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18 year Defiant Son

Posted by on Jun. 9, 2010 at 12:35 PM
  • 17 Replies

I am searching for advice.  Here is my story:

I have an 18 year old son that I need to kick out of my house before he continues to destroy my home and steal me blind.  I have been struggling with him since he was 2 years old.  He was diagnosed with ADHD, BiPolar, and ODD.  He has been in several residential treatment facilities to help him to no avail.  As he got older he refused to go to counselling sessions or doctors.  He has stopped taking all of his medications at this time.  He has not finished high school because he won't do the work or go to school.

He destroys my home by throwing kitchen chairs through windows, picked up my living room TV and through it at the window, etc.  I have called the police numerous times and they are no help.  They will not do anything to him because he did not lay his hands on me.  I know that he is doing some drugs, not sure just what they are at this point.  He stills my things out of my house to pawn.

I want to kick  him out but the mother in me does not want him to be homeless and he will be homeless.  He has no friends or family that will take him in.  He lived in the woods for 2 weeks when I called the police the last time because he thought he would go to jail.  He has stolen my daughters house key because I got his away from him and refuses to give it back.  If I have him removed from my home, he will break in the backdoor and come in anyway.  He has already done it as well as told me he will do it.

I have spent thousands of dollars and stress trying to help him.  I do not know what else to do but put him on the streets. Are there any agencies out there to help him?  I've done this for 16 years and I am emotionally tired.

by on Jun. 9, 2010 at 12:35 PM
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Replies (1-10):
ame4c
by on Jun. 9, 2010 at 12:57 PM

 Wow, He's 18 so he's an adult.  You may have to legally evict him (not sure about that) so that when he does break into your house you can press charges.  I'm afraid (and this is hard to say being a mother) that you need to kick him out because if there are drugs involved he needs to hit bottom (complete bottom) before he will get help.

My SO is a recovering addict and he says the only thing that will change an addict is hitting bottom.  This bottom is different for each person.  For him, he lost his family and almost lost a family farm.  It was when he almost lost the family farm that woke him up.  He got help and has been clean for over 10 yrs.  I was not part of his life then and hearing him talk about it is very hard, because it is not the same person that he is today.

Good Luck and prayers are coming your way.

hugs

     ame4c


Please check out my group:
http://www.cafemom.com/group/Moms_from_Dysfunctional_Families


 

ame4c
by on Jun. 9, 2010 at 1:00 PM

 Also, check with your local church and you may even call a lawyer and talk about your legal options.  Most lawyers will give you a free 1st visit.  A church will be able to help you find other support and help in the community.

I'm sorry to say, but he will probably end up in jail before its all said and done.  I will pray God gives you strength to handle what is about to come your way.

     ame4c


Please check out my group:
http://www.cafemom.com/group/Moms_from_Dysfunctional_Families


 

ame4c
by on Jun. 9, 2010 at 1:02 PM

Maybe you can do an intervention?  I'm not sure how that is done besides the TV show, but basically tell him if he doesn't go into treatment you cut all ties.

     ame4c


Please check out my group:
http://www.cafemom.com/group/Moms_from_Dysfunctional_Families


 

atlmom2
by Susie on Jun. 9, 2010 at 1:56 PM

I would press charges as hard as that would be.  Your SO is right. 

Sharple
by on Jun. 9, 2010 at 2:02 PM

Thank you for the replies.  I am very willing at this point to press charges on him if he breaks into my home.  It is sad to say but jail is really all I see for his future, no matter how hard I have tried to help him.  I have 2 other beautiful children raised in the same home who are just fine, 1 older and 1 younger.

It breaks my  heart to have to put my flesh'n blood out on the streets. I know my choices are limited.  Thanks for listening.

MrsBLB
by Missi on Jun. 9, 2010 at 7:15 PM

Have you tried Families & Youth Inc?  They may have some ideas.  *hugs* 

backroadsmom
by on Jun. 9, 2010 at 7:26 PM

 

Quoting atlmom2:

I would press charges as hard as that would be.  Your SO is right. 


I agree. Been there done that and it's not easy. But getting him locked up will #1 teach him he cannot go through life destroying other peoples things and living this way, #2 perhaps open doors for drug rehab and or counseling and #3 at least you will know where he is. It may also stop him from ending up in prison later and doing even more or harder time. My absolute best advise ti so pray. If you don't know God, seek HIM. This one is to big for mere human intervention. You are dealing with things you may not understand.

Momof5Teens67
by on Jun. 9, 2010 at 7:46 PM

 I AM SORRY THIS IS GOING TO BE LONG BUT ITS IMPORTANT ...

I have talked to ACCESS which is the emergency channel to get going through community mental health for support,  with him being 18 and non cooperative I AM not sure how much they can do, but I can tell you this...

