Serious problem - What would you do?

[michel30014]

Hi everyone,

 I have a situation that I would like your advice on, if you don't mind please.  I know this is a really long story, but I HOPE that someone will take the time to read this and can provide some insight.  This is a very serious problem and I am not sure what else to do as a parent.  This is what happened.  In January, my youngest daughter, Laura, who is only 13 ran away.  She took my cell phone and my car and drove 34 miles from home (which shocks the heck out of me, b/c I didn't think she could drive well enough to go that far.  (I had only allowed her to drive a straightway in our park and back the car out of the driveway only partially.)   This is all I was aware she somewhat knew how to do.  I had only let her drive a few times (3-4 times at most) within the park we live in.  2 of those times she was in my lap, the other time, I allowed her in the driver's seat by herself but that made me too nervous and she nearly ran into our other car that doesn't work. So, I quit allowing her to drive at all.  Maybe that was the start of all this, I don't know. Maybe it was a mistake to allow her to even attempt to drive at that age.  But, all parents make mistakes!!   Laura has always been a good girl, made decent grades despite one or two classes she has problems in and has never gotten in trouble in school or anything major at home.  So, I'm not sure what went wrong. This is why I need advice b/c I have racked my brain trying to figure this out and I am frustrated over it.  I'm hoping someone can help me ask the right questions to figure it out. 

Anyway, here's what happened to the best of my knowledge. The *names* are not real names, it's just a name I've made up for her friends so I can keep this straight in my head. Also, I mention the details (in general) of how she drove because I need you guys to understand how far she went and how many turns she made and such!!!   This is all happened the night of January 1^st, we were all watching TV and my husband told the kids it was bedtime around midnight.  Everyone went to bed.  But, apparently, Laura had waited until everyone was asleep, which I think she said was almost 2 am.  She had taken my cell phone and my car keys and went out the front door.  She took the car and then proceeded to stop at her friend *Mikayla's* house on the way out of the park.  (it's a straight shot at first)  Her friend, *Mikayla* had a friend, *Amber* staying the night with her.  Laura went to the window and told the girls she was going to "runaway because her dad was going to hit her earlier tonight!"  Ok, we are not violent people and I am absolutely positive my husband would never hit our children.  So, we know she lied.  We confronted her on this and she denied ever saying it.  My husband thinks he figured out the route she took based on where she ended up)  Well, she left out of the park making a right turn towards town, she went straight  thru town. (Later, Laura said all the lights were green - it was very late so I believe that) Took a Y turn and went straight again for another 8 miles or so, made a left turn and ended up going across the bridge of the interstate.  Oh my gosh, she turned left to get on the interstate and went another 5 miles before she wrecked my car.   She wrecked into a kind of deep ditch right beside a culvert, which was right next to the entrance of a rest area.  Apparently, she was dazed and confused and she said she had to kick the door pretty hard to get it open.  She got out and started walking towards the rest area, when a lady in a car pulled up beside her and asked if she was ok and if that was her car in the ditch.  Laura at first said no, but then said yes and the lady which I'll call *Angel* told her to go to the restroom at the rest area and she would meet her there.  It was cold that night.  The lady told us later that she had to use the restroom and was looking for a rest area so she could stop and she was trying to get turned around to get into the rest area, when she saw Laura.  Angel met her in the restroom and asked where her parents were and if we knew where she was.  Angel said that Laura seemed very dazed and confused at first, like maybe she was in shock.  After a bit of talking, she got Laura to give Angel her dad's phone number.  Even though, Laura had my cell phone, the battery was almost dead.  (Later, after looking my phone bill, we discovered she had used the phone twice while gone - She received one call that lasted 45 minutes from her friends *Mikayla and Amber*, whom they said they were checking on her b/c they were worried about her.  The other call was an outgoing call from Laura to a friend called *Stephanie* that lasted 40 minutes. (Both calls were during the time she was driving.)  We asked her what happened to make her wreck.  She said it was a car's lights from oncoming traffic on the other side.  (Later, when we saw the accident spot, we realize that there is no way car lights could have been in her eyes.  She told a different story to my niece saying "she was messing with the portable radio she took with her, then denied it when we confronted her with it.  Ok, so back to where I left off, *Angel* called my husband and told him where she was, but also called the police.  (This is in the next county over from us)  The police came to the rest area along with an ambulance.  The paramedics had checked her out and said other than a bruised ankle (where she had to kick open the car door) that she was fine. But, the paramedics and police said it's a miracle she was alive based on the way the car wrecked.   It seems that by that time the paramedics arrived, she was no longer dazed and confused. One policeman wanted to take Laura to jail but my husband said NO and that he would NOT press charges.  (My husband didn't want her to have a record or have her sit in jail overnight!)   My husband's nephew had to take him to the other county to get Laura b/c we only have one car.  They brought her home safely THANK GOD!!!

