and there's nothing wrong with either of them . If she doesn't like it, then just tell her she doesn't have to like it, but to please not call you and ask you to go out all the time. Tell her if she wants to go see a movie, or go have dinner, or whatever, to call you, but otherwise that you're just really not interested. Something to remember, too, is that some friends are only good for one reason. Like, you might have a friend that you're only friends with for shopping, or in book club, or what have you. She might be a friend that's only good for whatever it is that you enjoy with her.
    tropicalmama

    Answer by tropicalmama at 7:46 PM on Dec. 30, 2008

  • oh that's a little different, sounds like you need to tell her what's up and how you feel, that you have a good relationship with your bf and kids, and that you enjoy being at home with them... if she doesn't like it... you're probably better off without her then girl.
    xxhazeldovexx

    Answer by xxhazeldovexx at 8:26 PM on Dec. 30, 2008

  • I have explained to her my reasons for not wanting to go with her to these places, and she said she got it - but her actions prove otherwise. She can't understand how or why I prefer staying home with my kids and my boyfriend, rather than going out and having 'fun.' I asked for advice because I don't know what else to tell her, or how else to make it clear that she needs to stop asking me to accompany her to clubs and bars. Clubs and bars are for single people. If I was single, I wouldn't mind going with her once in a while. But I am not single, therefore I feel that I have no business in these places. I wish she could be more understanding of my choices than always putting me down about this.
    chavela_carlita

    Answer by chavela_carlita at 6:31 PM on Dec. 31, 2008

  • Tell her the club scene is not for you and that your family needs you at home. If she doesn't get it, then she doesn't really care what your needs are,which is not a true friend. Some people dig themselves a hole and try to get others to fall right into it along with them. Makes them feel better that way. If she really doesn't get it, then you just have to be harsher at saying no.
    denswife

    Answer by denswife at 11:36 PM on Dec. 31, 2008

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