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17 year old...

Posted by on Jul. 20, 2010 at 8:20 AM
  • 10 Replies

So we have had a rough couple months with my 17 year old....With lying and a few other things....Ok so here is the story...He has been with the same girl since he was 14 and it has always been drama....They break up and get back together and her mom always seems to run the show....So anyway I guess her mom told her that if she continues to see my son they would take her car and that she should be going out with her friends etc...but the worse part is is that she is like a child (the mom) she goes around telling people that my son know that her daughter is dating other boys so my son has been angry and depressed for awhile now....We have tried to talk to him and help him and all he does is get angry with us and walks out. He tells us to leave him alone and to stop prying in his life. I have to watch my son getting skinny and always to the point of tears. So the problem is that since the mom doesn't want them together every chance she gets to sleep out of the house he than lies to us that he is sleeping at a friends house and so far he is never there!...That is the case today and I don't know what to do anymore...He told his dad last night that he asked me to spend the night at "Kyles" house and when my husband came to bed I told him that I hadn't spoken to my son....so this morning on my way to work I passed by "Kyles" house and his car is not there....In the past I would contact her (the girlfriends) mother and all it would do is make my son so angry because I got involved in his life and no matter how many times I try to explain to him that by lying to go see her when her parents find out it just makes them more angry and not want her to see him but he doesn't get it!....I don't know what to do right now (because of him seeming so depressed)....I don't know if I should call her mom???? I can wait till he gets home and try to talk to him but he just gets angry and yells and walks out...We have tried taking the car, grounding him etc but he will be 18 in 6 months and he is using it all the way....I want to help him but at the same time I am afraid if I get to involved I will lose him fully. He is a very very sensitive kid and in his eyes he is head over heals with this girl and all she does is play games with him....Her mom is just an evil woman and I hate even dealing with her....I know that this is prob a phase but I want to do the right thing for my son...Any advise would be appreciated!!!... Thanks in advance.

by on Jul. 20, 2010 at 8:20 AM
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Replies (1-10):
mumsy2three
by Shauna on Jul. 20, 2010 at 8:35 AM

Since he is lying and saying he is at a friends house but not really there,  I wouldn't allow him to spend the night anywhere. He's not 18 yet and if he is in your house he still needs to follow your rules.

The second thing I would do is find him a counsellor. If he is angry and depressed and doesn't want to discuss it with you find him someone else he can talk to about his issues. We did that for our dd when she was younger and having some problems. We told her she was going to talk to someone that she could say anything to about anyone and anything and we would never find out what was said. She agreed and it worked for her.

I really don't have much advice about the girlfriend, in my experience the more you dislike or want your child to stay away from some people the more your child wants to be with them.

Good luck!

rosebud727
by on Jul. 20, 2010 at 8:54 AM

He isn't 18 yet. Does he buy his own food, pay you rent, and the insurance on the car? What about his phone? Who pays for all of these conveniences?

I have a 17 year old daughter. If she EVER started to pull this I would take the car, phone, and her permanent place of residence would be her bedroom because lying is just not acceptable. That right there says that he's not ready to be an adult or act like one.

I understand you don't want to lose him. But your also not showing that you mean business. You are letting him walk all over you.

Does he work? What is he going to do when he's out of school. Work, trade school, college? Who is going to be paying for these things?

Since he is adamant about seeing this girl, let him. But make no bones about that you do not approve of this trainwreck of a relationship and then stop adding anymore to it.

Do let him know that he can come to you anytime to talk and that your there to support him emotionally in any way that he'll need. Remind him of what a good relationship looks like. Is your marriage a good example? Use it, as well as others and then ask him, imagine if your father and I acted the way you do. Do you think the marriage would be healthy?

However he may be turning 18 in a few months, but he's acting like a teen still...because he is.

It's hard to be tough, but sometimes it's the only way.

Good luck mama.



Miss2010
by on Jul. 20, 2010 at 8:55 AM

I think you need to wash your hands of the situation.  I know it's hard!! There is absolutely NO WAY to climb in your son's head and make him see this situation for what it is.  There's no way to prevent him from seeing this girl if that's what he wants to do.  You know that he may be setting himself to ruin his life.  She could get pregnant---all of the drama that goes with that for a lifetime. 

Your son is right though.  You need to stop prying.  Maybe if you step back tell your son that you love him and are there for him and that you don't believe he's making a wise decision.  From then it's his life.  He needs to live with the consequences.  He'll be 18 in 6 months.  All of the pushing that you're doing is going to push him away.  The more that the two mothers try to keep the children apart the more they are pushed towards each other.  Does your son have any plans for college? 

vee5
by on Jul. 20, 2010 at 9:14 AM

He does work and goes to work without fail....He pays his own car insurance but most of the time we wind up flipping the bill because he does not manage his money well. I have been telling him that I am here for him and I am trying to stay out of it but I feel that if he has to lie to us about where he is staying than it is prob a place that he shouldn't be staying......Like I said before we take the car but it does no good he tries punishing us by not coming home....He will not meet us half way.

Momchipomkids
by on Jul. 20, 2010 at 9:28 AM

 My son is 17 and going to be 18 in a month.  I dont' think  you'll  lose him but I do think you need to tell him that under your roof, even at his age, he can't lie about his where abouts.  If something happened to one of you or family members then you couldn't find him. 