My oldest son is bi polar, anxiety panic disorder, adhd and paranoid schizophrenic, jesse was at times the BEST son anyone could have and at other times the most difficult, draining and even down right scary... I totally understand that as hard and even heartbreaking as raising kids/teens can be for any mom, raising a child/teen with serious mental health issues is indescribably worse on us... and the sad truth is it always will be to SOME degree BC even when they are doing well out on their own as adults, we KNOW that they could switch or change at any moment due to an episode and if your son is taking drugs on top of his illness this is only going to magnify his symptoms and that also makes life harder on you and frankly more DANGEROUS too. you already know this, i know.

I am soooo proud of you for reaching out here for support and comfort and these wonderful empathetic and caring moms will be here for you, i know they will.

PLEASE LISTEN TO another mom w/ a now 23 yr old son that HAD to ask him to follow the rules or move out to make his own rules also at 18 and he also had stopped taking his meds, he wasnt on drugs but with his ilness as severe as it was it seemed like he was sometimes just bc the symptoms were so major.  I CRIED, i prayed, I STAYED UP NIGHT AFTER NIGHT feeling worried and guilty and second guessing myself and asking god WHYYYY. why my son, why me?

I didnt want my son to be homeless either, but i had to resolve to accept that he might be and that he knew he could come home IF he followed the rules so since he wasnt choosing to follow rules I DID NOT ACTUALLY IN ESSENCE KICK HIM OUT, HE CHOSE TO MOVE OUT THE MOMENT HE CHOSE NOT TO FOLLOW THE RULES PERIOD, if he had to live in a homeless shelter he would have a roof over his head and food and if he wasnt so stubborn he could follow rules and simply move home, it was his life and no matter how much we want to because we care more about them than THEY do, we can not live it for them and there is very little control you have over him if none at all at this age in his life, you already did everything you can, and it is NOT YOUR FAULT IF HE MAKES BAD CHOICES NOW.  tell that to yourself in the mirror 100 xtimes a day if you need to, it's true.

the worse thing you can do for him, even if he is ill, is to enable him or let him live as if his illness is an excuse for  vandalism and breaking and entering and violence in YOUR HOUSEHOLD.  If he breaks anything else before he moves out as much as it woyuld hurt me I WOULD press charges for vandalism or destruction of property on my own son. it is for his own good. someone else he did this too would be much harder on him than you would be in this situation so it is important he learns fast before it is worse and he is in prison. right?

he will not die living out in the woods,  if he is hungry or he is desparate, he can do some deep thinking and maybe decide what he needs to change to fix tthat, our survivial instincts are strong and his will kick  in .

you might even have to go so far as to put out a restraining order on him until he calms down and stops threatening you and your home, you can let him know it is ONLY until HE CAN be trusted and that you do want him in your life but you will NOT STAND for any more abuse bc you dont deserve it and it is nt in ihis best interset either.

AS A LAST RESORT.. IF YOU FEEL AT ANY TIME HE IS A DANGER TO OTHERS OR TO HIMSELF  SUCH AS SUICIDAL YOU CAN MAKE A MOTION WITH THE COURT TO HAVE HIM PUT IN THE HOSPITAL AGAINST HIS WILL UNTIL HE IS STABILIZED AND THEN HE CAN HOPEFULLY GET SOME HELP, PLEASE DONT DO THAT UNILESS YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO, BUT IF YOU HAVE TO THEN DONT HESISTATE IF ANYONE LIFE IS ON THE LINE AT ANY POINT INCLUDING HIS OKS

BIG HUGGGSSS I WILL BE HOLDING YOU AND YOUR PRECIOUS SON CLOSE IN MY HEART THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, PLEASE LET US KNOW HOW YOU ARE ALL DOING WHEN YOU GET A CHANCE, I AM SURE WE ALL  CARE A LOT.

Momof5Teens67
by on Jun. 9, 2010 at 7:47 PM

 good

Quoting backroadsmom:

 

Quoting atlmom2:

I would press charges as hard as that would be.  Your SO is right. 


I agree. Been there done that and it's not easy. But getting him locked up will #1 teach him he cannot go through life destroying other peoples things and living this way, #2 perhaps open doors for drug rehab and or counseling and #3 at least you will know where he is. It may also stop him from ending up in prison later and doing even more or harder time. My absolute best advise ti so pray. If you don't know God, seek HIM. This one is to big for mere human intervention. You are dealing with things you may not understand.

 

Momof5Teens67
by on Jun. 9, 2010 at 7:49 PM

 giving heart TO EVERY CAFEMOM IN THIS GROUP THAT REACHED OUT AND POSTED HERE TO THIS MOM.. I JUST WANT TO TELL YOU ALL THAT YOU ALL HAD AWESOME ANSWERS AND THAT I AM SOOO TOUCHED AND ONLY WISH I HAD FRIENDS LIKE YOU TO TURN TO WHEN I USE TO FEEL ALONE AND SCARED AND SAD.

I AM SO PROUD OF ALL OF YOU, WHAT GREAT RESOURCES YOU ALL SHARED TOO.

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