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I feel like an AWFUL mom!

Posted by on Aug. 31, 2010 at 3:37 PM
  • 18 Replies

I think that I am at my wits end with my daughter.  She is a great kid really!  All thinking and reality goes out the door when her friends need things.  It is funny how friends are really good friends when they need something.  My daughter has such a big heart and never likes to tell anyone NO.  Friends are going to be friends whether you say yes or no!

It seems like every time something is going on at school like a school function etc, my daughter is constantly asking about giving so & so a ride home, or numerous so & so's.  Today she text's me early this morning to ask if we could give 2 people a ride home.  Problem today is that she will be walking home and is suppose to be home by 6pm.  Hubby gets off at 7pm.  This is the time of the day I am doing the dinner thing and getting stuff ready for tomorrow.  Is it an issue?   Am I that mean for saying NO?  This constantly happens more than it doesn't.  It bothers me that parents have a hard time being responsible for their kids and can't give them rides home they are always relying on other people to do this too.  I know it is gas, but we know that gas, driving and miles all equal money that didn't have to be wasted, since I wasn't planning on going anywhere today.

Last week her friend came over before volleyball practiced, then walked home with our daughter without us really knowing, my daughter just says so & so is going to call  her dad to come and get her.  Problem is, her parents don't answer and guess what they are NO where to be found, they weren't even home when we dropped  her off.  

I know that I should do the bigger thing and show these kids what their parents obviously can't but, this isn't what I signed up for.  Am I that wrong for saying NO?

by on Aug. 31, 2010 at 3:37 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Kiter
by on Aug. 31, 2010 at 3:43 PM

it is what we signed up for, though.

You should say no when it just doesn't work out-

 but  it is great your daughter it so thoughtful of others and big-hearted. And it is good the kids are with you instead of left home alone all the time at their house.

and sometimes you might need a mental break.

 Maybe work it out with your daughter that on Fridays (or Tuesday or whichever day)- is family at home day and not to offer rides/home on that day unless she feels it is an emergency, in which case she calls first for permission on that day of the week.

Maybe if she is having friends over during meal times on a somewhat regular basis- have her be in charge if dinner once a week

momcat437
by on Aug. 31, 2010 at 3:46 PM

 Boy, does that sound familiar!  No, you're not wrong for saying no, but sometimes you just have to do what you have to do--like letting a child stay at your home when you know there's nobody at home for them.  Think in terms of the child's immediate safety and, even though it may be inconvenient for you, you'll do what you have to do...

Momof5Teens67
by on Aug. 31, 2010 at 3:46 PM

 hugs Awwwww you are NOT an awful mom. If anything it sounds like just like your daughter you may care to a fault and your own detriment. BIG HUGS.

I am a very caring person too and we have FIVE kids and they were always trying to help everyone else too and my poor husband would have been working since 4am and just get in the door with the car and they would have a line up of rides.

I suggest you sit your daughter down and let her know first of all that you are PROUD of her being such a sweet, caring, generous person, but that she is NOT to

A. NOT to bring someone home without permission from you first unless that child KNOWS 100% for sure their parents are picking them up, already asked the parent before coming over and knows what time those parents will be there. Otherwise they cant come over.

B. She is not to volunteer you for giving rides or transportation ever. If you WANT to offer a ride from time to time you will. YOU Have a life too and your time is valuable too.

C. She is NOT to ask you on the phone or in person ahead of time about a ride situation for someone else in FRONT of those people bc that is unfair and puts you on the spot. That you dont plan to put her on the spot in front of people and that its only right she doesnt do it to you.

That is what we told our kids and we stuck to it. 

Our kids friends STILL LOVE US and so do our kids so no worries.

jaderica
by on Aug. 31, 2010 at 3:49 PM

I don't think that you're awful for saying "No".  You can't be responsible for everyone else's kids all the time- you have your own family to worry about.  I think that I would be trying to get a hold of these other parents though. You can't force them to take care of their kids but you can let them know that while you care, you just can't afford to keep driving them around all the time. 

-Jaderica

Momof5Teens67
by on Aug. 31, 2010 at 3:50 PM

 I respectfully disagree!

Taking care of MY Kids is what I signed up for and we go above and beyond to make our house the house everyone's kids hang out at day and night and we take good care of those kids too and care about them also... however we did NOT SIGN up to transport everyones kids everywhere every day.  I, myself don't drive AT ALL and my husband works from 4am and doesnt get home until 5 or later and the last thing he needs to do is start driving everyone in towns kids all over.  Unless it is an emergency we say NO. And we make sure new kids know we are going to say no so they need to make sure they have transport b4 they come over to hang out.

Quoting Kiter:

it is what we signed up for, though.

You should say no when it just doesn't work out-

 but  it is great your daughter it so thoughtful of others and big-hearted. And it is good the kids are with you instead of left home alone all the time at their house.

and sometimes you might need a mental break.

