What is an emotional affair?

Or am I just looking for something to be upset about? Can a married man and a single, younger co-worker be "best friends"? Am I wrong to feel....not okay with this? It isn't a matter of not trusting my husband, and I believe him when he says nothing physical has or will happen, but "she" still makes my heart sad, and the whole situation still makes me feel hurt and ignored. I don't feel comfortable with my husband having a younger, single, cute co-worker for a "best friend", and I can't talk to him about it anymore without it turning into a "thing".....I can't live like this for another 40 years.....

  • SHARE THIS QUESTION:
LiteBrite415

Asked by LiteBrite415 at 1:36 AM on Sep. 21, 2008 in Relationships

0 Level 1
This question is closed and filed in the CafeMom Encyclopedia.
Answers (19)
  • My ex had a friendship that he swore was nothing more than that and my gut told me to be scared. When I approached him, he was defensive and told me I was rediculous. They were just friends and so on. I begged him to end the friendship that something wasn't right. Eventually, my worst fears were confirmed and I found out they had a sexual affair. I believe that there is a such a thing as an emotional affair and when a spouse or partner is hesitant to let go of a friend of the opposite sex when it so obviously bothers thier significant other, there is more there than meets the eye. It may not be physical, but there is something that is holding him there, in my opinion that has put his feelings for her second to yours.
    eyedoleyes

    Answer by eyedoleyes at 5:45 AM on Sep. 21, 2008

    Credits: 100 Level 5
    Votes up:0 Votes down:0
  • You have every reason to feel this way! You're his wife, you should be his best friend, not some little single girl. He needs to respect YOUR feelings and stop negating them because he wants to keep a friendship that is in no way appropriate for an older married man to retain.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:46 AM on Sep. 21, 2008

    Votes up:0 Votes down:0
  • Been there, done that!!! My husband had a 'friend' at work. I was very uncomfortable with this. At first it didn't bother me, but then I noticed that whenever I would go to his workplace, she wouldn't even look at me. Mind you, the office was all women. I never had that 'feeling' with any other girl, but her. My feelings are that if it makes you uncomfortable, then your husband should stop the contact. This girl started calling my home wanting to speak to my husband for little chit chat. I told him over and over I didn't like it. They ended up being accused of having an affair by the higher ups.
    zachsmom900

    Answer by zachsmom900 at 1:48 AM on Sep. 21, 2008

    Credits: 10 Level 2
    Votes up:0 Votes down:0
  • Yes there is such a thing as an emotional affair. My husband had what I consider an emotional affair about a year and a half ago. What you described sounds nothing like what I was going threw. My husband was actually in love with the other woman, he never spoke about her until I caught him texting her. He was depressed after she freaked and rejected him. He also tried to contact her, even though she just got married. He told her a lot of personal things about his life, that I honestly never knew about. He shared things about his parents, and his brother (his brother died in Iraq, and he never talks about him) He also lied to her made me seem like an uncaring wife. He told her I cheated on him, I never had sex with him, he told her I neglected our kids, and a lot of other ridiculous things. What you described sounds like a friendship, he wouldn't tell you about her if he was cheating with her.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:51 AM on Sep. 21, 2008

    Votes up:0 Votes down:0
  • cont...My husband was accused of doing 'special favors' for a sexual exchange. He was her boss. Her dd had money and my husband was accused of being on her dd's payroll. The hard part is the not knowing IF anything went on between them. I'll never know. They both ended up loosing their job. It angered me because I kept telling him I didn't like it, and he did nothing to stop it. He chose her over me and my kids. We lost our insurance, ended up loosing our home, one of our vehicles. We had to cash in our CD's and now owe the IRS $6,000. He still maintains that they were just friends and that he was blackballed. Again, if you are uncomfortable with it, trust your gut. An emotional affair is just as bad as a physical one.
    zachsmom900

    Answer by zachsmom900 at 1:58 AM on Sep. 21, 2008

    Credits: 10 Level 2
    Votes up:0 Votes down:0
  • Oh yes, emotional affairs are very real and dangerous to a marriage. You are his wife, and your wishes should come first to him, before any friendship with anyone.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:12 AM on Sep. 21, 2008

    Votes up:0 Votes down:0
  • I hate to say it, but the other ladies are right. Think of it this way, men "need" sex & women "need" emotions. If he is giving this woman her fill of emotions, whats left for you. & what does he have her doing for him in return? To me an emotional affair is almost worse. It means he is giving her the love & attention he promised you at your wedding. Most men do this at some point. I would take him to a marriage counselor or your pastor. Honestly, I would. If he wont listen to your concerns from you, then maybe a mediator can help him understand that his attention to another woman is hurting you.
    RainShadow

    Answer by RainShadow at 4:25 AM on Sep. 21, 2008

    Credits: 0 Level 1
    Votes up:0 Votes down:0
  • Me & my DH use this technique where we start every statement with "What I heard you say is..." He says something, & then I tell him what I heard him say, & add my own, we go back & forth. This way, if he meant to say one thing & it came out another (or reversed), we can correct it before a fight starts. You are suppose to be his best friend, lover, & confidant.
    RainShadow

    Answer by RainShadow at 4:25 AM on Sep. 21, 2008

    Credits: 0 Level 1
    Votes up:0 Votes down:0
  • When you talk to your husband, do you come across as jealous and insecure? Or do you calmly let him know that his actions are hurting you? Have you asked him to try talking with a neutral party like a counselor or pastor (if you're religious)?

    What do you mean by best friend? To me that would indicate a long standing friendship...and if that is the case, it would certainly be different than if this was a recently acquired relationship. But in any case, YOU are the one he should think of as his *best* friend, and you should be his priority without question. Maybe he needs a reminder of this.
    jespeach

    Answer by jespeach at 5:12 AM on Sep. 21, 2008

    Credits: 24 Level 3
    Votes up:0 Votes down:0
  • Oh, and it just occured to me...how old is your husband? Any chance he's having a bit of the old mid-life crisis? Maybe he is holding onto this friendship because it is giving him something..making him feel attractive, making him feel energized. Talk to him...let him know that you find him attractive, and you love him, and that you trust and respect him...and that you only want the same thing from him.

    jespeach

    Answer by jespeach at 5:17 AM on Sep. 21, 2008

    Credits: 24 Level 3
    Votes up:0 Votes down:0