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Moms with Teens Moms with Teens

Help! Not sure how to handle 13 year old boy "drama"

Posted by on Sep. 5, 2011 at 4:28 PM
  • 18 Replies

Hi to all Moms with Teens.  I am new here, and am looking foward to getting your advice as well as helping out when I can.

I need help on how to handle a teen situation.  Its a long story (aren't they all?) but I am going to try to just give the highlights.  My son, who is in 8th grade and almost 14, has been dumped by a couple of his good friends.  I am sure my son isn't blameless, but at the same time, all of his teachers, coaches, other parents, etc. consistently comment on how kind and fun my son is... he is always including people, helps kids who are struggling at school out... we always say he was born sunny side up for a reason.

I think the main thing that happened was that his friends decided that it was cool to talk badly about other people, and it turned into a "group think" thing, and my son just happened to be an unlucky target.  He still has other friends, and seems to be handling the whole thing OK in the scheme of things.  But, he is still sad.

My need for advice is that I am good friends with the moms of these boys, and I feel awkward every time I am around them.  They both act like nothing has happened, when I know darn well that they know something has.  These boys didn't just end the friendship... they text each other and others not nice things about my son, and just generally continue to be jerky about the whole thing.  If the friendship between the boys had just faded away, it wouldn't be an issue.  But, I am having a hard time not bringing the subject up.  My husband says that we should remain friends with the adults (even though he does acknowledge that the boys aren't being kind).  We still have to see them quite a bit, as our sons all play the same sports, etc.  But, I feel really fake when I just have to nod and smile when they talk in glowing terms about their sons.  And, when they invite us over, etc., my husband wants to go, but the whole time I watch my son feel uncomfortable.  The last time we all went out after a game, one of the boys didn't say one word to my son the entire night... talked over him, around him, etc.  What should I do?  I know in my head I shouldn't base my own adult friendships on what is happening with my sons friendships, but at the same time, I feel like our friendships aren't genuine if we don't at least get this out on the table.  I know I would want to know if my son was actively being unkind to someone else, but my husband says that knowing the parents involved, they will just say boys will be boys, and it could even make it worse for my son in the long run.  Please tell me if any of you have been in this situation, and how you handled it, or how you think you would handle it if it happened to you.


by on Sep. 5, 2011 at 4:28 PM
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Replies (1-10):
DAHLONEGAMOMMY
by Bronze Member on Sep. 5, 2011 at 4:38 PM

Children can be so cruel to each other. I dont know that I would say anything to these parents unless I was prepared for the rejection that could come with it. I am sure these mothers wont like what their children are doing and understand why you are upset. However, there are two sides to every story and they could turn the tables and go one the defensive. Has your son asked you to get in the middle? Have you asked your son how he feels about your continuing a friendship with the parents of these kids? If you think you should talk to them, perhaps it would be in your favor to get all the parents together and talk about it. If you do it separately, it might make them feel defensive. Get everyone together and work together for the benefit of the kids. 

tyfry7496
by Silver Member on Sep. 5, 2011 at 4:52 PM
You let him work it out himself. It hurts to watch our kids struggle but he has to be the one to decide what he wants to do. I would definitely not bring him to sports outings if he is that comfortable. Pull back from the parents too. Encourage him to make different friends. If they were his true friends they wouldn't treat him like they are.
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momofne
by on Sep. 5, 2011 at 5:04 PM

This....

Quoting tyfry7496:

You let him work it out himself. It hurts to watch our kids struggle but he has to be the one to decide what he wants to do. I would definitely not bring him to sports outings if he is that comfortable. Pull back from the parents too. Encourage him to make different friends. If they were his true friends they wouldn't treat him like they are.


mommyhonu
by on Sep. 5, 2011 at 5:10 PM

 I agree with this to ... I'm sorry he's going thru this. It's hard growing up.

Quoting tyfry7496:

You let him work it out himself. It hurts to watch our kids struggle but he has to be the one to decide what he wants to do. I would definitely not bring him to sports outings if he is that comfortable. Pull back from the parents too. Encourage him to make different friends. If they were his true friends they wouldn't treat him like they are.

 

iluv2read
by on Sep. 5, 2011 at 6:23 PM

 I also agree with letting him work it out for himself, and the other suggestions tyfry gave you.  Good luck!

MrsBLB
by Missi on Sep. 5, 2011 at 6:38 PM

Good advice here.  This age is so difficult.  How does your son feel about it?  Please keep us updated.   

cege
by Bronze Member on Sep. 5, 2011 at 8:23 PM

I have had a similar situation with my daughter.  I chose to not attend family activities at the house of the other parent because I knew it would be awful for her.  I'm still friendly with the other mom but our interactions do not involve our kids at all and I tend to steer the conversation away from our children.  Honestly, this is why I make friends based more on my own interests than having kids that are friends.  I've seen so many situations where drama between kids equates to drama between the parents.  Be supportive of your son, let him know he'll find better friends, and don't mention the situation to the other parents because even if they were understanding they can't force their sons to remain friends with yours.  I hope things improve for your son soon.

boys2men2soon
by Kimberly on Sep. 5, 2011 at 11:26 PM

I have been there!  My sons BFF and his cronies "dumped" my son.   The big problem was that the BFF's parents were also my DH and my Best friends and neighbors.    We tried to ignore it for awhile.  I know my friend (the other Mom) knew more than she was letting on...but she would never admit it.  Finally, we quit doing family things together.   We still spend time with the parents, but not with our kids.    It has been really hard.  We used to vacation together, camp together, spend Holidays together......but I am not willing to make my son uncomfortable.

Shellness
by on Sep. 5, 2011 at 11:32 PM

 Work it out himself to some extent but they need to know you are there to talk to about and get advice and to tell them that you think he is being treated unfairly, and to not let them push him around and bully him. To always take up for himself.

Quoting mommyhonu:

 I agree with this to ... I'm sorry he's going thru this. It's hard growing up.

Quoting tyfry7496:

You let him work it out himself. It hurts to watch our kids struggle but he has to be the one to decide what he wants to do. I would definitely not bring him to sports outings if he is that comfortable. Pull back from the parents too. Encourage him to make different friends. If they were his true friends they wouldn't treat him like they are.

 

 

laurainglese320
by on Sep. 8, 2011 at 6:26 AM

Quoting tyfry7496:

You let him work it out himself. It hurts to watch our kids struggle but he has to be the one to decide what he wants to do. I would definitely not bring him to sports outings if he is that comfortable. Pull back from the parents too. Encourage him to make different friends. If they were his true friends they wouldn't treat him like they are.

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