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My last nerve is gone (LONG)

Posted by on Dec. 9, 2010 at 10:12 AM
  • 11 Replies

I no longer know what to do about my son.  I can't ask him questions, hell I can't even talk to him.  Nothing I do is good enough for him or makes him happy, LITERALLY! 

He's rude, shitty and at times is very disrespectful.  It's actually becoming quite embarrassing.  I talk to him mother to son, as an adult, as an equal and nothing seems to help or get through to him.  It has been this way since the middle of 7th grade and is progressively getting worse.  He has become a very angry young man. 

I feel this behavior is all my fault.  My childhood was very bad, my mother wasn't always the nicest person.  I would get grounded if she came home and could tell the tvhad been on, if it took to long to take out the trash, etc.  I wasn't allowed to date and hang out with friends.  I would get grounded because the dishes weren't dried properly.  So....I didn't want my child to grow up like that, so i have a hard time punishing him because it makes me remember my childhood, so I don't do it!  I never in a million years thought he would become so out of hand.  I'm the one that left his dad, but we still have a great relationship and I probably see him more now than I did when we were together.  This I can no longer accept the guilt for, I left because I could no longer deal with the drugs or the drinking and the not coming home.  My son says this isn't the problem, but I certainly wonder now.

He has good caring people around him, but this just doesn't seem to make a difference.  I try to talk to him and let him know that his life isn't as bad as he makes it out be.  I have tried counseling and next thing I knew the counselor was saying that she didn't really see the issues and Michael seemed very well rounded.  Of course, then I learn he wasn't honest with her.  I made the decision to save what little money I have and not go any longer.

He complains about his complexion, so I took him to a dermatologist, but he doesn't want to put the medication on his face, once in the morning.  So now he's angry about that.

I no longer feel I have the energy to deal with this on a daily basis, hell I don't even know how the attitude will be from one minute to the next!  I feel bad that I feel this way, but for my own health and peace of mind, things have got to get better.  Things have to get better for him, because I don't want him to grow up being an angry bitter person.

Thanks for your ears!

Michelle                butterfly


 

by on Dec. 9, 2010 at 10:12 AM
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Replies (1-10):
connietrrll
by on Dec. 9, 2010 at 10:20 AM

I am not really sure what you should do to change his attitude. I know I have a friend with a son like that. She decided she had enough this year. So for Christmas she took him shopping and bought everything he wanted. Then turned around and donated it all to a kid on the Angel tree. He is so mad. But, she told him that she will continue to give to kids that have less, till he learns to appreciate what he has. My husband and I were shocked. Because this kid has everything. He has a Wii, Xbox 360, and the newest playstation. He has a computer and a laptop. He also has a flat screen tv in his room. So she decided to teach him a lesson this year. I am not sure if it will work or not.

02nana07
by on Dec. 9, 2010 at 1:21 PM

 If he is angry all the time maybe he is depressed.  He might not tell you the reason because maybe he doesn't know.  If you don't have the money there are places to get free counseling.  Another thing I was thinking maybe something is happening in school or he has been abused by an adult and he is ashamed to talk about it.  

good luck

SirsMom
by on Dec. 9, 2010 at 1:27 PM

 I have consider that he may be depressed and thats why I thought counseling would help.  He has Blue Cross/Blue Shield and his counseling appointments only cost $15, which wasn't bad.  I guess I should have clarified what I meant by quiting, I figured if was going to waste everybody's time that I didn't want to waste my money on it. 

Anyway, I also considered that he may have been abused by an adult and have asked him several times.  I try not to badger him, but I do try my hardest to ask questions.  I've asked him about school too.  The only thing I haven't done is ask the school myself.  They don't seem to communicate things very well, he had in school suspension and I didn't even get a notice about it, I only knew because he told me.

I think I would like to introduce the counseling again.  We both noticed a huge improvement around the apartment after the first visit.

