Baby shower for an adopted child?

We are adopting a little girl in a couple of months -- at birth. We're confident that the adoption will go through, but I would prefer the shower to take place after the baby is home with us. My family; however, wants to do things before.
We're close to the birthfamily and love them lots. Is it wrong to invite them? We intend on including them on every other aspect of the child's life - should we also invite them to the baby shower? Everyone in the family is comfortable about it, but I don't want to put the birthfamily on the spot if they're not ok with it.
Also, any advice on how exactly to have the baby shower? Should we conduct it like any other? Any advice is welcomed!!!

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 12:19 AM on Jan. 13, 2009 in Hobbies & Crafts

This question is closed and filed in the CafeMom Encyclopedia.
Answers (10)
  • I too am someone who had a baby shower and then no baby... I had a ton of them. So BAD idea. You don't know. The second time around we held our breath and waited...so did our friends, family, and coworkers. And then we brought him home. Inviting the biological family to be a part of the child's life is a wonderful idea. I would call them personally and say that if it is too hard I understand. But just remember not every guest is going to be conscious of what they are saying.....like, "this baby is soooo lucky to have you as parents." In front of a biological family then the unsaid is also true, "this baby is sooooo lucky you are not raising it." It does happen. You can't help that. Discuss why you want them their and then leave it up to them without the pressure. Good luck. But just some advice: really do wait on all showers.

    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 1:42 PM on Jan. 13, 2009

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  • I think that in lots of ways it is smart for the adoptive family to do the shower after the baby has been placed. Other moms can speak to the possibility (slim though it might be in your case) where a placement didn't occur at the last minute and a shower had been thrown - it kind of makes a failed placement worse to have all the gifts sitting there and a new wait ahead of you. That said, I completely understand wanting to experience everything adding a child to the family entails.

    As a birthmom from the 1990's (which was a bit more closed) I hesitate a bit because I know for me immediately after relinquishing it would have been very hard to attend a shower because of my grieving - and I DO love my daughters adoptive parents! But that you are thinking about the complexities ahead of time is great! The journey can be complex but good if undertaken with care and love.
    PortAngeles1969

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 12:30 AM on Jan. 13, 2009

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  • i think if the birth family is going to be involved in the childs life its fine to invite them to the shower, if they arent comfortable with it they dont have to go. let it be their choice, dont make it a big deal.
    Chandra034

    Answer by Chandra034 at 12:39 AM on Jan. 13, 2009

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  • We adopted one of our daughters at birth, but waited until after placement had been made to have the baby shower. I hate to say this, I really do, but to be honest....you really never know for sure what a Birthparent is going to do until the baby is born. I'm sure some people have had showers before the baby was placed, but I can only imagine how hard it would have been if the bmom decided to keep the baby. If you want to invite the Bfamily, I would certainly wait until after placement for the shower. Buy the most necessary things you will need for the first couple weeks and have the shower afterwards, then you can also show off the baby :-)
    LizClara

    Answer by LizClara at 1:16 AM on Jan. 13, 2009

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  • I am a walking example of why a shower prior to TPR is a bad idea. We were sure too, and then our hearts were broken. I dont think it's a good idea, especially a big shower which is what you sound like is being planned. If anything, have a very small family lunch prior to the baby's birth and then a large shower afterwards and invite the bfamily and whoever you'd like. I dont think it's fair to ask a bmom to sit through your shower. It is like she is doing the work and you are getting the gifts.


    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:54 PM on Jan. 13, 2009

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  • At "our" baby shower, it was fun. Everyone treated us all (J, Brysons birthmom, me and my husband) equally.No one was left out. We were all "royalty" lol, cut the cake, opened gifts. It was nice to have every included. the birth grandmother even crotched a blanket for Bryson as a gift. So if the family is okay with it, invite them, after all the baby is apart of them as well.
    babycakes254

    Answer by babycakes254 at 5:17 PM on Jan. 13, 2009

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  • And lizclara is right...you just never know. Its crazy because we've known his birthmom for YEARS. As friends..and there still is no "certainty" that it will go through...so maybe its better to wait.
    babycakes254

    Answer by babycakes254 at 5:19 PM on Jan. 13, 2009

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  • We had a baby shower after our daughter was home. I wanted an open house-come anytime, meet our daughter, etc. But, my friends pre-planned a shower for 3 weeks after we came home. The only big item you truly need before the baby comes is a carseat so there is still plenty for people to purchase.
    If you are inviting birthfamily, I think you should wait until after the baby comes homes. I think there is alot of pressure added to the mom to place (I am not a believer in a sure thing) which is not fair. Also it would give her time afterwards to visit and meet your family.
    luckyshamrock

    Answer by luckyshamrock at 8:24 PM on Jan. 13, 2009

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  • Go with your instincts and wait until after the baby is born and the adoption is finalized. It has been said that a mother must make her decision twice, once before and once after birth. Everything changes after a baby is born....reality sets in and mothers do change their minds. Spare yourself the uncomfortable position of having a shower and then possibly no baby.
    Southernroots

    Answer by Southernroots at 12:38 AM on Jan. 14, 2009

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  • Thanks for all the great advice girls. I have spoken with my family and they've decided to wait...which is what I really wanted!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:39 AM on Jan. 14, 2009

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