HELP!! IN EXTREME CRISIS WITH OUR 15 YR OLD DAUGHTER

[lessonlearned]

HELP!!!!

Moms I need help immediately....My daughter turned 15 1 1/2 months ago.  Since then, she has had her phone taken away from her for inappropriate language and sexual chat with several guys. She did have access to the home phone.  In November she received her first detention when a teacher asked her to do something and she said...this is bullshit.....we grounded her for a week for that.  She recieved an I touch for her birthday, which I found out after she got it that it has internet access and texting ability to peoples phones.  We let her go ahead and use it.  Two days before christmas break she came home and said that she had gotten an inschool detention because she had some boys phone in her pocket and it fell out when she moved in her chair.  The school  has a no cell rule, and if you are caught with one, it goes to the principal and the parents have to pick it up.  She told me that the teacher said to her that she can leave the phone with him and he will have this kids parents come and get it, or she can take it and get a detention.  I told her I was proud of her for telling me the truth and felt the detention was an effective consequence.  The next morning the principal calls me and told me the same story except that my daughter had left out that she had said "she would take the fucking detention" to the teacher, and that she would bew suspended from school on the first day back in january.  We had purchased her a refurbished laptop for christmas..it was her big gift.  We did not ground her for her lying and her disrespect until two days after christmas, we wanted to have a happy holiday.  She was grounded for 2 weeks, one hour on the phone but no one over and going no where.  The first day of the gounding i looked at her itouch and she was talking explicidly to a boy from school and my husband and i decided that her consequence would be that for during the two weeks of grounding her texting application would be deleted off of her ipod and her computer would be blocked from all social sites, (facebook etc..)The NEXT day, i found her in her room texting on the darn thing again..i told her she had 5 minutes to take the app off or she her dad and i would talk.  She said she deleted it, but when i was in her room two days later, she was texting again.  Ipod is gone until further notice.  New years eve she was still under her grounding, and she wanted a boy to come over and we told her no that she was grounded.  She screaned and yelled at us, cussing, packing her bags saying she was going to get the fuck out of here, you name it she did it.  My husband said to just let her go, she has no where to go to as she has lost all her friends because she is a habitual liar and they all caught on to it. I couldnt just let my daughter walk out the door.  I just couldnt.  She begged and begged and said sheoffered to sign a paper putting her on a 60 day lock down if he could just come over that one night.  No phone computer itouch tv going anywhere, nothing so we let her have her bf over.  The next day she asked if he could come over.  We told her no because she was still grounded plus of the papaer she signed.  Every day there is a huge blow up in our home with her cussing at us, threatening us, you name it.  Today we had a snow day.  While I was doing things, she was in her room on the home phone calling every boy she knows we disapprove of and will not let her be around.  I caught her on the phone and the argument began.  She called her father names you wouldnt imagine, she said she was a liar because of like mother like daughter.  She wished us all to hell.  She speaks to us with such venom in her and the words she says hit us right in the gut.  We have done everything and anything with our children that they have wanted to do.  Dance, baseball, cheerleading, lacrosse, tae kwon do, you name it.  as soon as my husband went to bed, i saw that someone ws using the phone and sure enough she was on it , had the privacy button on so i couldnt hear her, so i unplugged the phone system.  She came down stairs and non chalantly asked who i was talking with, and i told her no one that i had disconnected HER phone call and she said i was a liar, that she was not on the phone, when i plugged it back in, the kid was still on the phone.  She then starts to tell me that these are the rules....she will do what she wants when she wants.  she can hang around anyone she wants when she wants.  she will have her phobe ipod and computer back by tomorrow, and that she can talk to whoever she wants on the phone whenever she wants, and that will be the way it is or my husband and I will have consequences, that she would go to the school guidance councelor and make so much stuff up that it willput us in all sorts of trouble.  She refused to go to bed got in my face and told me i had three seconds to back away and i stood there and up her fist came.  I grabed her arm stopping herfrom  punching me, and she is now accusing me of grabbing her and throwing her up against the door.....we were standing in the middle of the kitchen.......no doors..... and here i am sitting up all night making sure she doesnt run away.  PLEASE I NEED HELP counceling is out right now because my husband has been laid off for 9 months and just started a new job.  i called the police tonight for options without having to have her arrested, i feel putting her in juvenile detention will just have her be around kids that will teach her how to be more maniuplative and learn new tricks like sneaking out or drugs and who iknows what.  They said if she runs away that they will just keep bringing her home unless we file unruly charges on her....which in turn would put her in the juvenile detention.  My daughter has always been a great kid.  Straight a student, cheerleader, dancer, up beat loving child.  I know she is not on drugs, she hasnt been anywhere to get any and i deep cleaned her room over christmas break and found nothing.  PLEASE WHAT DO I DO??????????????????????????????  I am losing my daughter, i dont even know who she is anymore.

[momofne]

Wow she's testing you big time. You got to stick to your guns though. I took a STEP class when my boys were younger but I do know there is a STEP class for parents of teens or you could just get the book. Maybe that might help. It discusses several different types of teens, scenarios, how to discipline etc. In fact I think I'm going to dig mine out cause my 16 year old has been a bit mouthy. Sounds like your on the right track as far as consequences. I learned the hard way you can't take everything away cause then you'll end up with nothing to use for consequences!