Quoting 02nana07:

 If he is angry all the time maybe he is depressed.  He might not tell you the reason because maybe he doesn't know.  If you don't have the money there are places to get free counseling.  Another thing I was thinking maybe something is happening in school or he has been abused by an adult and he is ashamed to talk about it.  

good luck

 

Michelle                butterfly


 

connietrrll
by on Dec. 9, 2010 at 6:45 PM

How old is he. I know that I have 2 boys and both have had similar attitudes. Not so much my younger one, but he just turned 14. But older son for about 3 years it was hit and miss. You could say good morning and get good morning back, or just a look of FU. It depended on his mood. I am not sure if that helps. But sometimes he would refuse to get in the car I was driving because he did not want to be seen with his mom.

sunny1961
by on Dec. 9, 2010 at 7:09 PM

Question - when you take him to counseling, do you go into the counselor's office with him, or is he allowed to go by himself? My daughter would not - I mean absolutely refused to participate in her own therapy....until I finally got her a NEW counselor and told her that I would not be going in with her - unless she wanted me to! She has actually opened up so much that about every other trip now, she requests that I go in with her. It was really hard for me to except that she wouldn't talk with me around, but after meeting with a very special person and hearing how it made such a difference in her own daughter's life, I decided to give it a shot - I am so thankful I did. Our relationship has improved so much that we now laugh and joke, and have fun with each other - and she talks to me about everything!

Also, I know parents freak out when they hear these words, but has he been evaluated for BiPolar? That is what it sounds like with the major mood swings! Most people don't realize that violence isn't always a factor when BP is involved - there are two different classifications.

And, is he seeing a psyciatrist as well as a counselor? Many times, a psyciatrist catches things that a counselor misses - and vise versa!

Good luck, momma. Teenagers really do have it rough - while we are trying to "mold" them into the adults we think they should be, they are trying to "come into their own" and figure out who THEY want to be! Sometimes, that in itself can cause them such severe mental conflicts because they want to please us, but they want to be allowed to be who they really are.

~~~Barbara

Quoting SirsMom:

 I have consider that he may be depressed and thats why I thought counseling would help.  He has Blue Cross/Blue Shield and his counseling appointments only cost $15, which wasn't bad.  I guess I should have clarified what I meant by quiting, I figured if was going to waste everybody's time that I didn't want to waste my money on it. 

Anyway, I also considered that he may have been abused by an adult and have asked him several times.  I try not to badger him, but I do try my hardest to ask questions.  I've asked him about school too.  The only thing I haven't done is ask the school myself.  They don't seem to communicate things very well, he had in school suspension and I didn't even get a notice about it, I only knew because he told me.

I think I would like to introduce the counseling again.  We both noticed a huge improvement around the apartment after the first visit.

Quoting 02nana07:

 If he is angry all the time maybe he is depressed.  He might not tell you the reason because maybe he doesn't know.  If you don't have the money there are places to get free counseling.  Another thing I was thinking maybe something is happening in school or he has been abused by an adult and he is ashamed to talk about it.  

good luck

 

 

wallmom1
by on Dec. 9, 2010 at 7:31 PM

All the above advice is excellent.  I too have trouble at times with my 17 yo dd, mostly just normal stuff.  But I found with her that when I stop asking and step back she comes to me.  There are times when I just say " I know something is bothering you and when you are ready to talk, I'll be here".  That works sometimes too.  Luckily for me it is just school and boys and that kind of thing. but if he is willing to talk to someone, keep looking until you find the right match for him.  Good luck, these are not easy years.

SirsMom
by on Dec. 10, 2010 at 9:39 AM

 He went in by himself and then at the end of his session she would bring me in and discuss our "homework"....meaning the nagging of the cleaning of the BEDROOM, it bothered him that I would want it done when I asked, so she suggested that I give him a second time to ask and then if he didn't do it there would be consequences.  Also, introduce giving him a 15 minute window, in case something happened on his way home, this also seemed to work, but he didn't seem to talk to her about the anger and frustration he feels.  Strange I know.  I have already told him that it is time to go back.

As far as the biopolar, yes I have thought about it.  My son has a seizure disorder that was just diagnosed 3 years ago.  I also learned that he has permanent brain damage that affects his right side, nothing major, he is just weaker on his right side.  So I have often wondered if he was misdiagnosed with the seizure disorder and it is something else.

Thank you for making me see that I REALLY need to check into this more.

Quoting sunny1961:

Question - when you take him to counseling, do you go into the counselor's office with him, or is he allowed to go by himself? My daughter would not - I mean absolutely refused to participate in her own therapy....until I finally got her a NEW counselor and told her that I would not be going in with her - unless she wanted me to! She has actually opened up so much that about every other trip now, she requests that I go in with her. It was really hard for me to except that she wouldn't talk with me around, but after meeting with a very special person and hearing how it made such a difference in her own daughter's life, I decided to give it a shot - I am so thankful I did. Our relationship has improved so much that we now laugh and joke, and have fun with each other - and she talks to me about everything!

Also, I know parents freak out when they hear these words, but has he been evaluated for BiPolar? That is what it sounds like with the major mood swings! Most people don't realize that violence isn't always a factor when BP is involved - there are two different classifications.

And, is he seeing a psyciatrist as well as a counselor? Many times, a psyciatrist catches things that a counselor misses - and vise versa!

Good luck, momma. Teenagers really do have it rough - while we are trying to "mold" them into the adults we think they should be, they are trying to "come into their own" and figure out who THEY want to be! Sometimes, that in itself can cause them such severe mental conflicts because they want to please us, but they want to be allowed to be who they really are.

