23 y/o Mom with Troubled Teen

[AvonSuperMommy]

Our background: We're a (usually) happy family of 5. We added my now 14 year old brother to our family two years ago. CPS intervened due to abuse and neglect from our mother then after she refused to co-operate with CPS my brother, Justin, was placed in my foster care. Shortly after, he started attending school again and picked up all of his failing grades. Even happily doing chores! Everything was perfect!

Going downhill: Things really started to take a turn for the worst in September when Justin started his first year of high school. He started to date another classmate. Of course two weeks later there was a devastating break up leaving my brother miserable. My brother still continued communication with her and eventually she told him she had feelings for him (hello teenage drama!).

Crashing and burning: Justin's classmate moved on to other guys while sort of stringing my brother along. Justin was doing anything in his power to convince her that he was the right guy for her. Including pretending to cut himself, lying, not coming home after school, and stealing! Then things got crazy. My brother started skipping classes to see her and refuses to do any school work. And for Valentine's Day I awoke to find Justin coming in the front door after emptying my bank account at a near by ATM and buying snacks for his friends.

Help!: The school counselor told me Justin has a very unhealthy relationship with this girl but didn't really have any advice. Justin is also into his second month of therapy. I've tried to sit down and talk with him about how he should find a girl that likes him for himself. Someone that has similar interests and wouldn't treat him so badly. I even offered an open invitation if he ever wanted to have a girl over or wanted to go on a date. Needless to say there is lots of crying from both of us. I hate to see him so upset. He knows this girl he likes is treating him very, very badly. But he still follows her around like a puppy and I have no ideas how to help with the school situation! What does a parent do when a teen decides they don't want to succeed at school? The school can not babysit him and make sure he goes to every class and does his work. Grounding him doesn't really work because he is willing to give up everything. I even tried taking away his clothes and making him wear a plain polo/khaki pants uniform almost 24/7 and he was fine with it.

I love my brother more than anything and I'm glad he doesn't have to live in such a terrible situation like before. But I'm tired of all the punishments and having to search backpacks and checking accounts. Even when things start to get better and we start to ease up on all the grounding, Justin will take something without asking or fail a new class. And we're back to where we started. I just miss the fun times. I know teens hate to listen to adults and need to find their own way, but a 14 year old drop out is something I can not take.

Anyone have any advice or have had a similar problem? How did you deal?

[boys2men2soon]

I am glad he is getting counseling, I hope it helps.    First and foremost, how does he have access to your bank account?  I would start locking that info.    Is he involved in any extra curricular activities?  If not, I would start there.  He needs a healthy outlet for his focus and energy. 

[momofne]

Well I don't think I have the solution but I'm thinking that he is suffering from a learned behavior. What I mean by this is you said his mother treated him badly so in turn he is looking for love along those same ways. KWIM? IMO he needs alot of positive reinforcements to help his self esteem. Having been in an abusive relationship it takes along time to see you are worth so much more.  Not sure if this helped. {{{HUGS}}}

[AvonSuperMommy]

The counseling took soooo much work for CPS to finally get him to agree to. I'm hoping he listens and maybe learns a bit. Regarding the money, Justin is usually with me when I shop and watches for PINs (what a skill >.<). We've never had a problem with him taking our cards before. I never thought he would turn to that. Especially from his own family. Justin is currently in JROTC at school and he used to spend his mornings and afternoons doing physical training or armed drill or whatever else he could join. But apparently girls aren't into that sort of stuff, or so he says...

Quoting boys2men2soon:

I am glad he is getting counseling, I hope it helps.    First and foremost, how does he have access to your bank account?  I would start locking that info.    Is he involved in any extra curricular activities?  If not, I would start there.  He needs a healthy outlet for his focus and energy. 

[bizzeemom2717]

First off (((hugs))) to you, he is sure lucky and will realize one day how LUCKY he is to have a sister like you. I agree with pp's it sounds like he is repeating negative learned behaviors. I would try and find a positive outlet for his stress (sports, martial arts, ect) and cont to seek advice from his counselor. Hopefully someone here will have more specific advice, wish I knew just what to say. Best wishes to your family.

[AvonSuperMommy]

@momofne Yeah I'm hoping therapy can help him work out some of that stuff. I have no idea how to fix damage like that. He's so used to the pain and suffering and having to act up to get attention. After two years of trying to stay positive and trying to help, all he does is say how much he hates us.

Quoting momofne:

Well I don't think I have the solution but I'm thinking that he is suffering from a learned behavior. What I mean by this is you said his mother treated him badly so in turn he is looking for love along those same ways. KWIM? IMO he needs alot of positive reinforcements to help his self esteem. Having been in an abusive relationship it takes along time to see you are worth so much more.  Not sure if this helped. {{{HUGS}}}

[momofne]

I'm sure he doesn't hate you.

Quoting AvonSuperMommy:

@momofne Yeah I'm hoping therapy can help him work out some of that stuff. I have no idea how to fix damage like that. He's so used to the pain and suffering and having to act up to get attention. After two years of trying to stay positive and trying to help, all he does is say how much he hates us.

Quoting momofne:

Well I don't think I have the solution but I'm thinking that he is suffering from a learned behavior. What I mean by this is you said his mother treated him badly so in turn he is looking for love along those same ways. KWIM? IMO he needs alot of positive reinforcements to help his self esteem. Having been in an abusive relationship it takes along time to see you are worth so much more.  Not sure if this helped. {{{HUGS}}}

[PinkieRed]

Poor kid. I have to wonder how that girl was raised, that she thinks it's OK to treat your brother the way she has. She sounds like a manipulative little brat. Anyway, you sound like a very caring and loving sister, stepping in to raise your brother, especially still being fairly young yourself. Counseling seems like a good place to start. Also, I'm not advocating that he run away from his problems, but maybe it would be better for him to change schools, if that is an option? Do you think he'd do better around a different group of peers? . I wish I had more advice for you. Good luck with whatever you decide

[nishiko]

Good Lord. What a drama. This usually happens with girls. Not unheard of with boys, but not usual. Oh well. I don't mean to be cruel, but boychick needs to man up. There are endless numbers of girls floating around unclaimed. At his age, to be obsessed with one means some adult in his life hasn't explained the rules. The rules are, the flame-du-jour will love you until she/he doesn't. That may be a day, an afternoon or a few months. All the puppies are running around sniffing the other puppies....you get the idea. This is called learning the ropes. The parents who are doing their jobs are explaining this to the adolescent infatuated. The clueless parents are letting their children wander clueless in the hormonal wilderness. Get with it moms, sit down your children and discuss the reality of puppy love as hormonal insanity.  

[Derari]

You need to keep reminding him that you love him, show him that you care, then he will know what it feels like to be loved...

It sounds like you are trying your best, you will have to take this one day at a time. That's how you will get thru the weeks and months.

Are there any support groups for kids in the same boat? Maybe sharing with each other will be beneficial to him...libraries, school, even local police stations can have info for you.

Don't give up, he has been thru a lot...be patient, be loving, keep setting t he expectations and telling him you are there to help.

[kthomasson]

Eh, we went through not same issues but lying, stealing and boy issues with my SD.  Luckily it did not take her long to realize he was a SHIT!   But we grounded her from everything: cell phone, computer, TV, going anywhere with friends, etc.  Mainly because it was the second occurrence.  Sometimes you gotta do tough love.  She too had issues from  her mother that we had to work through.  We still have the occasional issue now but nothing like it was.  Just stay the course, stay united with what you say to him, and mostly just keep loving him and try to get him involved in other things that have a more positive effect on him and his self image.