Had to call Sheriff on my 15 yo!!

[Pherawyn]

Hello!
I have a 15yo DD who is basically driving me to the looney bin! I'm out of ideas and I was hoping someone on here may have some...plus I just needed to vent.

My DH and I have been dealing with my oldest's antics now since she was 10. She has been on a bunch of different meds and to about 5 different therapists in the last 5 years. She has been diagnosed with ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and Depression.

I should mention her dad travels for his job, I work full time, go to school online full time, and have 2 other children ages 9 and 2. I'm worried about how my other 2 kids are affected by the constant tension in our home because of my oldest. Her behavior has just seemed to escalate since this last round of new meds. Part of it is probably because I have to fight with her every day to even take them!

My DH and I have been married for 17 years, and thankfully throughout all of this turmoil out relationship is still as strong as ever. We lean on and support each other through the tough times. I know there are a lot of single Moms out there, and to be honest, I don't know how you guys do it! I've got the job by myself when DH travels, and it's so hard!

My oldest is defiant in every aspect. She refuses to do homework so her grades reflect her unwillingness to put forth any type of effort. We have had to go so far as to put a knob on our bedroom door that needs a key to be opened. A while back she snuck into our bedroom and stole my Xanax and took cigarettes. We tried just locking the regular doorknob, she picked it open with a screw driver. Then had my 9 yo intimidated into lieing for her when we confronted her about it.

Basically, it is a battle with her nonstop from the time she wakes in the am til she goes to bed in the pm. She is belligerent and talks to us like we are garbage. So much do that my 2 yo is starting to model her behavior!

As I mentioned, we have had her to therapy since she was 10. These are mental health professionals who told me what my daughter had. I as a mom who is doings best to help my child have devoured articles, books, etc; anything and everything I could get for information and strategies for dealing with and helping her! Anything I have read warns that kids with ODD are manipulative, blame others for their shortcomings, lie, are abusive verbally and sometimes physically to parents and siblings--and this is just for starters. I have spent countless hours of sick and vacation time off of work to take my daughter to her counseling appts only to have to sit and tell someone who should already be aware of these issues that the things my daughter has told them are twisted versions of the truth, slanted to make it seem as though her parents are rigid perfectionists who never give her a break.

She refuses to take her meds...I have to fight with her to get her to take them. This last time her dad was out of town, she was just hell on wheels. To put things into perspective here, she's toured the juvenile detention facility and has talked to several law enforcement people, and her grandfather (my dad) lives 100 ft away next door; who just so happens to be a retired police officer. She started fighting with me over the time her little brother was supposed to get a shower and it progressed to dishes. She's been doing the dishes for the last 5 yrs. she knows how they are to be done,but yet we have the same discussion every night about it. The same goes for any other chores as well. Her bedroom looked like an episode of Hoarders until I went up there with garbage bags and hauled it out!

Anyway, this particular evening, she was out for blood. I'm still sporting bruises from her. The argument over the dishes escalated to the point I sent her younger brother and sister out of the room. I knew it was getting out of hand. I finally told her several times to go her room. She said no. I told her even more loudly and firmly to go to her room. She got about an inch from my face and said, "Or What???" I responded, "or I'll assist you to your room." She continued to challenge me until things escalated to the point that I had grabbed her by her hair, she had bruised my arm and I called the sheriff. I called them to intervene because I honestly did not know what else was going to happen. My other 2 kids had come into the room and my 2yo was crying. My 15 yo looked and me and said, "See what you did?"

I feel as if I'm in a hopeless situation with no way out. There are no support groups in my area and obviously getting counseling for my daughter has gotten me nowhere and I feel I'm back at square one. My BP was 155/110 last time I went to the doc, and he told me I could have had a stroke.

As a last ditch effort I have contacted a family therapist and my DH and I meet her alone this week. I've contacted her school, and they are trying to get her yet another counselor through the school district.

What do you do when you love your child but cannot stand to be around her? I find myself dilly dallying at work because I dread the chaos! I feel so alone.

Sorry this is so long. Those that take the time to read my post and respond, thank you ever so much from a mom at her wits end!!

[bizzeemom2717]

Wow, I'm so sorry! The entire time I was reading I was thinking I hope this poor woman is seeking help for herself and was glad to see with your high bp, you and DH are getting some help for yourselves. I think you absolutely did the right thing in calling the cops, your DD was able to find out what "or what?" meant! When she says look what you did, she needs to stop blame shifting and take some accountability for her actions-unfortunately sounds like with her mental health issues that would be tough.

[momofne]

I am so sorry. Having dealt with an unruly boy without his father around I can totally sympathize. What did the sheriff say when he came?

