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What do you do when your teen is defiant?

Posted by on Oct. 12, 2011 at 2:33 AM
  • 21 Replies

My 15 year old daughter seems to believe that she doesn't have to obey rules.  Grounding doesn't seem to work, taking things away doesn't seem to help either.  I've been telling her to go to bed because she has school tomorrow and that she WAS going.  She's refusing to go to bed to prove a point that she can do what she pleases and I can't do anything to her except what I've already done (grounding, taking computer privalages away, ect). 

She had told me earlier today the reason why she wasn't going to school was because she was doing something that she believed in.  When asked and what would that be? Her reply was, "I'm doing what I want to do."

So what do parents do when teens are defiant like this because in our state if a teen her age doesn't go to school the parent goes to jail for a year.  I've never been to jail before and I don't plan to start.

by on Oct. 12, 2011 at 2:33 AM
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by on Oct. 12, 2011 at 9:09 AM

I would seek legal counsel in the family law area. Find out what your rights are as a parent and how far you can go with discipline and what you need to do to protect yourself. Maybe even call DCF in your area and ask them for advice. Good luck.

by on Oct. 12, 2011 at 10:27 AM
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I think calling the local police precinct and asking them to escort her tail to school for a day (or a week) would help, if you let them know she is being truant against your wishes and you have tried every means possible.

It would show the court (if you were ever brought on trial/ headed for jail for this reason) that you had honestly tried what methods you could, and went to drastic measures to ensure her attendance.

It's what I would do!

by on Oct. 12, 2011 at 10:32 AM
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You tell her you get your ass up and go to school or you will be calling the truant officer.

Normally - depending on WHAT he's being defiant about - I weigh the pros and cons of getting all upset or letting it play out by itself. Usually letting it play out - when possible works best because - well I only make rules that are best for him - not for control over him and when he doesn't follow those rules and the end result is - whats not best for him he's quick to realize it.

Like bedtime. he's 17 there is no forcing him to goto bed and honestly I dont want to fight about it - its stupid IMO.  The reason he needs to goto bed is so he's not tired in the morning - well he can stay up as long as he likes - as long as he gets out of bed in the morning - and its HIM who's tired no me - so who's really winning here?

I think what you have is a case of PUsh and pushback. Stop pushing. Tell her stay up as long as she likes, but she WILL get up and goto school the next day - and if she doesn't you WILL call the truant officer because you will NOT be fined for her misdeeds.

And then follow through and stay true to your word.

Trust me - a sit down with any truant officer - who explains that she gets up and goes to school - OR face being put into a detention hall where she will be told when to eat shit sleep and learn.. she will get on game.

by Grumpy on Oct. 12, 2011 at 10:56 AM

She doesn't go to bed, so what does she do?  Sit in her room?  Cut the power off in there and shut her door.  As for the school thing, enlist your husband to help you pick her up in the morning and put her in the car if she refuses to go.  Then pick her up and put her in her first class.  May need to take a couple of sick days but after she realizes your seriously cramping her style with her friends she may straighten up.

by on Oct. 12, 2011 at 11:03 AM

Send for a walk through at juvie to show her what happens when you dont obey societies rules

by on Oct. 12, 2011 at 11:25 AM

well you tell her before the cops get in the way and you may end going to jail, you are going to call them and make sure everything is documented. That it is her who does refuses to go to school no matter what you take away from her....frustratedI know it is hard..but you can do this!

by on Oct. 12, 2011 at 12:51 PM

Go buy the book, "Parenting Teens With Love and Logic", I have two teenagers-one defiant, drug using, lying teen and one obedient,  well grounded, respectful teen. The book works if you follow it but it basically talks about consequences and following through with the boundaries you have set. You have to make it her choice and if she makes poor choices, there will be consequences. The consequences have to be meaningful and something that you can manage and control like money, doing her laundry, driving her places, etc. My son never cared if we grounded him because he left anyway. When we took the tag and distributor cap off of his car, grounding him had a new meaning. I feel for you, it is so hard sometimes. I hope this helps.

by on Oct. 12, 2011 at 1:14 PM

My mom was raising her brothers daughter after he died and she had a rough road with that child.  I will say that if your daughter is refusing to go to school and your afraid of the legal repercussions then you need to fill out a Youth at Risk form with the court.  I also recommend having a lawyer fill it out for you!  ASAP  Our state calls it the Becca Bill and it is very pricey when they start fining you for your child not attending!  

by on Oct. 12, 2011 at 3:53 PM

call the cops on her yourself. that's what my parents did for me. 

by on Oct. 12, 2011 at 4:28 PM

Thank you all for your responses....I greatly appreciate it!!  It is indeed hard calling the cops because at 12 yr she was assaulted, she was diagnosed with PTSD, Mood Disorder, and Bipolar 2.  She just recently got out of a behavioral center where she stayed for 10 months due to suicidal ideation over her assault.  It's hard to call the police because I wonder if it will set her back even worse than what she is now.  She is seeing a out-patient therapy.  Tomorrow we go for her next appointment and I'm going to suggest she returns to this center.  Doing this will be hard cause she missed Christmas with the family.  My boyfriend has been extremely patient with her but the whole atmosphere at the house is so weighed down. **Staying Strong**

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