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How to punish my defiant, disrespectful 13 yr old BRAT?

Posted by on Feb. 22, 2011 at 3:20 PM
  • 78 Replies

To give you a little background, my ex & I have joint custody of my 13 yr old daughter, Katie.  He lives about 3/4 of a mile from our house.  I call him "Disney Dad" because he showers our daughter with expensive gifts.....she has had a cell phone since she was 7 yrs old.  Naturally Katie gravitates to her dad.

Well, this morning we were leaving the house to do errands.  I notice that Katie has on socks with CROCKS.  There is 2 inches of snow on the ground outside!  So I tell Katie to change shoes.  She refuses.  I insist.  She refuses again.  She then heads out to the garage and gets in the car.  I open the car door and loudly tell her to go get other shoes on!  She says no.  So I tell her she's in big trouble for not listening to me, and I proceed to call her dad.  He doesn't answer so I call my husband.  I tell him what's going on and he asks to speak to Katie.  I don't know what he said to her, but it got her moving in the direction of the house to switch shoes!

Currently I'm thinking I will make her go to bed at 8 o'clock, the same time as her 9 yr old brother.  I really want to punish her a lot worse than that though...I don't think the early bedtime will really phase her.  If she was smaller than me I would have considered taking her over my knee and whooping her ass for being so blatantly defiant and disrespectful towards me this morning, but unfortunately she is an inch taller already and a hefty 30 lbs. heavier than me!  So whooping her ass isn't really an option....but I want to make her suffer.  A LOT.  The thing that really makes me even more angry is that when I picked her up from being at my friend's house for a couple of hrs (I went with my friend to the Dr. for some biopsy results) Katie still had her bad attitude, and she sat with her arms crossed which spoke volumes about her shitty disposition.  She really does owe me an apology for being such a little bitch!  I don't know if we are going to make it through these teen years....I really don't.    :(   Any good ideas for punishment?

by on Feb. 22, 2011 at 3:20 PM
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Replies (1-10):
1boy1girlmama
by Member on Feb. 22, 2011 at 3:28 PM

1. Take the crocs away. She won't see them again until the weather outside is appropriate

2. Tell her if she is going to act like a 5 yr. old you will treat like a 5 yr. old and send her to bed @ 8.

3. Ground her from tv/computer/phone for a few days.

 

That is what I would do.

FlyHippie
by on Feb. 22, 2011 at 3:31 PM

Why do you have to call the men to tell her what to do? This proves to her that YOU don't have the authority to make her mind....so why should she do what you say? It only means business when you tell on her.

Plus, if her feet get cold in crocs, she won't do it again. I mean, I understand she should listen and mind, but instead of making it a big fight, just say "you realize your feet are going to get wet and cold, right? So if this is your decision, no complaints...got it?" Then she has the power to decide and deal with natural consequences...

and neither of you start your day with a fight or calling other people into the fight or any of that nonsense.

FlyHippie
by on Feb. 22, 2011 at 3:33 PM

Plus, maybe instead of focusing on making her suffer...A LOT (as you say)

why don't you focus on seeing why she was so hell bent on wearing those shoes? Or focus on getting the lesson of respect across rather than just making her suffer?

MaggotMom
by on Feb. 22, 2011 at 3:37 PM

I agree with this. This was the first mistake. It sends the message that what Mom says doesn't mean anything. You're going to have an uphill battle to fix that....

Secondly, I make my kids work their butts off when there's any disrespect or defiance. They have done it, or tried it anyway, but found out very quickly that doing that equaled them doing manual labor around the house for several days at a time. I got a lot of yard work and household maintenence done around the house during that time. It worked for me.

It also worked for my parents, because this is what my siblings and I got for the same infractions.

Quoting FlyHippie:

Why do you have to call the men to tell her what to do? This proves to her that YOU don't have the authority to make her mind....so why should she do what you say? It only means business when you tell on her.

Plus, if her feet get cold in crocs, she won't do it again. I mean, I understand she should listen and mind, but instead of making it a big fight, just say "you realize your feet are going to get wet and cold, right? So if this is your decision, no complaints...got it?" Then she has the power to decide and deal with natural consequences...

and neither of you start your day with a fight or calling other people into the fight or any of that nonsense.


charlotsomtimes
by on Feb. 22, 2011 at 3:37 PM

is she your oldest?

first thing- why punish?  it's jsut a pair of shoes, if her feet get cold or wet and she is miserable, she will probably think twice next time (and she could take the socks off if they are wet)

You need to pick your battles hun, and honestly- this isn't that big of a deal in the scheme of life. 

I would talk to her once everone has cooled off and ask WHY she wanted to wear them, and explain WHY you didn't want her to.  I honestly wouldn't be punishing  for this- but that's me

***********

"So whooping her ass isn't really an option....but I want to make her suffer.  A LOT." 

 wow...not even sure what to say about that -  other than that's not a good way to feel about it or approach it.  Makes me wonder what you would want to does anything else you don't like...yikes

cege
by Bronze Member on Feb. 22, 2011 at 3:44 PM

It must be really hard having to be the strict parent.  I would be upset and frustrated if I were in your position, I'm sure.  But getting into a power struggle with your daughter isn't going to benefit either of you.  I would choose your battles very carefully.  I think i would have let her wear the crocks and if she ended up with cold feet so be it.  Let her suffer the natural consequence of making a poor decision.  In terms of her being disrespectful, I'm not sure what punishment I'd give but I'd sit her down and let her know what the consequences will be in a very calm manner.  I understand why you're angry but I wouldn't let your daughter see that you are.  She probably enjoys pushing your buttons and she may be getting some kind of weird satisfaction in upsetting you.  The more calmly you can talk to her the better.  I know it's not easy, though, I have a temper and there are times I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I sometimes have to give myself time-outs.

 I've read a good book called, "Getting to Calm: Cool-headed Strategies for Parenting Tweens & Teens".  It has helped me a lot and I refer back to it when I'm about to really lose it with one of my kids.  Good luck with everything.

URHonor
by on Feb. 22, 2011 at 3:45 PM

 i would not "call her dad" in front of her. it makes you look weak...and sends the message that what he says is what goes which isn't true. i would have taken the shoes off her feet myself.

juliX4
by Bronze Member on Feb. 22, 2011 at 3:45 PM
Pick your battles!! Ten years from now is it going to matter what shoes she wore? Teens need independance and need to be able to make decisions on thier own. If you keep picking battles that dont matter your in for a very long haul. Also, not to be mean but she showed you the same respect you showed her. You can still be the parent and treat her with respect.
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joeykttn
by on Feb. 22, 2011 at 3:50 PM

I agree, you shouldn't have picked this particular battle. HOWEVER...if your mama tells you to change your shoes, you change your shoes. I can TOTALLY understand the frustration over the defiance and lack of respect. 

At some point, ya gotta figure out how to get her respect (without calling in the men..), and you have to figure out which battles are worth testing her obedience, and which are small enough to give her room to learn her own lessons....

and I strugle with this too, so I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm picking on you. I'm not.

FabDarling
by on Feb. 22, 2011 at 4:05 PM

 i have a 13 year old names katie too!!!!! LOL!

i rarely rely on punishments with her anymore (it still works on my 7 year old)....but doesn't have much effect on her anymore.

i would just sit her down and explain why there are the rules you make.....and what type of relationship you'd like to establish with her.  I usually get through with my older girl if i explain my expectations of her at her age and let her know if she acts like a 'little girl' i will treat her as such.

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