 Maybe work it out with your daughter that on Fridays (or Tuesday or whichever day)- is family at home day and not to offer rides/home on that day unless she feels it is an emergency, in which case she calls first for permission on that day of the week.

Maybe if she is having friends over during meal times on a somewhat regular basis- have her be in charge if dinner once a week

 

kaitybird
by on Aug. 31, 2010 at 4:35 PM

Thanks Monof5teens67,


I didn't sign up to be responsible for everyone else's kids.  I have rules and that is that.  While her daddy is working his 4 day shift during the school week it is stressful enough.  He leaves the house about 6:15 am and gets home around 7:30-8pm.  Then it is time to eat dinner, catch up as a family, get ready for the next day and have dd in bed by 9pm.  She drags near the end of the week so this is why the early bedtime.  She is in the 8th grade.  I should not be held accountable for kids whose parents are not at home when their kids get home.  

During the week right now she is busy with volleyball practice after school almost every day.  It is NOT my responsibility for making sure these kids get home.  This is the parents responsibility.  When my daughter signed up for volleyball she didn't sign up to give every kid who is left behind a ride.  It is hard enough that the coaches have to cut in to their personal time to wait for parents.

We live in an area where it is 90% free and reduced, along with this comes a lot of kids with no rules and being left to do whatever they want.  I have watched this for years.  I use to work in the school district and more times than not I was left with kids to be accountable for because parents couldn't be reached.  I no longer work there and I am a stay at home mom now.  I do not go out every day.  I am a different breed.  I do not like a lot of noise in the house.  This is due to the fact we have a small house and really no area for a bunch of kids to be in it.  I have closed myself off to a lot of people.  I too use to get taken advantage of because I would open my heart and my home, and times when I would say no the parents would get mad and have words with me.  Go figure since I was the one doing this.  We are also careful as to who we let in to the house due to the fact that dd's daddy works at the jail.  I shouldn't have to go in to details on that one!

I love my daughter, but I am not a chauffeur.  School nights are just that, homework, and not enough social time during the week.  I don't mind on the weekends, but during the week it is different.  

Quoting Momof5Teens67:

 I respectfully disagree!

Taking care of MY Kids is what I signed up for and we go above and beyond to make our house the house everyone's kids hang out at day and night and we take good care of those kids too and care about them also... however we did NOT SIGN up to transport everyones kids everywhere every day.  I, myself don't drive AT ALL and my husband works from 4am and doesnt get home until 5 or later and the last thing he needs to do is start driving everyone in towns kids all over.  Unless it is an emergency we say NO. And we make sure new kids know we are going to say no so they need to make sure they have transport b4 they come over to hang out.

Quoting Kiter:

it is what we signed up for, though.

You should say no when it just doesn't work out-

 but  it is great your daughter it so thoughtful of others and big-hearted. And it is good the kids are with you instead of left home alone all the time at their house.

and sometimes you might need a mental break.

 Maybe work it out with your daughter that on Fridays (or Tuesday or whichever day)- is family at home day and not to offer rides/home on that day unless she feels it is an emergency, in which case she calls first for permission on that day of the week.

Maybe if she is having friends over during meal times on a somewhat regular basis- have her be in charge if dinner once a week

 


ame4c
by Bronze Member on Aug. 31, 2010 at 5:42 PM

 We live so close to the schools that my kids walk to most things.  I don't let them walk after dark though and will go get them.  I never understood how parents can just let their kids go with so much going on in this world.  There are so many things that they can accidently get into that I can't imagine just letting them run free all the time.

shell81
by on Aug. 31, 2010 at 9:57 PM

 You got good advice above. HUGS you are not a bad mom:)

pt33333
by on Sep. 1, 2010 at 8:13 AM

No, you didn't sign up to be responsible for other kids' transportation.  It's one thing if you're going to pick her up anyway and will be dropping off one or a few kids that are not too far out of the way.  But, if she is scheduled to be walking home, she should not be offering rides to anyone else or even asking you to provide those rides.  The only time friends come here and I provide a ride home is if that arrangement was made ahead of time.  Also, I expect my son to let me know when he is bringing someone home.  He's not allowed to have friends over if I'm not going to be home all afternoon, so he needs to check with me to make sure I'll be there before bringing someone home.

In the situation with the friend who couldn't reach her parents, I would probably have had her stay at my house until she reached them.  I'd rather end up having to feed her and let her hang out until they get there than go out when I wasn't planning it.  

sammygrl77
by on Sep. 1, 2010 at 10:16 AM
Its ok to say no and your daughter should ask first. Last year my dd had her friend's mom drive her home all the time. I was not happy. I finally had to tell her that she needed to ride the bus or I would start punishing her. Her reason for riding with the friend? Because the mom was so nice and didn't mind at all because she always said yes. Now I know that could not have been true, which is why I was insistent that it stop. But you get the idea of what these kids think.

I think being a taxi is fine as long as its close to even exchange with other parents. That's the key, even with other parents. We share the duties to drive to activities and it works great most of the time. Some parents are abe to drive more than others but it seems to work.
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