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Hmmm...what to do?

Posted by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 8:53 AM
  • 9 Replies

 My 15 year old DS has had a difficult start to his freshman year.  He was smoking pot, sneaking out, and hanging out with the wrong crowd.  It all came to a head on his 15th birthday when he was suspended for coming to school high (when he got to school he went off school property and got high).  He is a smart kid, he is in the gifted program, but he finds school boring and "stupid".  Anyway my DH and I cracked down on him big time.  Took all his freedoms and he has been slowly earning them back.  We have him in counseling and he has been doing wonderful!  I am sooo proud of his improvements!  He is improving his grades, he is hanging out with a new more positive group of friends.  He is working out every day and trying to be more healthy.  He hasn't had a soda since New Years. He used to be a junk food junkie, not any more.  He even packs his own lunch so that he can eat healthier at school.  He is making good choices and breaking the cycle of back choices that he used to make. 

 He now has a girlfriend.  He talks to her on the phone every day (our house phone because he still doesn't have his cell phone).  He had invited her to come over to our house, and I was happy when her mom said "no" because she hasn't met my son or me.  He is going to her house on Monday so that we can meet. 

So here is the concern, that I am not sure how to address.  My son has a facebook account, however I have taken it over and have not given it back to him.  He used it in the past to arrange sneak outs and to communicate with people that were getting him drugs.  Though he doesn't have it, I still monitor it.  I can learn alot about what is going on at school from it. On a side note it is amazing what some kids will post on facebook,  there were some kids on there  posting about getting stoned and even some kids posting about how thier parents let them get stoned.  AMAZING. ;-(    Anyway....when my son used to sneak out he used to go to walk to one of his friends house,  1 girls and a boy that he goes to school with live there.  A brother and sister and half-sister.  I know thier mom, we have spoken about it.  The times he came over, she didn't even know he was there.  And  she knows my son and she gave him a hard time about it.  Ok so I found out through facebook that my DS girlfriend is going to this house to sleepover.  I know my son and I this would be one of those temptation times for him where he might make a bad choice and sneak out to go see her.  She lives way to far away to walk, but this house is closer, still a dangerous walk down a "drunk driver" road.  I'm not sure how to approach this.  Help?  On the one hand he has been making some great decisions and I want to believe that he would make the right choice in this case, but on the other hand I am not sure he would make the right choice.  I plan to sent the motion alarm tonight, but I would hate to just wait it out and catch him in the act.  I would much rather see him make the right choice.  What do you think?

by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 8:53 AM
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by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 9:38 AM
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I have 2 sons that are recovering addicts (16 & 19). My best advice is to trust your instincts.

In this case, I would do whatever possible to make sure he does not have to opportunity to go to this house. If you have the info ahead of time like you do, use it to your advantage. All it takes is one time smoking a joint or whatever and they are right back where they started and a lot of times it gets worse fast.

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by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 10:38 AM
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Tell the girlfriend's mom what you suspect could happen.

Set the motion alarm AND talk to the girl's parents. Just be frank with her mom and let her know that you would like for her to keep it between you two, and tell her that you are stalking you son's Facebook page and let her know what you have found. 

I sure as hell would. As the mom of a girl and a boy, I can see both sides of the scenario and I would appreciate a heads up. I have a 15 yo daughter that would never think of sneaking out and a 19 yo daughter who would in a skinny minute. I also have a son who used to sneak out and then my 15 year old son who I don't think would, but........

I stalk both of the 15 year old's Facebook pages. They also know that I look at their phones and their text messages. (They think I can see their text messages from my smart phone, but I can't. I'm not telling them any different though) They both know that full disclosure is part of the privilage of having a cell phone. 

by on Jan. 18, 2012 at 11:52 AM
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Make him aware that you know that the girl will be there, maybe offer instead to take him to go see her for a little bit.youd be there to supervise of course.Don't leave!Keeping them a part is not a good idea cause he might sneak.

by on Jan. 18, 2012 at 12:26 PM

 First of all I think it's great that your son is doing so well and that you and your DH jumped right in to help him to get back on the right  track.  I agree with the advice that obx_mom gave you.   Good luck and I hope all works out and your son continues to make the right choices! 

by on Jan. 18, 2012 at 5:04 PM

I would sit down and talk to him about it.  Start with praise for all the good decisions that he has made and how that he is making such a significant change in his life. I would make him aware sometime during that conversation that you know the GF is spending the night down the road and that you are not comfortable with him going down there to see her and that you are trusting him in making the right decision to wait until Monday when all of you can get together. Then all you can do is wait and see.

by Bronze Member on Jan. 18, 2012 at 5:43 PM
Thanks everyone! I had a talk with him and focused on all the good choices he has made. I talked to him about looking forward to meeting his gf and her mom on Monday and not making choices that would jepordize him being able to go there. I didn't mention what I knew. I just knew he was going to be smart and make the right choice, and I am proud to say that he did. He didn't sneak out, I met both the gf and her mom on Monday. He stayed at her house for a while (supervised of course) and watched movies. I am so happy that her mom and I are on the same page about our teens dating. As a result of his good choices he has been having a super week, we gave him his phone and facebook back, with guidelines of course. Thanks for all the great advice.
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by on Jan. 19, 2012 at 3:27 PM

So glad to hear it! Teens are tough! I have a sneaky one, an angel and one that could go either way. Its tough, but I believe its really important to stay on top of things. Let them know that you KNOW what they are up to because you've been there yourself, but also let them know that you know you believe in them. 

You did just that and it paid off. Good for you! Stay in touch with that other mom. Don't let your guard down! It only takes once. They might hate your "hovering" now, but they'll thank you when they graduate from high school and are able to go on to college without dragging babies with them. 

you rock

by on Jan. 19, 2012 at 3:54 PM

I've never been an addict, but I know a little bit about addiction.  Certain people, locations, activities, etc., that are associated with the addicts old habits, can prompt a person to resume an addictive behavior again.  Simply being in that house could make him want a joint.  Glad that he stayed home and used good judgement. 

This phenomenon is called stimulus control.  A specific stimulus can elicit a specific behavior.  In this case, the house could elicit the desire for a joint.  The people in that house could also elicit the desire for a joint.    

As I understand it, many addicts relapse because they are still in the same social circles and living in the same environment they were in when they were using.  There are too many stimuli that tempt them to use again.  Some addicts find that they have to move to a new city and cut off all their old friends to stay sober.  (Doesn't sound like your son is in this boat.  Just wanted to mention that it happens.)

Sounds like your kid is really smart, doing a great job, and you've done a great job helping him.  I'd just be aware that old friends, places, etc. that are associated with smoking pot might tempt your son to use again.  If I were you, I would discuss a plan of action with your son, in case he finds himself in a situation that tempts him to fall back into old behaviors. 

The plan can be simple.  Something like, call Mom as soon as you get the urge.  Leave the gathering/house/whatever that is tempting you, then call Mom right away.  Whatever you and your son think will work best for him.


by on Jan. 19, 2012 at 4:26 PM

you have to trust your son, but watch him like a hawk....  Pray that he makes the right choice and if he doesnt ....give him severe consequences but make sure you let him know it was his choices  in the past that got him in trouble.  But also remember in order for him to gain wisdom he must make his own mistakes.  Whether or not he learns from them is what we hope for...  Good Luck!

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