We have had many talks with Laura about this and about all the different and dangerous things that could have happened.   We found out that there were 2 semi-trucks parked in the rest area so any parent would tell their child about what could have happened.  Kidnapping, rape, murder, etc....  At first, Laura did not seem remorseful but as time goes on, she seems truly sorry for what she did.  I have contacted her school counselor and told her the details of what happened.  The counselor made her teachers aware of the problem without all the details so they can keep an eye on her.  I contacted a therapist and she is now seeing the therapist once a week.  I am hoping that this helps but it still doesn't get me the entire story with all the detailed truth.  Unfortunately, the story doesn't end there. 

It was after this incident that I found out that Laura had been using my phone without my knowledge.  We have unlimited texting and I found out she was texting some "friends" that I do not know personally.  Now, I must preclude this part with a bit of back story, so this will all make sense.  Laura likes this band called Tokio Hotel.  Tokio Hotel has a set of twin brothers, Bill and Tom Kaulitz (very hot boys as she puts it) and 2 other guys.  Now, Laura's friend *Mikayla* has a friend named *Alyssa* that started calling Laura around Thanksgiving.  I was aware of this but did not know that Laura had never met *Alyssa*.  Laura, Alyssa, Mikayla, Stephanie and Jennifer all have an account on Jango.com, it's a radio station where you can create your own playlists and of course, they all have in common that fact that they all listen to Tokio Hotel.  Now, here's the thing, I know Mikayla but do not know these other girls.  Laura claims that she met Jennifer about 4-5 years ago at a friend's birthday party but I am doubting this story. 

Ok, that was the back story, now on with the rest.  Jennifer and Stephanie are supposedly step-sisters and share a cell phone and also (supposedly) know Bill and Tom Kaulitz of Tokio Hotel.  I seriously doubt this.  Jennifer and Stephanie are (supposedly) models.  Has anyone heard of the names Stephanie Bouinette and Jennifer Curbstomp?   I have found pics on the internet of these Model girls but on the internet you can be anyone you want to be, if you get my drift. Now, Stephanie is suppose to be Tom Kaulitz's girlfriend.  This girl Stephanie began texting Laura on my phone mid December and at first it seemed all innocent but then "Bill and Tom" started texting Laura from the same phone number.   Stephanie had even called her and I was aware that Laura was on the phone with "Stephanie" but again did not know that Laura had never met her in person.   I thought she was a girl from school.

Understand, I was not aware of all this texting until after this running away incident.  The incoming texts are still saved on my phone, but the outgoing (sent) texts are not.  The implication of the texts received is what is so dangerous about all this.  I have read all the incoming texts-some were innocent enough, but others were very disturbing.  Laura apparently sent Bill a picture of herself but the response back was "this stupid camera phone is broken" when Laura apparently asked for his picture. Bill said Laura was "very pretty and that was his new background on the phone".  The conversation goes on with silly stuff and Stephanie, Bill, Tom and Jennifer all texting at some time or another etc. until there is a comment made by Bill. The exact words were "IDK where you live." OMG, I freaked out about the implication of that especially when two texts later, Bill's exact words were "I'll find my way."  These texts were all within 3 days at Christmas time. The last text was from Bill on December 27^th.   That same day Laura was grounded from the phone for being on the phone with her friend, *Alyssa* for way too long.   5 days later, Laura runs away taking all of her Christmas gifts - A portable radio/cd player, her Tokio Hotel cd's, various small things and absolutely NO clothes.  I did not understand this!!   This is all very frustrating and I know the implications of this.  I think it's very possible that a sexual predator was after my daughter. 

Since this incident, I have spoken with Mikayla, Amber and Alyssa all by phone.  (All their numbers were still in my phone.)   *Alyssa* confirmed that they mostly talked about Tokio Hotel and the twins "Bill and Tom". Later when I spoke with Amber, I specifically asked her if anyone was with Laura when she left Mikayla's house that night.  Amber said "not that she could tell but didn't think so."     

I am being to wonder, like other family members, if someone was with Laura and if that someone was driving.  It just seems so strange for a young girl who has only driven a straight way could go 34 miles and make a couple turns before "accidentally" crashing off the interstate, 

When confronted, Laura denies anyone was with her and she doesn't even remember calling Stephanie that night, (but the proof is on the phone bill) then changed her story to say she talked to her but that she wasn't driving while she did it. She never would say what they talked about.   Laura left around 2am and the *Angel* lady called my husband around 4:10 am.  How does that figure one call for 45 min from Mikayla & Amber and then a call TO Stephanie for another 40 minutes.  I checked out the "Stephanie" phone number to discover that "Stephanie" lives the opposite direction from where Laura was driving.  Laura was going East and "Stephanie" lives in another city Southwest from where we live.  My husband and I are guessing she was trying to reach this girl but went the wrong way.  Hence, the call to Stephanie-we think!  The day after the accident, the Stephanie phone number is conveniently disconnected.  When we asked Laura where she was going and why, she said no where in particular and that everyone around her was pestering her at home.  Where she ended up was a town where a totally different friend lives, we thought she might be going to see her but even Laura admits she doesn't remember where that friend lives exactly. 

