Has anyone had this situation arise with your teen daughter?

[LizWillJelly]

Our daughter is now 17 but when she was 16 she met a young man again from her past and they have built a relationship.  His family is for courtship, so we learned it, we are following it on our end.  It has not been an easy trek, this relationship, it has been hard when we follow what his parents ask and they seem to not keep up their side.  Now dd is thinking and talking about eloping.  We do not feel this relationship is right for marriage at this age nor at 18 and they dont want to wait until we offer our blessing for it.  They refuse to budge and so do we.  Its not been pleasant at all.  Yes, we have lost the respect as parents thats obvious by her total defiance but what is left to do?  Have you any advice what to do, or where to go from here.

[lucky2Beeme]

I have not been in this situation. I think if i were I would demand a face to face with parents and kids. I would then ask what the rush was? Ask If these CHILDREN will be continuing their education? If so at who's expense? Ask Who is going to take care of these kids? where are they going to live? Will they be living with His parents? If these questions don't have a light bulb moment for these kids.Then all I think you can do is pray. I am sorry this is happening its got to be terribly painful.

[aunt_shel]

I am sorry you are going through this with your daughter. I have all boys so I can't offer you much advice except to ask her a lot of questions like the above poster suggested and see what she has to say. She has to think before she does this....it is a life change that she may not be ready for. Good luck. 

[suej27]

I think even at 17 as it is at 12 the fact remains that the more you tell them no, the more they want to do it.  I do not believe she's thinking with her head, just her heart and that happens a lot.  when I was 20, my family absolutely hated, HATED the guy I was dating, even though he was my mom's best friend's son, what did I do?  turned my back on my family, left my house and had a baby with him.  not the smartest of moves since he turned out to be a huge looser, but I didn't see that, I was in love !!!  the best way to handle it?  maybe just tell her you don't mind if they get married, but you'd like them to take their time planning a wedding and in the mean time, work on her, don't push, just you know, throw things out there.  college, children, traveling, bills, you know, all the fun things about being grown ups.  it's a tough situation, I'm sorry I can't be of much help !  best of luck to you

[suej27]

btw, forgot to mention, I am now married to the guy I dated when I was 17, it took us 12 long years to be right for each other and we couldn't be happier so I guess it's true, if it's meant to be ....

[table4six]

We are going through something similar with my SD(17).  She was little when DH and I got married.  I have helped raise her because her birth-mom was not in the picture for a long time.  She has been dating the same boy for around 2 years now.  She only has eyes for him, she no longer even seems to have female friends.  I think because she will not hang out with them, she spends all her free time with him (or on the phone with him).  She says they are getting married the minute she turns 18. 

We have been struggling with this for a while.  I have finally come to the conclusion that she is going to do it no matter what we say.  The more we try to talk her out of it the more she seems to want it.  We have no choice since she will be 18, so we will just have to wait and see.  If things turn out badly we will be there for her.  It sucks to feel so helpless!  I know where you are coming from!

[rkoloms]

If my daughter was making this choice, I would support her emotionally and cut her off financially.

[wallmom1]

I am sorry you are having a hard time with you dd.  I can't say that I know how you feel, but the only thing I would say is talk to her.  Calmly, which is the hardest part! But like the other posts, ask her why now.  Tell her you understand that she is in love, but that she has her whole life ahead of her.  All they have is time.  What about school and her dreams?  Where will they live, and how will they live?  I have had a hard summer with my 16 yo dd and her bf.  But when I changed how I spoke and what I said she heard me better.  And I listened.  Again, really hard to do.  But without the yelling, still had the tears, that's just me! she did hear me and things got better.  They have just broken up and even though it has be hard for both of them I think they will be friends.  I would not give into anything you don't believe is in the best interest of your dd, and it is true, the more we say no the more they fight us, Tell her, no matter what you do, we are your parents and this is your home.  But if she chooses to go through with it, just try to be there to pick up the pieces.  These kind of marriages don't work too well.  So do, some don't.  Even the good ones take work and teenagers don't get that.  Sorry to be rambling on, hopefully some where in all this you find something!

Good luck,

Andrea

[kizziefree2bme]

 

 If she is the kind of kid that you can talk to at all, then you do need to bring up realistic things like How much stuff costs, bills, all of that. Is she working? Is he? Do they have any money saved? Shes not already pregnant is she? Is she a mature teen who is usually pretty level headed? or do you think she is naive and doesnt use her head?

When I was 17, my boyfriend and I had been together for 2 yrs and when I turned 18 (I was still in highschool) we got engaged, They were NOT happy! I was not pregnant, but just could not wait to get married. I will say that Yes, if you are mad about it, or don't like him, it will definitely push her towards him even more!! You should in a non confrontational way, talk to her and find out what her plans are about where they will live? How will they go to school or work? How are they planning to take care of themselves? They may have actually thought it out well. You never know.

We did move in together as soon as I graduated. We got married when I was 19. We are still married today 22 yrs later! Sometimes it does work. They have to be very mature kids, and have a plan, and be working. We saved money and bought stuff for the appt before we moved. I was a senior but my husband was out of school. I worked 37 hours a week and went to high school, most kids do not plan very much. Just try to talk to them and help them if you can because one thing is certain, if she is hell bent on getting married, She will! regardless of what you say. Some said that they would cut off their kids financially, well that is kind of ridiculous to me, I'm NOT saying pay all their bills or anything, but would you Want your kid to live in poverty?? Do you think that they will come running home to live, No way! You have to be there for them regardless IMO.

[vickieb310]

I met my husband when I was 16, we were engaged before I turned 18, married shortly after I turned 20.  We celebrated 19 years of marriage this past June and have two beautiful daughters.

I would strongly advise against discounting their feelings towards each other just because you think they may be too young.  If they want to be treated like adults, they have to act like it.  Talk to them together about where they will live? if they plan to continue their educations (and I hope they do), how do they intend to pay for that? how do they plan to be gainfully employed to support each other?

Once they are both 18 there is nothing legally you can do to stop them and IMO it would be a mistake on your part to cut her off emotionally because she makes a decision about HER life that may think is a mistake.

Good luck!

[cintra]

I have a teenage 15 yr.old daughter and decided to start a experiment on finances and such with her.Start by having them(kid) write down everything that she/you/or anyone else make purchases for,on a daily basis,that is for them(kid).No mater the cost-small or big. Do this for about a month or two.Then sit down with them and show how much they spent -without the bills.Then do a seperate count up how much the bills and their wanting and such could cost them.Maybe that will show them what it could cost them if they are on their own,and if they are ready to make adult decisions.Tell them that you love/care about them,but can't do it all for them!Hope I'v been a help,and maybe this will work for all of us.Good luck!