2 teenage daughters...I'm about at my wit's end!! Help!!

[dfreeman1117]

I have 2 daughters. 16 and 13 years old. My 16 year old is working, dating and fixing to get her license. Trying to give her a little more freedom. She is in her junior year of high school and for the most part has a pretty level head. She has goals that she has researched and is making plans to help her achieve those goals. She is also still a teenager with a boyfriend and gets a little distracted now and then. My 13 year old is the complete and total opposite. She would argue with a brick wall. She absolutley refuses to understand why she can't go running around with her friends all weekend. Nothing is EVER her fault. We have grounded her and taken her phone from her. It seems as though NOTHING works. Her attitude just keeps getting worse and worse. I just don't know what to do anymore. We don't have cable tv or the internet. To get on the internet, she has to ask for permission to use my phone. She does have a cell phone (not currently though, it was just taken away again last night because she was late getting home). This morning I wake up to letters saying she hates this house and family and that she is leaving. She had also written this on her bedroom mirror. How do I get her attention and get the attitude under control?

[rkoloms]

Your 13 year old seems to be headed down a dangerous path. I would definitely get her in therapy

[jcm62497]

Wow... Sorry you are going through this.  I would try talking to her when you are both calm.  Sounds to me like she wants all the rights and privledges that her older sister enjoys.  She is only 13 and there is a big diffence between 13 and 16.  I am guessing she is either in 7th or 8th grade.  My daughter is a high school freshman now. When she was in middle school it seemed like many of the kids thought they should be treated like high schoolers.  They rode the bus with them and the middle and high school are on the same campus.  She was allowed to go to the mall with friends starting in 7th grade.  I did not allow mall hanging out for hours on end.  Two hours was the limit, unless they were seeing  a movie.  I also texted her about every 45 minutes and she knew she had to answer that text.   13 year old girls are all about their friends.  I would tell her she needs to earn "friend time" by being respectful and getting good grades and keeping her room neat.

[bizzeemom2717]

My DD is in 8th grade and almost 14 it's a tough age I agree. I think you are def doing the right thing by setting boundaries and taking away privileges. I would make it clear to her that the attitude needs to stop and you deserve to be treated with respect. Hang in there!

[dobrd]

dfreeman1117, I had this w/our DD.. I don't think of her as a SD but, she is.. It doesn't matter.. We have rules/Regs in our home, the kids WILL follow them.. We are the parents, thats it.. They have a say, but, bottom line is what we feel is best.. Attitudes are ignored around her.. No excuse for it, so, not going to listen.. I go about my business.. Ignore the mirror, running away.. If our kids want us to listen it's going to be about 'SOMETHING' not about bullshit for self satisfaction.. That doesn't work here.. They can listen or suffer the consequences later in the big bad world.. They won't like it.. Take Care, Donna....

[UncoolMom.com]

Your situation sounds similar to ours, only flipped-- I have two teen daughters four years apart and it's the 17-year-old who sounds just like your 13-year-old. Ours would argue with a brick wall as well. Apparently, there are a LOT of kids out there who would.  We've stood our ground on things, but I don't think it's ever been hard enough for someone like her. For example, in the past, we've taken her phone away as a consequence for bad behavior, but DH will let her earn it back way too soon, or I will cave in and let her "use it in my presence" to make a needed text or call.  Now that she's this old and we haven't seen improvement in this "I can do anything" attitude, we are getting tougher. Now it's not just, "We'll only wake you up once in the morning" it's "We're not waking you up at all."  Now it's not just cell phone taken away, the phone service is cut off. No sympathy-- she chose to get herself in the situation, and she can use the land line if she needs to talk to someone.  And I am slowly seeing changes in her behavior. I think it's going to be one step forward and two steps back, she might comply one day and remember how badly she wants her phone the next day and get angry, but we are standing our ground and hoping that in a few months we can really see a difference. We really don't want to kick her out or send her away but therapist says that sometimes that's the only thing that can turn around these kinds of stubborn kids. Sometimes I think these kids are crying out for us to be as tough as possible, that their behavior gets worse when they see us being wimps and they want a line drawn that FINALLY they can't cross...so I'm hanging in there.  I'm thinking there needs to be a support group/chat group here on Cafe Mom just for parents of defiant teens-- I think there would be a lot of participants.  It's such a hard job and we need all the encouragement we can get! Hang in there!!!!

[MNHockeyMama]

All I can say is, "I feel your pain."