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Free Range Kids: Interview with America's Worst Mom Part 2
April 28, 2009 at 7:13 AM by Cafe Cynthia - Comments (10)
Photo by Carrie52280
I want to be the mom who doesn't toddler-proof every single surface of my home, who doesn't have a panic attack when I drop my kids off at a playdate and leave, or who can confidently ask the woman in the checkout ahead of me to watch my daughter while I run back for milk.
And Lenore Skenazy, author of Free Range Kids: Giving Our Children the Freedom We Had Without Going Nuts With Worry, has been helping me.
Yesterday she talked about some of the fake or way overblown risks that parents really don't need to worry about. And today she gives specific tips on how to take a breath, step back, and let our kids have fun being kids.
Is all the hovering we do over our toddlers really bad for them?
I don't think helicopter moms are harmful to toddlers because at that age, kids need a lot of supervision, which is what "helicoptering" boils down to.
What I do think is harmful are the TV shows and product peddlers trying to convince moms and dads that their children are in terrible danger every second of every day. For instance, one of the baby monitor makers suggests that it is not just babies who need a monitor in their room but every kid, every age, up till, I don't know, graduate school.
This plants the notion in parents' minds that even when a child is well past the danger of SIDS and the need to cry for feedings in the middle of the night, they still need to be attended to every second, lest something terrible happen. This gives the parents the very opposite of what the monitor says it provides, "Peace of mind."
Now there is NO peace of mind because no child is considered safe, ever, even a 3-year-old asleep in her bed. The impulse to helicopter is reinforced to the point where parents are hovering/smothering rather than simply taking a reasonable amount of care. This wears everyone down -- the kid AND the parent.
Does helicopter parenting result in broken down, whipsawed, mollycoddled, dithering nincompoops who can't cross the street, go to college, start a family or even make a peanut butter sandwich?
That's a bad example -- as if peanut butter is allowed in the house! In fact, most kids end up fine no matter what kind of parenting they get, so long as it's not abusive. Parents THINK they mold (and warp and ruin) their kids, but actually a lot of factors go into making kids who they are: Genes, environment, siblings, an inspiring teacher. And for the most part, they all end up okay.
So then, what's the point of going Free-Range if hovering makes us feel better and doesn't hurt our kids?
What you GAIN by going Free-Range is a self-confident kid who can really enjoy childhood. What are the magic words of childhood? "I did it myself!" Not, "My mommy helped me do it!" Think how you felt when you rode your bike without training wheels. You want to let your kids feel that same exhilaration -- even if you know that, once in a while, they're going to fall.
What are some tips for allowing our toddlers more independence -- without killing themselves?
1. Do not buy all the gear that is supposed to "help" your toddler through this very normal stage of life. They don't need knee pads -- they have baby fat. They don't need Walking Wings, even though the lying-through-its-teeth advertising copy promises that this is a more "natural" way for kids to learn to walk. Right -- it is more "natural" to buy a product than to hold your kids' hands. Please.
2. I don't think parents have to worry so much about a "toxic" environment either. The BPA in baby bottles has been in there for 25 years. If this plastic hardener was really screwing up children's hormones, we'd have seen a generation of boys turn into girls. That hasn't happened.
3. I also really don't think parents have to be so concerned that their every decision -- Co-sleep or not? Gymboree or not? Day care or not? -- is going to make such a huge difference in the end. In fact, that's the name of one of my chapters: "Relax! Not every little thing you do has that much impact on your child's development."
And that's not just my opinion. Scientists, sociologists, shrinks and brain researchers agree: We have misinterpreted the lessons of Freud. Freud said parents influence children from the get-go. He was right. BUT we are not the only influencers. That means we don't have to talk every second to our kids lest they never develop a big vocabulary, or face them toward us in their strollers lest they never learn to communicate, or worry that we are encouraging them too much or too little in every sphere.
Are you saying it's okay for us to be imperfect?
Yes, because it's not that tit-for-tat. You don't "get" a certain kid just because you did everything "right." You don't ruin a kid by being less than perfect (whatever that is). Once we realize that our kids are people who come into our lives, not lumps of clay we can mold, make or break, it's a little easier to accept them as they are -- and accept ourselves, too. We're not the destroyers. We're not God. We're just parents. Tired, grateful parents, probably with some applesauce on our shirt.
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Do you make yourself sick with worry over your toddlers' safety and development, or are you trying to be more like Lenore?
FILED UNDER: development & growth, gear, health, safety
Comments:
Sandra Cantu was killed by a trusted family friend. jblueeyes, do you never trust anyone? Did you send your daughter to public school? Lots of children are sexually abused by teachers and kidnapped from school grounds.