The only other thing I can suggest is when you are both calm and in better moods sit her down and have a real heart to heart with her. Maybe there is something really bothering her etc.

[momaof8]

First of all no computer or cell phone. She cannot handle the responsibility right now. My husband  and I do not allow dating till 16 and then only after the boy has met with our approval. I would sit down with her and lay out what you expect and what the punishment for a particular thing will be. That way she knows what to expect and you don't have to come up with punishments on the spur of the moment. If she has lost her privaledges she would have to earn them back from us. Try getting her involved in some charity work, check out the invisible children's site. Sometimes kids need a reminder how good they have it. Also try looking for a pastor in your area they usually counsel for free and are sworn to confidentiality. But above all stick with your punishments,don't let her bargain ect. Be firm and consitant. And keep her off the net and texting.

[PhillyinFrance]

All I can say is that you sound like you are dealing with it appropriately overall.  A few comment sthough...  In terms of your approach, the only suggestion I had is what you ultimately got to - don't try to surpress functions on her phone or the PC... kids know so much about getting around them, just take it away and stop  the debate and negotating.

Also  I think 60 days is really long.  What works best with my kids is short sweet punishments - a week or two weeks at the most!  Otherwise, there seems to be no end in sight for them to try to shape up for that week or two.   Even if she was very out of hand, I would simply extend the punishment a bit.

Is she ever clear and calm at times?  Is there ever a time you can 'touch' her, reach out and talk to her?  One thing I'd mandate (and probably even go with her) is that she apoligize to the teachers she cursed at (or write a note)... something to make the words come out of her that it was wrong.

I have often said that I think almost all teens go through a bad period - some earlier than others, some longer than others - I think you have hit that period.  Don't panic - if she was a good student before, she will probably be again - and be sure to treat her as an adult, set the example.  By this, I mean try not to yell at her - try to talk firmly, avoid debates.  If she gets out of hand, just don't answer - at some point she'll calm down (eventually she'll need to ask you for something!) and then you can calmly talk to her.

For sure, when they threaten to leave, it is a different battle.  I like you probably would have avoided letting her leave, and trying to compromise.   But clearly you can see that she wasn't serious... she is pushing your buttons, so you have to be consistent and firm, but within reason -and maybe even take the risk of seeing how far she will actually go.  Also, try to be positive, or at least neutral, so that your house isn't filled with anger and disgust - remind her you love her, you care - and part of growing up is showing you can make the right decisions, respect people, etc. so as to have all those privileges a teen wants (going out, phones, boyfriends, etc.).   Be patient, but I think in time, she'll realize she's gone too far and will come back.

[Faith123]

Let me first say that I feel the pain and helplessness in your post ... I've been there, so I know EXACTLY how you feel.

Now ... let me ask you this: do you know if your county/state has a CHINS (Child in Need of Supervision) or PINS (Person in Need of Supervision) program in place? You can find out from your local police department or department of children's services. We are fortunate enough to live in a county in Alabama that has such a program (CHINS), and we got help from them in dealing with my runaway, truant daughter.

Your daughter is 15 ... you're smart to take a VERY AGGRESSIVE approach to finding help for this situation now.

I want to help in any way I can and am most certainly willing to share with you ideas that did or did not work with my daughter.

KNOW THIS: you are not alone!! Unfortunately, there are many more parents like us out there than you'd ever realize. We gotta hang in there and help each other.

 

[crazydk7]

First and for most, call her school counseler and explain to them what is going on at home. This will server two purposes it will give them a heads up as to what she is planning to do with her threats, and they will be able to give you suggestions as to how to get her in to a counseling program asap. I have been in your postion only the child is only ten. form a partnership with her counsler they will be able to help. As for punishments stick with them and i agree short and sweet no bargins once it is set it is set in stone and you and your husband set not her.

[lessonlearned]

Wow!  Thank you for the responses.  They are very helpful.  Sincerely.  I have spoken to the guidance counselor a her school many a many times, as she has been caught in so many lies there at school so they know what is going on.  The situation keeps getting worse.  Yesterday I asked her to do her chore, clean the kids bath, and she just said no i just don't feel like doing it, and i told her she did not have a choice and she very nonchalantly said yeah i do have a choice, and i choose not to and i am just going to take a nap.  I told her she had 5 minutes to get working on it or there were going to be consequences, and she just said oh well whats another one just keep packing them on...so tell me, then what do you do?????  She is just so defiant and belligerent it is crazy....