In researching different angles, we have a couple of theories- Could Stephanie and Jennifer be fronting as good girls for a child prostitution ring and attempting to bring other girls into it unwittingly.  A very reliable source told me Child labor camps are pretty bad and rampant in our state.  We have tried to examine every angle and talked to Laura's friends, school people, etc but are unable to figure out what truly happened that night.  Is there an angle I am not looking at? Am I missing something?   Please help me!!  I need to know the truth - right or wrong!!

 

 

 

 

[annie2244]

If I understand this correctly, are the following the issues?

1) She ran away once, shes says she had no destination or person in mind. She left because she was angry at being grounded for talking to a friend too long, and angry that people were getting on her case in general.

2) She stole your car and your phone in the runaway incident

3) She has friends that she texts and calls that you don't know

4) Some of these friends she texts are boys that you don't know.

I don't know how much more it makes sense to dwell on the night she took your car. I personally think you might be letting your imagination get ahead of you, to no productive end. I guess I'd concentrate on having some agreements with her about her parameters for behavior and increasing privileges going forward, with short time limited consequences that she agrees to abide by. The goal is for her to have clear cut rules and consequences that she thinks are fair. Then she is in agreement as to what behavior will keep everyone from 'pestering her', as she puts it, and she agrees to the consequences of things she's agreed she shouldn't be doing. So - for example, you could say that she can use the house land line to call people you two have agreed are appropriate people for her to be calling, after school, when you are home, after she has done her homework, for up to an hour (or whatever you two negotiate). You will remind her when her time is up, and if she chooses to stay on the phone after a 5 minute warning, you will get on the other extension and tell the other person that she needs to hang up now. No further punishment necessary for that infraction. If she says she needs to be texting since that's how kids communicate, you could say she can earn that right, on your phone, after a month of responsible behavior with interactions with peers, and that you two will agree who is acceptable to be texting, and acceptable content. Further independence earned through demonstrated responsible behavior.

[michel30014]

All issues are pretty much correct, just not sure about the boys she is texting.  Someone is pretending to be this Bill and Tom Kaulitz.  It is actually well known that many people are pretending to be these guys to draw in the "gullible" girls.  Tokio Hotel actually came forward on their website and in other forms of media to advise their fans not be "gullible".  These guys are rock stars and are actually concerned for their fans.  I have to give them credit for that. 

I understand what you are saying! I actually have not dwelled overly much about the car accident, exception of having to get another car b/c she totalled it.  She is currently still grounded from the phone!  But, slowly, we have been giving back her priviliges.  Is now allowed back on her Facebook (games only) and is allowed to have her closest friend over for short supervised times.  We did initially fear she would run away again, but since she has been seeing a therapist, I am beginning to be believe in my daughter again.   I fear for other girls her age.

My main concern is that she has these never met "Internet" friends that somehow got my phone number and started calling and texting my daughter.  My husband actually talked to the girl, who claims to be Stephanie and told her to never call my daughter again.  Next day, Stephanie's phone was disconnected.  This girl lives in the same state as we do.  I can't help but be concerned about what happened that night.  I am not agonizing about it, but I have prayed that God will reveal the full truth so I can help her further.  It is unfortunate, but her grades are seriously starting to slip and her teachers are noticing.  I don't know if it's the influence of her bestfriend, *Mikayla* or if it's someone else.  Her dad and I thought someone at school might be harassing her or coming onto her sexually.  But, she totally denies this.  Laura has always had a smart mouth and an attitude problem that we try to keep in check!! She doesn't have any of the typical symptoms of a sexually abused child so we got rid of that idea.  Of course, Laura said that if a boy came onto her, she would "kick his butt!"

Nevertheless, Laura still has her problems but seems to be back on track to improving exception of her low grades in 3 classes.  She has always been a pretty good girl but I am concerned about what is now going on in her life that causing the low grades. I am trying to focus on helping her.  I fully understand what you said about not dwelling on the night she ran away and I would like to forget. But, that's impossible!  And, if she was with a boy and he came onto her and they fought in the car then that might explain the "accident" and why the car was so bent up.  It was truly a miracle she is alive!!  If he threatened her and told her not to tell and is still in her life at school,  then I would like to know this!!  Anyway, I hope you understand why I'm concerned and asking for advice.