I don't believe in hovering. At what point to you allow your children to walk down the block? Age 8? Age 12? Age 16? Age 21? Check into missing persons, people of ALL ages get kidnapped, raped and murdered. At some point you have to let your kids go. Maybe not a age 5, but at some point you have to let go.
Leaving your kid in the grocery line while you run back for milk? I believe in letting go, and agree with the rest of the article about worrying over every little thing (bottles, all the latest "gear"), but I won't be leaving my kid in the grocery line and asking some stranger to keep an eye on him/her. First off, that is unfair to the stranger who may not WANT to keep an eye on my kid. Second, my daughter would take that opportunity to walk all over that poor soul! LOL
I went to the link and watched the video. I agree with her (on most of what she says). Don't think my nine year old would ride the subway alone in NYC, but hey, that's just me. However, all the crazy gear abd fear and not letting kids be kids...point taken.
I agree with her on most points but not all... basically, we live in a different time now. I don't think we should contantantly hover over our children, but there is a tighter limit on how far we can let them go on thier own then there used to be. Its just more dangerous now. You can't trust people... how about the middle ground? What my mother did with my brother and me... hover at a distance without the kids knowing? That way the kids get a sense of I DID IT MYSELF! And the parents don't have to constantly worry and put their kids at risk by not watching them closely enough.... just a though.
This is the thing. The world is not more dangerous today than it was when I was growing up. As sad as it is, children have always been abuducted or hurt. We hear about it more now becuase of TV and the internet but, it is no more prevalent in the US today than it was 20 years ago. Children are more likely to be abducted, abused, or murdered by a family member than a stranger.
I hovered over my now 20-year-old and gradually backed off as he got older. He is confident, independent, and capable of everything an adult man should be. In fact, he is neat, tidy, organized, very fussy about his laundry, and an amazing chef. He got himself full scholarships to a private university and I truly consider him to be an adult.
I was heavily criticized for keeping tabs on him, especially when he wasn't allowed to ride his bike around town with the other 10-year-olds or hang out at the mall with the other 14-year-olds. Well, I did my job so that he grew into the incredible person he is today. It was hard work. Why not have kids who can say "Mommy did it for me, taught me along the way, and now I do everything all by myself!"
I am a classic helicopter parent with my two-year-old because if one of those "free-range" eight-year-olds knocked him over on the toddler play structure, I would be arrested for assault. Hell hath no fury like me when you hurt my child. I am of the opinion that these "free-range" kids I see all over the place have lazy parents and they have not been taught any manners or courtesy whatsoever. Their lives are already difficult because of it. I see impatient parents of other children angry and frustrated with the "free-range" ones every time I go to the park, and the poor kids don't seem to have a clue why they're being yelled at by strangers!
I can definately see DeTora's POV. I did daycare for the revival of one of our sister churches this weekend, and I brought my kids. There weren't that many kids to watch, (2 & 3) and we had a lot of fun. EXCEPT the 2 year old was a pincher. He pinched the crap out of my 1 1/2 year old son, and it was all I could do to NOT smack someone else's kid. I consider myself a free-ranger, but if it's necessary, and I feel the risk is higher than usual, I may helicopter. (Gasp)
Leaving your kid in the grocery line while you run back for milk? I believe in letting go, and agree with the rest of the article about worrying over every little thing (bottles, all the latest "gear"), but I won't be leaving my kid in the grocery line and asking some stranger to keep an eye on him/her. First off, that is unfair to the stranger who may not WANT to keep an eye on my kid. Second, my daughter would take that opportunity to walk all over that poor soul! LOL
Agreed. This woman, while she makes valid points, is TOO leinient. "Hover" parents are damaging, as they never allow the child to make decisions or mistakes on their own and deal with the consequences, and often establish an unhealthy codependency... BUT... that's not to say you should just let your kid do whatever and not try your damned HARDEST to do the absolutely best you can and that you can ignore medical advice. We're one of the only lead countries without a ban on BPA - we are way behind in things like this, because we're too run by corporations who have money at stake.
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Her autopsy report will not be released to prevent PUBLIC OUTRAGE. That is said regarding little Sandra Cantu who was kidnapped from her neighbor and raped with a foreign object and murdered by a WOMAN neighbor. Sorry, but I can not get these missing and murdered children out of my head. My DD is an independent,working,self assured 21yr old young woman who was hovered upon by myself,my sister and my Mother. She is perfectly fine now and alive. Thats just me,bad things can happen anywhere.
jblueeyes228 Apr. 28, 2009 at 8:52 AM