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Meeting my son

I gave up my son 15 years ago, in an open adoption. This year he and my nephew will be freshman at the same private school. While I have kept somewhat in contact with them through the years, I have never sought them out. I did run into his mom and she was quick to pull out her cell phone to show me pictures. This was in a public place, where we both knew people. With him so close to 18, and to my family, I can't help but begin to want to meet him. Should I wait? Whats your advice about this?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 6:20 PM on Jul. 15, 2008 in Adoption

Answers (15)
  • I would think contact his mom and see if she knows how he feels about it. At this age, let it be his decision.
    HadassasMommy

    Answer by HadassasMommy at 6:25 PM on Jul. 15, 2008

  • i agree....let his adoptive mom know that you would like to arrange a meeting with him and let her tell him.....as far as he is concerned, she is his mom...so you need to be careful and not rush in like you have authority or anything (which you dont seem like you would)....based on her past behavior, im pretty sure that his adoptive mom would be happy to help arrange a meeting...but dont take it personally if your son is not as enthusiastic as you are....teens are very moody and you never know how they will react, but it should definately be up to him and neither you or his adoptive mom should push it if he doesnt want to right now...im sure he would love to get to know you someday, today might just not be the day
    LoriaAnn

    Answer by LoriaAnn at 9:00 PM on Jul. 15, 2008

  • if it was an open adoption it seems like you could have been more involved than you have been, so at least it sounds like his family will be open to you meeting with him.....maybe talk with his Mom about writing your son a letter to see how he feels about it and if it is something he is ready to do, good luck!
    Princess_s21

    Answer by Princess_s21 at 10:04 PM on Jul. 15, 2008

  • My adoption was in 1967 and was sealed. I found my BM in 1997, and even though we were both looking, it was hard. Emotionally, it ripped us both up.

    I can absolutely understand why you want to meet him, but I would caution against it until he is older. Do let the AM know that you would welcome a visit with your son. That way, if he ever expresses curiosity, she already knows that it's okay to offer this.
    lawmom623

    Answer by lawmom623 at 10:42 AM on Jul. 16, 2008

  • My son recently met his adoptive parents and it has torn him up. She will not leave him or his girlfriend alone. It has been 3/4 months since she met him. Now he wants her to leave him alone and she contacts his girlfriend continuously. This bothers him and he is starting to regret ever meeting her, I it is wrong of his girlfriend to put herself in the middle of our buisness? Do you agree? She is telling the girlfriend all kinds of stories. So now the girlfriend shuns and snubs us off, which I feel is totally unrespectful? She will not listen to my son who is 18.
    mom200818

    Answer by mom200818 at 7:42 PM on Jul. 16, 2008

  • While I have no intention of stalking my son, I feel for your situation. I think the girlfriend is out of place. I think the BM is way over the line. I have always believed the ball is in my son's court with my relationship with him. I have never wanted him or his parents to feel uncomfortable in any way. Thats why I'm hesitant to contact them.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:29 PM on Jul. 16, 2008

  • He is still a minor, so you need to check the court papers for the rules on contact. My children were adopted through an open adoption, but the court still forbid their bmom from contacting them until they are 21.

    As far as it being his decision-yes and no. He is still a minor, so ultimately, the decision is the aparents. I would just let the amom know of your desire to meet him, but tell her you will respect her decision.

    I am an adoptive parent and the thought of their bmom seeking contact scares me to death(because she is mentally unstable and VERY manipulative). You don't sound like that's the case, but still try to see her view. It can be very scary and if you push it too hard, she will shut you out. Depending on her reaction, you may need to wait it out until he is old enough(according to the adoption decree, which is on file at the courthouse where he was adopted and is, I believe, accessible to you if you need it.)
    romeece

    Answer by romeece at 11:12 PM on Jul. 16, 2008

  • does he know he was adopted? From my expierence a birth mother should not be waiting until the child is of age to meet them! As a parent we know that children are still growing up at the age 18,19 especially boys. Well my son turned 18 2 months before graduation and it was a total disaster. He got the worst grades that he has ever got, he cryed, he was confused. sad, and she took his girlfriend in to be her nanny, to try and make my son come over, his girlfrriend is young and vulnerable and this Bmom is tearing his life apart all in 3 months time. So my advice to you is let the child come to you, let him seek you out? if he doesn't then back off and leaves him alone for awhile. I feel I had the choice to adopt, she had the choice to give her baby up and now the total choice is the child's. You have to be ready to be rejected too. My son now hates his Bmom at this time and she has invaded our family and our lives. It started out great and now is a disaster.
    mom200818

    Answer by mom200818 at 1:18 PM on Jul. 17, 2008

  • I disagree with mom200818. I found my son when he was 19 and it worked out for the best. When they are of the age of majority, it is entirely up to you and your child, as two adults of legal age. You do not need permission of the adoptive parents. If they have raised your child right, there should be no trauma and no breakdowns. It is usually when the adoptive parents have put immense pressure on the child to be "loyal and grateful" to them, do the problems start as the child feels torn between two families. Do not feel you have to wait until he makes the first move -- adoptees often WANT us to search and find them to prove that we did NOT abandon them and to prove our love. What hurts them is if they find out that we willingly gave them away because no child wants to be abandoned or rejected and this proves it. Did you love your baby and want to keep him? Let him know this, and it may make all the difference in your relationship.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:30 PM on Jul. 17, 2008

  • Also read the book "The Primal Wound" by Nancy Verrier. This is vital reading to understand adoptees. You may even wish to give a copy to your son if reunion awakens feelings of abandonment, anger, or loss for him.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:32 PM on Jul. 17, 2008

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