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My daughter says "No!!!" My 11 year old is manipulative, fearless, stubborn and headstrong. How do I get her too corporate and be less defiant?

I could ask my 11 year daughter to do something as simple, for example, to clean her room and she says "NO!" & "Why should I?" When I tell her calmly that it's her chore and she needs to do it, she refuses and then yells "NO!!! Whadda you going to do about it?!?!?!" I tell her that she can choose to clean her room or stay off the computer - her choice - she'll say she does not care and continues to refuse. My 11 year old is manipulative, fearless, stubborn and headstrong. How do I get her too corporate and be less defiant.

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Asked by chicaqo at 12:25 PM on Jul. 15, 2008 in Tweens (9-12)

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Answers (10)
  • Wow..i wouldn't let her do anything. NO comp,phone , tv, friends, NOTHING. She needs to learn to respect you and do her chores...don't let her do anything until she can act right.

    Answer by mybabygirlz at 12:45 PM on Jul. 15, 2008

  • I tell her that she can choose to clean her room or stay off the computer - her choice - she'll say she does not care and continues to refuse. I then will tell her "Then you are choosing to lose your computer." She'll reply "OH WELL!!!" that’s when I’ll take the computer. BTW I am consistent with my rules and consequences. I tell her all the time that good girls get good thing bad girls get good things – it’s her choice.

    Answer by chicaqo at 2:11 PM on Jul. 15, 2008

  • Today she was getting ready to go to day camp and I explained it was going to be 90 plus degree and she needs to wear shorts and a light top she started to fight with me about me being an abusive mother to make her go to camp on such a hot day and then she insisted on wearing a heavy shirt and jeans on top of it. Last night she hid my remote before she went to bed and then after I made her look for it for 20 minutes I announced that if it wasn’t found there would be no amusement park outing this weekend. Then she got her 8 year old sister to say she took it. After I told my 8 year old that there would be no books and immediate lights out for doing it, she broke down and admitted that my 11 year old made her take the wrap.

    Answer by chicaqo at 2:11 PM on Jul. 15, 2008

  • I have the same excat problem and i am looking for some answers also. hoping i can find help

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:42 PM on Jul. 15, 2008

  • 1 never tell a child they are bad! 2 i just think most kids don't like a clean room. lol try this don't tell her to clean her room she is old enough to know what to do. just ask did you clean your room today? and if not do like u said no comp, ect! mean what you say.sounds like you do.
    i can relate to you my daughter at that age pushed me to no end.
    i think they want to be the mother lol! but hey we are in control.
    i bet every one tells you you have a wonderful daughter.
    there is a lot of advice out there but until they are in your shoes they just don't know. i think you are doing very well.
    hang in there the best is yet to come! as for her being defiant she is who she is but you can make it easy or hard you have the power. if you don't go to church find her a youth group it helprd my friend with her daughter.

    mostly try not to stress i know thats hard..


    Answer by Anonymous at 8:39 PM on Jul. 15, 2008

  • When my son refuses to do things for me, I refuse to do things for him. I asked him to take his dirty clothes out of the bathroom before bed and he "forgot" so when he asked me to make him a snack for after school I didnt. I explained to him the way to get people to be nice and have respect for you is to show it and do things they ask you.
    As for the wanting to wear pants thing, is that such a big deal? I mean she will be the one who has to be hot....not trying to be rude just wondering if she was trying to pick a fight just to get a reaction, I know sometimes my son who is 11 does that.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:08 PM on Jul. 16, 2008

  • She may just want attention. Do you ever have a chance to do things one on one with her? Maybe manicures or a movie. Something she would enjoy. Maybe even a walk to get ice cream or rent a dvd. My point is if you do this maybe she will be more willing to be helpful with less attitude. It may all be attention seeking. My oldest step son loves when my husband or I focus on speaking just to him even if it is while running errands. It is good that you follow through. Try do to so with as little emotion as possible. Good luck on however you choose to deal with this.

    Answer by cappyd at 9:34 AM on Jul. 17, 2008

  • shes testing you, shes seeing how far you will let her push you. You don't have to touch her, but get in her face 1 good time and let her know... Mom is the boss here sweety, and no matter how she feels about a situation it is going to be done your way. Try to connect with her though, let her know your the boss, but also show her that you love her, thats why your the boss. If all else fails, check in on the friends she hangs out with, kids tend to do what their friends do for the most part.

    Answer by ChasesMommy0115 at 1:50 PM on Jul. 18, 2008

  • Super Nanny to the rescue!

    Answer by goinginsane1 at 2:17 AM on Jul. 19, 2008

  • my daughter is stubborn as the day is long and she will say no to me and has, on occasion, asked me just what i thought i was going to do about it. lol and she found out. you've got a month and a half of summer left. how bought your daughter spends a whole lot of time sitting in her room? day after day after day tends to change their mind. mine spent something like the first 3 weeks of summer in her room. been pretty good since. say what you expect very simply and quietly. don't yell. and leave her alone. she should comply once she's over her fit. mine takes about half an hour... if she doesn't, then let her rot in her room all day. it will get old. and will speak louder than your words.

    btw, make certain she isn't feeling overwhelmed cleaning her room. my middle child simply wasn't able to get started but with a bit of help - then she could make sense of the mess and finish.

    Answer by SannySoo at 3:22 AM on Jul. 19, 2008

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