[InternetMom63]

Like the previous poster, I wouldn't be as concerned with the details of that night, but you certainly have alot of signs that your daughter is naive and gullible, is testing the waters (from what you say, it doesn't sound like it's pure rebellion), and I would focus on those aspects more than the details of that night.  I'm not sure it makes much difference if she was or wasn't with a boy, and I certainly think that with any young inexperienced driver, accidents often happen for no reason other than pure inexperience and bad luck.   As for someone coming on to her, perhaps, but I'd rest assured that she has a good attitude in that dept (i.e. kicking his butt!)

13 is a tough age... still young, gullible yet eager to grow up, be free.   Frankly, given all that you said, I'd be most concerned that she is naive and gets caught up with a predictor or more realistically, just some wild teens that are looking for kids that are easy to string along.  It also sounds like she is impulsive, and this for me is the biggest risk of all going forward.

I am particularly intersted in kids internet behaviour, and frankly, many of them are friends of friends of friends - fortunately, the vast majority are not preying on teens, and some teens have a natural reflex to stay away from strange behaviour..  However, in your daughter's case, I'd be more vigilant.  I'd ask her about her contacts, and frankly, I'd offer that if she really wants to meet someone - I'd offer to help in organizing it.  Likely when she tells her 'friend' that her mom is willing to bring her there, if it is not a true potential friend or star, the person will back off (and explain this to her!).    Keep in mind that it isn't just distant virtual friends that can be an issue - some of the kids they see every day may have devious ideas.

First and foremost, I'd try to regulary talk about the choices she made, and the various choices teens face (read on CM or other sites... share articles with her, and talk about them - give her a situation, ask her what she'd do, and see what she says).   One big topic that that comes to mind... if a boy asks her for a nude photo.... talk about what can happen down the road?  Talk about how relationships don't last long, and today's boyfriend will become tomorrow's nightmare if he posts your naked pic on FB!  

In parallel, I'd revist the rules on her PC and cell use.  I wouldn't go to strict, because I think that will only lead to her going behind your back.   I would make sure to have access to her FB accounts, and phone messages - I would not monitor 100% of the time, I'd give her a little freedom, and discretely monitor what she does with it.   (On FB, I'd impose she be your friend... beyond that she has to get saavy about the security options if she wants to hide things from you). 

I'd also be very strict about ensuring she does not have access to a cell phone or PC at night.  While there are no statistics to back my theory, I think it is at night that kids most often talk about sexting or devise plans to sneak out (or a friend who has snuck out calls them...).  I'd suggest that you make sure all cell phones are all charging by the front door at night - and if not, well, phone is lost for the day (just enough to suffer and remember the rule next time).

Good luck!  You seem to be one determined yet caring mom, and if nothing else that is going to remind your kid that you care, you will get the facts, and you will help her move forward and avoid such bad decisions in the future.

 

[Muzikmom2]

I don't know really what to say except fortunately for you and your daughter, it appears that "Angel" must really be an angel!

[michel30014]

Thanks for your great advice, I really appreciate it.  I will try what you suggest.  

 

[michel30014]

Yes, she was definitely an Angel. 

[Zanjea]

 I think that is might be time to tell your child about Christ if she doesn't already know Him.

[Kdkoreen]

You can't never be too carefull, you are right to be concern about her texting and sending pic of her to people, technology unfortunally has become a good avodcade of evil, there are nasty and horrible people in this world that crush innocence too soon, I think she has something to tell and looking for someone willing to listen, but you, it would be a good idea if you can affort it, to buy one of those divices to monitor your car, places where you go, just as a precaution.

I would suggest you try to get her to talk to the counsel in a regular basis at school or other outside the school, since she seems to be having some kind of issue with the school invoroment or people at shcool.

Try to do things with her to bond, and let her know she can tell you anything

That lady was really and angel, I'm really glad God put her on your daugthers path

 

[kanalee]

Oley Cow sorry there is just to much to read.

First you are the parent and she is your child. This incident is over. Now prevent this kind of trouble from happening... here is a hint: Do not allow your cihldren to do things that are against the law (such as driving) there are laws and age restrictions for a reason.

Second, lock up your keys and other things your child has access to that she could get herself into trouble with. Normally this is not needed but in your case your child has already crossed the line. She could have easily killed someone driving all over like that.

Third, get your whole family some help.... you need to make wiser choices so you can teach your child wise choices.

Yes we all make mistakes... but not all of us come up with huge excuses... and I can see EXCUSES all through this post.

Sorry if you think this is not nice, but life is not nice and we only have ONE chance to raise our children into respectable adults... don't mess it up.