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2 Bumps

Can I require drug testing on for my sons father?

First a little backstory... My sons father freaked when I became pregnant and lost his mind. He began threatening me, and attempted to overpower me to take over control of any parenting decisions before i was barely 6 wks pregnant, example- telling me he wouldnt love the kid unless he named it. That I couldnt homeschool him because im too stupid (even though i homeschool my 12 yr old), that my friends and family were not allowed to be involved in his life- only his family ect ect.. when he became controlling I bailed and broke up with him and told him to stay away and just let me be pregnant and stop stressing me out, threats continued, such as he would steal him during visitation and run off to alaska... so i went to court and got an order of protection which was granted.

Now my son is turning 2 in 2 weeks. The order of protection expired in august. My sons grandma (his fathers mom) has been involved in his life so i am in contact with his family. She mentioned that he would like to see my son now that the order is up... Then his sister informed me to be careful because he wanted to take me to court. i would like to keep this out of court because the state im in (IL) looooves fathers and loves to give them custody/visitation. there was a thing recently where a drug addict father, having been institutionalized for being crazy, and even having threatened his x-wives life and had a restraining order against him for it- got unsupervized overnights with his 2 sons and during the visit he killed both kids and hung himself in apark. He had even SAID he was going to do this and the court still let him take the kids. I am TERRIFIED!!!

After my sons father freaked out I found out alot of bad things about him. Such as, he has hit his mother, thrown things at her, does drugs (pot on a daily basis) ect... He has drug charges and domestic violence charges on his record. He also was recently forcefully removed from his mothers home by some sort of elderly protection agency because he was taking advantage of his parents. I dont think any of this will keep the courts from allowing him unsupervised visits. This really scares me, knowing he has a temper and no patience as well as knowing he is against ALL of my parenting decisions and will not compromise with me (its his way or the highway and he's said this many times)..

So on to present day. I took matters in to my own hands and decided that I would like to avoid court and contacted him by email to let him know that i was not opposed to letting him see my son if he wouldbe willing to talk to me first, discuss plans on how it will work ect... My son is scared of strangers, in a blood curdeling screaming sort of way and its 10 times worse if I am not around. I want to be able to explain this to him...

So i get an email back, that is clearly written by his girlfriend because he doesnt speak this way at all, saying that he wants a paternity test and 3rd party mediator to legally resolve any issues. says he doesnt trust me and wants a nuetral 3rd party present any time we speak so i dont twist his words around and use them against him (even thoughin my letter i said we could record our conversation). The he says WE (im guessing him and his gf) look forward to your post marked letter about the day i want to mediate paternity, visitation, and parental rights.

He is not on the birth cert. however, he is the father so paternity would come back that he is.. What are my rights? Can i request/require regular drug testing if he does take me to court for visitation? Im not even sure how to respond to his email so i havent at all yet. I dont know what todo and now im afraid that he is going to do this as dirty as he can to keep me un-involved. I am a great mother and a very involved parent. I practice attached parenting and have raised my son with so much love. I dont want to put him in this nasty situation. help...

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 2:22 AM on Sep. 14, 2011 in General Parenting

Answers (13)
  • You can ask for drug testing to be done, and if i were you i would ask for supervised visits. Your son does not know this man and he will be terrified. Take all of your paperwork regarding having a protection order and anything else you can get on him. Good luck. I hope it all goes well.

    Answer by mom2lyl at 2:30 AM on Sep. 14, 2011

  • Yes, you can totally request it. You can request him to fly to the moon and back as well, if you really wanted to. It's up to the judge as to what he enforces and puts into the court motion.

    Unfortunately, without some evidence/proof that there is a drug issue, the judge is likely going to toss that request out of the door.

    I do suggest letting him take you to court over paternity. I do suggest asking for drug testing, and I also suggest that you request that your ex not allow his new girlfriend around the child IF he gets unsupervised visitation. With that being said, I also suggest you requesting supervised visitation until 1. Your child has a bond with the father and 2. Your ex completes a series of parenting classes.

    Yes, you can totally request all of this. Let me know if you need any more information.

    Answer by Razelda at 2:31 AM on Sep. 14, 2011

  • Also, request that your ex take anger management classes as well before he gets unsupervised visitation.

    Answer by Razelda at 2:32 AM on Sep. 14, 2011

  • Sounds like a sad situation! If you let the court know his history with drugs then they should have no problem making his submit to a drug test. I'm in Michigan but when my ex and I went to court I let them know he was using and they made us both go take tests. Hope everything works out for you and your son! Good luck!!

    Answer by candyk12 at 2:33 AM on Sep. 14, 2011

  • If he wants a third party mediator, just ask that all communication be done via email. It's free, and you don't have to involve anyone else. That's what I would do IMO. Document, document, document. And yes, it's totally able to be used in court.

    However, HE needs to be the one writing the emails. Not HER.

    Answer by Razelda at 2:34 AM on Sep. 14, 2011

  • please tell me you aren't in cook county

    Answer by sophistcatdfury at 2:49 AM on Sep. 14, 2011

  • No, i am in McLean county...

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 2:52 AM on Sep. 14, 2011

  • And thank you razelda, your advice is great and I will be requesting all of that. For now Im doing nothing. If he wants to do this the hard way then its all on him. He can set it all up, get a lawyer, and pay for the paternity test ect... and of course then he can enjoy paying child support. He is lazy and and im hoping he will not doing anything though, he is usually all talk when it comes to taking real action on anything important. I just worry that his GF is the one in charge of everything and will push him, and ive heard from his mother (who hates this girl) that she is really insane.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 2:55 AM on Sep. 14, 2011

  • also, if i were to request that his gf not be around during visits, cant he require the same thing of me? I have a boyfriend, and this gets complicated, but we were together for 7 years, and split up outof no where after the loss of our baby at 22 weeks. when he dissapeared and was struggling through what happened I fell back on who is now my sons father... howeer I am not back with my ex of 7 yrs and we are thinking about moving in together now. can he not allow that to happen?

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 2:58 AM on Sep. 14, 2011

  • sorry for another question... But, if the drug charges and dometic battery charges are old, does that matter? he got charged with:



    in 1997...

    then disorderly conduct in 1998/99

    then possession of drug paraphenalia in 99...

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 3:11 AM on Sep. 14, 2011

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