~~~Barbara

Quoting SirsMom:

 I have consider that he may be depressed and thats why I thought counseling would help.  He has Blue Cross/Blue Shield and his counseling appointments only cost $15, which wasn't bad.  I guess I should have clarified what I meant by quiting, I figured if was going to waste everybody's time that I didn't want to waste my money on it. 

Anyway, I also considered that he may have been abused by an adult and have asked him several times.  I try not to badger him, but I do try my hardest to ask questions.  I've asked him about school too.  The only thing I haven't done is ask the school myself.  They don't seem to communicate things very well, he had in school suspension and I didn't even get a notice about it, I only knew because he told me.

I think I would like to introduce the counseling again.  We both noticed a huge improvement around the apartment after the first visit.

Quoting 02nana07:

 If he is angry all the time maybe he is depressed.  He might not tell you the reason because maybe he doesn't know.  If you don't have the money there are places to get free counseling.  Another thing I was thinking maybe something is happening in school or he has been abused by an adult and he is ashamed to talk about it.  

good luck

 

 

 

Michelle                butterfly


 

SirsMom
by on Dec. 10, 2010 at 9:43 AM

 Your suggestion is awesome and I have recently started to do this and it does seem to work 9 times out 10.  As far as school goes, he gets great grades and has told me that it bothers him because he is in the enriched classes and that none of his friends are.  I told him not to look at it that way and way not consider helping his friends who struggle, so this has helped him see that he has a gift, and it helps his friends. 

Now girls on the other hand, apparently this is what he talks to his dad about and I have learned that he just doesn't feel comfortable talking to me about the girls.  This is where his dad and I have very different opinions, I think he is too young, 13, and his dad thinks he should go for it!

Quoting wallmom1:

All the above advice is excellent.  I too have trouble at times with my 17 yo dd, mostly just normal stuff.  But I found with her that when I stop asking and step back she comes to me.  There are times when I just say " I know something is bothering you and when you are ready to talk, I'll be here".  That works sometimes too.  Luckily for me it is just school and boys and that kind of thing. but if he is willing to talk to someone, keep looking until you find the right match for him.  Good luck, these are not easy years.

 

Michelle                butterfly


 

SirsMom
by on Dec. 10, 2010 at 9:45 AM

Ah yes, being in public with mom!  There is no hand holding and I don't dare try to get near him.  You would thing he was going to die! 

Quoting connietrrll:

How old is he. I know that I have 2 boys and both have had similar attitudes. Not so much my younger one, but he just turned 14. But older son for about 3 years it was hit and miss. You could say good morning and get good morning back, or just a look of FU. It depended on his mood. I am not sure if that helps. But sometimes he would refuse to get in the car I was driving because he did not want to be seen with his mom.

 

Michelle                butterfly


 

SirsMom
by on Dec. 10, 2010 at 9:46 AM

I actually took him to a psychologist and he seemed to really like her, so did I, she's very down to earth and nonjudgmental.  

Thank you every one for your thoughts and suggestions. 

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