I think that calling her mom isn't the solution b/c she is fighting this too.   She'll only tell you to get ahold of your son's behavior and make him back off....I would imagine.

My son now has a girlfriend who's mom is a control freak.  She won't let him near her daughter but only if they are with her or her son.   She is a fruitcake because she wants to sit between them and go to the movies with them...not just have them sitting in the front yard or drop them off at the movies and pick them up.  He won't ever have her in his car...which is fine, that is HIS choice to date her.  And I told him that.   He has to obey her MOMS rules to date this girl.  I don't want to hear from him how it sucks.    They sneak around sometimes, mostly, but that is to be expected even if he could see her.   Let her mom stress with it because she is the one making the rules, she has to deal with the consequences of the rules she sets and how the kids react to it. 

Your son and your relationship with him is what matters the most.  Questioning him about her mom and her is not helping, he has no answers and only wants to see this girl.  

I focus on my son lying and  how to deal with it, I quit asking about his gf b/c I know it's a mess.   He won't listen to me about what to do b/c it involves dating other girls.    I hate seeing my son unhappy too.   He hangs out with his friends alot so it helps. 

I would definately tell him (b/c I told my son) that he's under my roof and he has to obey my rules and he can't move out til he is 18 because I am responsible for him as a 17 yr old.  I would take the car, and anything else you pay for, like  money or buy him stuff?

  Tell him if he dealt with this & didn't snap at you, or mope around about the path HE chose...you wouldn't try to intervene.   Help is not a word he wants to hear I am guessing...you are intervening, butting in..what ever...but the main thing is that you are reacting to what he's doing and you are wanting peace at your home, with your son, a person that his girlfriend or her mom will never care about more than you.  He needs to know that you just want to see him eating normally and having a decent conversation with his family, that he's not the only person in that house and his poopy attitude is really sucking the life out of you.  He can go starve himself and cry in his room but not to come into the kitchen or livingroom with an attitude about the life HE chose to live.   (I got to say this to my son)  feel like I"m repeating it word for word here.    and I told my son that there is a girl out there that he can have a good loving fun time with if he would open his eyes.   Does he want a mother in law who tells him how to take care of his family and kids and money and dog?  she will be that lady...(I liked saying that to my son)  

well I'm climbing off my soapbox....I know how hard it is to not be a part of you child's life and relationships when that's your job in life but they are growing up and he needs to know both sides to things but make his own mistakes.   Being silent and listening to his gripes is what I here the teens want, but if it affects you like making it hard to be home when he is...or you're up worrying about him at night...he is overstepping a bit.

 

vee5
by on Jul. 20, 2010 at 9:44 AM

 

You hit alot of my situation right on the nail.....I have stopped asking anything about her and her mom because you are right he doesn't see it. Everytime I try to talk to him and tell him that his lying is affecting our home he either walks out or starts screaming...My husband is furious he tells me that he is not going to walk around his house being careful that he doesn't hurt my sons feelings because he is not being respectful...He wants to snatch his car and when I tell him that this is gonna cause our son to leave he tells me to let him....to let him learn for himself how good he has it with us...I can't deal with my son not being home and feeling alone and sad....but some part of me wants to side with my husbands. I believe that in my sons head he thinks that he could be on his own with this girl....I know that there are many of you out there dealing with these issues....I work 8-4 and usually have to go right home and off to a baseball game with one of the kids......I just don't know what to do with this situation I think my husband is going to eventually intervene and things are going to hit the fan!!!

 

 

MrsTT
by on Jul. 20, 2010 at 10:46 AM

I am sorry to hear your having a hard time with your son... but I think maybe its time for your husband to take the stand he wants , not that I think your doing a bad job , your not your being the loving mom that you are and only want the best for your son .. but you have rules and no matter how old he gets if he is living in your house those rules must be followed.. I know this girl is not the right person for him but only he will be able to see that and in time he will .. I know its hard not to stand by and watch him get hurt but in order for the right out come he has to be the one to end things with her .. I agree with the other poster who said that maybe getting him some help might work .. Good luck and let us know he things go ...

vee5
by on Jul. 20, 2010 at 10:53 AM

Thanks so much guys....I am stressing today with work and thinking about him...I want to call him but I know he won't talk to me....I am waiting to see if he tells us were he was last night....Just to think I have two more boys to go! ughhhhhh

momofne
by on Jul. 20, 2010 at 10:58 AM

Wow thats a tough situation. I guess I would wait till he gets home to talk and not even bother with the mother since it doesn't seem to help. Here's a bump...

MrsTT
by on Jul. 20, 2010 at 11:00 AM


Quoting vee5:

Thanks so much guys....I am stressing today with work and thinking about him...I want to call him but I know he won't talk to me....I am waiting to see if he tells us were he was last night....Just to think I have two more boys to go! ughhhhhh


OHHH I hear ya I have 2 teen daughters !!!  good luck with your talk with him tonight and let your husband do the leading .. if you see that your both on the same page he wont be able to pull a fast one .. let him know there is no walking away hes going to sit and talk to you both ..

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