[annie2244]

I have also been in tense standoffs with my 13 y/o. She is correct when she says I can't make her. Not without a physical confrontation, and we don't want to go there. So I try to just let the rules posted on the frig take care of it, which means she will win the battle of the moment - for example, she may refuse to do her Saturday chores, but then she knows that when Sunday dawns with undone Sat chores, until they are done, there are no privileges (I turn off her cell phone online, I hide the laptop, if she gets on the regular phone to chit chat w friends I tell her she needs to hang up, and if she doesn't, I get on the extension and tell her friend "I'm sorry, she isn't able to talk right now" and the friend always ends the call, if she says she's going out w friends, I tell her I'll call the friends parents and say she's not able to go out tonight, a call she would never want me to make, so she calls her friends and cancels) - but she won't win the war. Eventually, her wish for privileges will get her to do her agreed responsibilities listed on the fridge. I don't let the backlog of responsibilities carry over from week to week, though, b/c she then feels like she can't climb out of the hole, and her behavior is then nothing to lose awful. So except for getting any overdue homework turned in, last week's chores or reading time I won't carry into the next week.

I also sometimes just take a break from parenting her, and let my DH be the parent w her, and I stay out of it.  He handles things differently, isn't as strict perhaps, but finds a middle ground that in those times is probably the only way back to everyone behaving cooperatively again.  My DD and I are so much alike that at these times we just feed off each other in a downward spiral. After a few days break, we make little overtures to each other and can co-exist again.

The electronics are huge privileges, they are not due her. I'd use her desire for them as daily carrots for completion of basic pre-agreed upon responsibilities.

Since there a battle to get her to behave at home and at school, and since it seems school is punishing her for her school misbehavior, would it make sense for you, for now,  not to take on both aspects? Let school handle her school misbehavior, and you can express disapointment with what happened at school,  but not add home punishment for school misbehavior. It seems like you might have enough to handle just giving consequences for the home stuff.

The lying and the sexual explicitness is a symptom of something that would be good to get a handle on.  Is it insecurity that people won't like her without that? Is she in a school or pack of 'friends' w somewhat intense jockeying for social ranking? She may not know that it will ultimately backfire. It sounds like she's already found that out about lying, and she will eventually find that out about the sexual explicitness, in usually very ugly ways. Boys and girls are almost invariably cruel to girls who have been labelled as promiscuious, even if it's all just promiscuous talk. It's an unfair double standard, but it's there. Until she doesn't have a need to do this, I would protect her from her own stupidity, and make unsupervised communication less available - no internet on the cell, no internet on the laptop, block cell calls except to your numbers, and give these privileges back over time starting with limited supervised sessions, such as you can use the internet on the laptop in the kitchen while I'm cooking dinner if you're up to date on home responsibilities, and after you've discussed a couple of times the initial attention that the sexual explicitness will get her from guys, and the inevitable shunning and lack of respect that will come from both guys and girls not very long after.

I think her cell has to have internet to be able to work. I would sell it on ebay or take it back to tmobile saying you didn't realize it needed the internet to work, and see if they'll let you trade it in for a phone that can work with or without internet.  My daughter wanted a tmobile phone like the one your daughter got, maybe it was that same one, but I told her I wasn't sure she would be allowed to have the internet on her phone, we'd have to see how responsible she was with this, plus I wasn't going to be paying for internet service, and she may not have enough babysitting money each month for it, so we are only going to let her get a phone that can work with or without the internet. 

[Ewadun]

Fifteen must be a magic number, because this is the same age my own son turned into an alien. One of the otions I looked into was a state sponsored military school. The only catch was he had to be 16 and I didn't know if he'd survive that long, in my household, with his attitude. I did enroll my son into a runaway teen shelter for two weeks (it was free). Perhaps you could look into the same in your state? Something more drastic, than what you're presently doing, is needed to turn this kid around. It's not about the length of time but the severity of her punishment. I feel your love for your daughter and have shared your pain. Good luck and best wishes...

[suej27]

my DD said somethings to her school counselor, not really bad ones, not that I did anything to her but rather that she did to herself, yeah, social services, knocking on my door.  so from personal experience, first things first, talk to her counselor, tell him/her that your daughter has threatened to lie in order to get you in trouble, that will at least give them the heads up.  as far as everything else ... oh I remember when I did all that, sure, no cell phones back then, but just the same.  I suggest you take absolutely everything away, that you leave nothing in her room but her bed and clothes and she will just have to earn things back.  if things get worse, pull the homeschooling card, that can sometimes get their attention.  just imagine, being home, all day, with you, no friends, no socializing, nothing.  however, you have to be careful with that one, I had to pull it on mine and now she's home, all day, with me.  remind her that if she runs away, the cops will bring her back, maybe not the first day, but eventually.  man it's almost like when you're faced with a wild animal you know, show no fear, show no emotions.  if she sees you crying and all upset, she'll use that against you, she'll see it as your weakness, if you're tough and stern and if you take the whole "you will not mess with me" attitude then maybe she won't, there really is no way of knowing for sure.  sometimes at this age they need us to be parents more than friends.  just let her know you can do all this for as long as it takes, not a problem.  I wish you all the luck, I really do.  btw, my DD has gotten much better since now she has to watch herself if she ever wants to go back to regular school.

[3mom627]

I have gained some great insight into my own DD's situation.  She is also 15 and we have had some incidents this past year.  It is her first year in high school, so there is a lot of new situations.  She also has had her cell phone, computer and regular land line phone taken away.  We have slowly given her back some of her toys, but not the cell phone.  I do think aliens take over our kids minds for awhile, but hopefully, they will return them when they get older.