This is HUGE and HARD and NORMAL, I'm afraid. Take baby steps to get back to yourself. Small outings — coffee, store alone — to longer outings without baby — dinner with a friend, movie, nature walks, library, whatever makes your mind happy. Prioritizing yourself can become a habit again, I swear!

Cafe Sheri Jun. 30, 2009 at 10:18 AM

You have to find what make you "you".  Not what the world tells you, but what you tell yourself.  I find that I have to work.  I tkae my kids to work with me or I work from home.  Usually this works well.  Summer break is not good.  I fight that lost feeling all summer.  When school starts, I find myself again.

Look for what was your base before your baby.  Find a way to work that part of you back into your life.  10 minutes a day makes a huge difference.

MommyId Jun. 30, 2009 at 1:05 PM

I felt like that for years.  I remember realizing somewhere around the time my oldest turned 2 that my I was actually losing IQ points.  All I ever did was take care of babies (I had 3 by then), watch Dora and talk to a 2yo and a 1yo.  My husband was never around because he worked as much as he could and I had no friends.  Going out with 3 kids under 3 wasn't an option (too much trouble logistically for me).  I took up doing logic puzzles to exercise my brain but the kids distracted me so much I screwed up every single one multiple times, lol.  But it was a start.

It took many, many years for me to realize I was a still a person despite being a Mommy and that I not only had needs of my own but wants and they deserved to be filled.  So now I take time every day to do things that I WANT.  I scrapbook, I knit, I watch my favorite TV show and I kick the kids out of the room to do it.  They can occupy themselves for an hour while I relax.

I just wish I would have realized it earlier before I had my nervous breakdowns from the stress of trying to do everything for everyone and never doing anything for myself.

justanotherjen Jun. 30, 2009 at 10:38 PM

I feel that way sometimes also. I am a SAHM & hardly get a break. . .my DH doesn't seem to get it the i need "me time" . .its' frustrating. I love my son to pieces but need a break from time to time

I think it's quite normal.

ColtsFan1912 Jul. 1, 2009 at 12:46 AM

I just recently went back to work because I too felt like I wasn't contributing to society.  I feel great when I'm at work and miss the kids, but when I get home, I'm overwhelmed with the need to make sure I'm ready for work, play with the kids, make time for my husband, make time for myself (yeah right), lunches, supper, clean house ...  I can't do it all and it seems the only thing I do is make sure everyone is fed and ready to go the next day then I go bed.

The other night my 16 week old son cried for 2 hours straight before bed.  Something he has never done and I couldn't figure out what was wrong with him.  All I could think about was that his sitter would know this cry before I would.  It broke my heart that he was upset/uncomfortable and all I could do was hold him.  I'm tired and I miss my kids, but my "second life" at work makes me feel that I've accomplished something and it helps me appreciate my time with my kids.  It's a never ending battle I face everday and I'm beginning to tire. 

MountainMorning Jul. 1, 2009 at 1:45 AM

I absolutely had a struggle with regaining my own self worth (not sure I am entirely there yet). I decided to stay at home with my kids and it is HARD work, way harder than being AT work, I can vouch for that. There's always so much to do, yet nothing to do at the same time. Life at home with the little one can quickly get boring - let's face it, newborns don't do much do they? Life at home with bigger ones can quickly get challenging as they try our patience doing what kids do. If you're going to survive you need comrades - other moms who've been there, done that, and are doing that. Don't try to cope on your own.

TheRookieMommy Jul. 1, 2009 at 8:03 AM

It is in loosing ourselves that we truly find ourselves.

opalesque08 Jul. 1, 2009 at 11:35 AM

New mothers DO lose a part of themselves, but that is not such a bad thing. Just as you didn't remain a child, but grew to be a teenager, and didn't stay there, but became an adult, this is another new epoch in your life.  Every stage has gradually gotten more difficult and the result of the difficulty is that you have GROWN. Being a mother will change you forever. Don't dread it or despise it, but embrace it! You are a Mother. It is a high calling. Put everything you have into it, and you will reap rich rewards in your children. That, my dear, is no small contribution to society. If more women would embrace their roles as mothers, we would have less delinquency and crime, and the prisons wouldn't be so full.

danielzrib Jul. 1, 2009 at 2:03 PM

Okay, ladies. Being a new mom is really not fun. It's not. It's hard, it's a shock to the system, it's a miserable time in life for most of us. But the bottom line is this, you chose to be a mom and for that you owe it to your child to accept that it's hard and try to find a way to make it easier for yourself. I'm sorry, but to the mom who leaves her twin children home alone, not only is that dangerous, it's criminal and you should really correct that behavior before something really bad happens to you or your children or both. I know it's a hard job. It gets so much better as they get older. The one thing you need to remember is that your children will get older and they will remember what you are doing to them, so be kind, be gentle, be loving and be real. Just don't be mean. It's not your child's fault they are here and you should revel in every waking moment of them. The time goes by so quickly. If you can't deal for a day, call for help. If you have no help, put your child in a safe place around you and walk away for a moment or two. Breath and think. You will make it through.

Nonmember comment from Single Mom Jul. 1, 2009 at 2:46 PM

I have to agree with danielzrib. To be a Mother is something that we should embrace it.

It is difficult when you as an independent woman get married and on top of it have children, your life completely changes. Its difficult to organize your life to have similarity as your life when you didn't have kids. You have to arrange with your husband the time when he can stay with the baby and you have to get together with your friends for a drink or a coffee. You need at least an hour once a week or twice a month to leave the house. You need your time, you need to sit and think what made you relax before children what helped you out when you had a fight with you husband or ex boyfriend. We all have something that makes us feel good. Sometimes go out with your husband to the movies or go out with him for a coffee break just two of you. Arrange with someone to take care your baby for an hour or two. Go out with your hubby and have relaxing conversation.

According to you it seems you are a very independent woman, Which is great and you still can be. Don't put your self down think big think about positivity and try to get out with your friends. It helps out.

Good luck!!!!

 

hadisa Jul. 1, 2009 at 3:21 PM