[jackieb2811]

As a teen that grew up being rasied by her dad and sometimes grandparents I can only pray for her and you that she will grow out of this behavior. I did. I am now 25 with twin boys and I fear that they will end up in the wrong crowd and /or act like that one day! Mine are only 4 right now.

My dad will tell you I was horrid I spent 2 seperate occasions in juve I did rehab community service, probation, and countless other programs before I graduated high school. It was a struggle yes  and it took a lot for me to cut the bad people out of my life and I know in time she will too. I had many physical altercations with my oldest sister and even my dad. I hurt my family a lot and I am not proud looking back on those days.

I was never said to have had any conditions psychologically or anything and a lot of times I think doctors will say a kid has something just to put them on meds to hush parents. It is not effective it can lead to further issues like drug abuse. I also did my fair share of illegal drugs and I hate myself for that.

She needs someone who has been in her shoes to tell her what she is doing to herself and her family but at that age no one could tell me anything different and I did not believe a word of it. But teens are so dramatic and hormonal they think they are invisible but it takes a major wake up call for them before they can make changes.

I say send her to juvenile detention or have the police take her to jail for a few days. She needs more help it sounds like and it is far beyond anything you can do right now. She seems like she just doesnt feel like she has anyone with dad always gone and you so busy and that is not your faults you are only trying to make things better in life and one day she WILL see that.

[tyfry7496]

You did exactly what you should have. It's called tough love and sometimes it's the ONLY way to get the help she needs. My friend deals with 2 kids like this. Often times, the police are the ones that calm the kids down. I've seen them in action and have had to call the police on my friends daughter. It wasn't easy but she got help.

Hang in there, you have 2 other kids to think about and are doing the best you can.

[jordiegirl]

Good job doing all that you are doing do far, it is a lot! I would like to suggest that you and your daughter at least once a month try to do something together that you both like. I feel that when she is being her most difficult you will have some good times to look back at. I know it's not much but it might help you in the long run. Dad can take a turn too!

[Not_A_Native]

So what did they do?  Here, you probably both would have been taken in.

[Wyndi]

 Here you can go to the courts and file unruly charges against your teen. A judge will then assign the teen to a probationary officer, with whom they report to. If grades fall below an accepted grade they (the teen) go to a special school held at the local jail and ran by the sherrifs deputies. They fight with you, you call the police and tenn goes to jail. This makes the teen in most cases start behaving better.

[kitlynn18]

i feel for u :( 

Quoting jackieb2811:

As a teen that grew up being rasied by her dad and sometimes grandparents I can only pray for her and you that she will grow out of this behavior. I did. I am now 25 with twin boys and I fear that they will end up in the wrong crowd and /or act like that one day! Mine are only 4 right now.

My dad will tell you I was horrid I spent 2 seperate occasions in juve I did rehab community service, probation, and countless other programs before I graduated high school. It was a struggle yes  and it took a lot for me to cut the bad people out of my life and I know in time she will too. I had many physical altercations with my oldest sister and even my dad. I hurt my family a lot and I am not proud looking back on those days.

I was never said to have had any conditions psychologically or anything and a lot of times I think doctors will say a kid has something just to put them on meds to hush parents. It is not effective it can lead to further issues like drug abuse. I also did my fair share of illegal drugs and I hate myself for that.

She needs someone who has been in her shoes to tell her what she is doing to herself and her family but at that age no one could tell me anything different and I did not believe a word of it. But teens are so dramatic and hormonal they think they are invisible but it takes a major wake up call for them before they can make changes.

I say send her to juvenile detention or have the police take her to jail for a few days. She needs more help it sounds like and it is far beyond anything you can do right now. She seems like she just doesnt feel like she has anyone with dad always gone and you so busy and that is not your faults you are only trying to make things better in life and one day she WILL see that.

[boys2men2soon]

Wow!  I am so sorry you are dealing with this.   You sure have a lot on your plate.  I don't know how you do it!   It doesn't sound like the counseling is helping your daughter much.   Maybe you should consider another option, like a group home for troubled teens?   Your health is at risk, you have two younger children in the home and your daughter may need more help than you can provide.  

[Pherawyn]

Thanks for your response bizzeemom. You are right, it is tough. It's been an uphill battle for the last 5 years! I try to keep the faith, keep my calm, and when able leave the room. You cannot argue with someone who is no longer there. Unfortunately because I have a toddler, when her Dad is gone, I cannot just walk out of the room. 

Quoting bizzeemom2717:

Wow, I'm so sorry! The entire time I was reading I was thinking I hope this poor woman is seeking help for herself and was glad to see with your high bp, you and DH are getting some help for yourselves. I think you absolutely did the right thing in calling the cops, your DD was able to find out what "or what?" meant! When she says look what you did, she needs to stop blame shifting and take some accountability for her actions-unfortunately sounds like with her mental health issues that would be tough.