Difficult ex not supporting getting counseling for 16 yr old daughter
Hi,
I got divorced over 1 1/2 years ago and have a daughter and son and share custody with my ex 50/50. I have been trying to get my daughter (age 16) into counseling as for the past year, she's been very disrespectful to me and rude ever since I decided to start dating someone. She's had other anger issues at times for years but this seemed to be the straw that broke the camel's back. I did not start dating until 6 months after the divorce was final and did not do this during the weeks they were with me (the kids alternate between our homes on a weekly basis). I was only starting to date while they were with their dad. At any rate, my dd used to always send me texts and so on while she was with her dad because she didn't want to spend so much time with him. One of those days, I was on a date and she kept texting me and asking where I was and finally called me and I blurted out that I was on a date. She went ballistic and ever since then, we've had a terrible relationship. She is constantly rude and even slapped me in the face when I tried to take her texting away as discipline. She would try to say to me "I'll be good if you stop dating." I will NOT allow her to control me like that....I spent too many years being controlled by her dad. I haven't even introduced the kids to this man yet, even though we've now been dating for almost a year, and he is wonderful. There are many stories on how she's acted at my home this last year...thank goodness it hasnt extended into school or anything else...she is a great student and does not get into any trouble. I brought her to the physician because she had lost quite a bit of weight recently too. She was under a lot of pressure at school last tri as she was in very difficult classes. The MD also recommended counseling. I made an appt and my dd was very defiant saying she wouldnt go and so on. I got NO support from my ex even though the MD recommended it and I let him know that and some of the things she's been doing at my house. He still wouldnt assist me in getting her agree to go. I did manage to get her to the first session which was a miracle. The therapist wants her to come back but he's still not supporting me and dd keeps telling me that she isn't going back and if I try to make her go back, she'll move in permanently with her dad and she'll never speak to me again. When we were going thru the divorce process, she had trouble accepting it at first and I tried to get her into counseling at that time to help her cope and he refused to let her go....i ended up having to cancel the appts. Now he's again not supporting her going and I don't think I'm going to get it either. I am SO frustrated and stressed by her actions, her defiance against going to counseling or improving her behavior, and by his seeming lack of concern for her mental health. Has anyone else had to deal with this kind of stuff....difficulties in getting a kid to counseling? Have you had to introduce a new special someone to your kids after you started dating again after your divorce? Thanks.
You won't like what I have to say..IMO dating 6 months after a divorce was too soon. Maybe not for you but at least for her. It's taken my youngest (18) almost 2 years to finally start accepting the divorce. He did go for counseling which helped alot. Sorry your ex is not on the same page as you. It could be he is having a hard time with you dating also and is reflecting that on his feelings for her to go. As far as her threats to live with her father, my oldest did that also while I was seperated and he did move in with his dad but that lasted about a week. Found out he'd much rather live with me. : ) I don't think you need your exs permission to have her go see someone considering it's for her well being. Maybe you could call the courts office and ask. Best of luck. Keep us posted {{{HUGS}}}
No, your daughter cannot control you. No way. I would get her counseling. Your ex shouldn't have to approve of your getting her help. At 16 can she go live with your ex legally anyway??? The courts decide, not your dd.
At 16 the courts may decide to let her made the decision for herself. At this point, does she know you are still dating the guy? I understand where you are both coming from but at the point she slapped you I would have done something. Well maybe not, I wasn't there. I tried to take my 15yr old to counseling to discuss a bunch of things and it turned out the boy was in there discussing books, not issues! They talked about everything but issues. This went on for a while so I quit taking them. The counselor told me that he didn't want to talk about issues so they talked about other things and he was going to wait for him to discuss it. Yeah, introverts usually bring up sensitive subjects.
Thanks so much for the input. I don't think my ex knows I am dating anyone. His anger at me truly has seemed to center on his not wanting to split assets evenly. He was very difficult about that during the divorce process and I made a good income so it wasn't like everything was all earned by him....it was pretty even all around. He's still bitter about splitting things in half (kept calling me a thief during the divorce process in front of the kids, flipped me off in front of my son, and so on). He was controlling and verbally/mentally abusive towards me and I see my daughter (as do my family members) heading down that same path. I feel like he's still trying to maintain some control over me by not agreeing to have her go to counseling. I feel like he's still taking anger out at me at her expense. Also, believe me, I have kicked myself so many times for blurting out that I was on a date. I had not been purposefully "looking for love" but during the first 6 months after my divorce, I attended different group type functions and went out with old friends (all while my kids were with their dad for the week). Some of these functions were gathering of old high school classmates. I ended up getting reacquainted with a great guy I had dated some in high school and after seeing each other at various group activities and participating in a mutual sporting event (we both were in a race), we just kept talking more and more, realized there was mutual attraction, and eventually started doing a couple of lunches or casual dinners out (only while the kids were with their dad). It was on one of these casual dinners that I blurted that out. We've now been dating for about a year ...taking it slow at first and just letting things evolve. He's been wonderful and I'm looking forward to him meeting my kids, but with the tension between my daughter and I, I haven't introduced him to either kid. Luckily, my son treats me well and we get along great. I have a hard time standing up for myself to my daugher (too many years of being a doormat to my ex ) but am working on being stronger against her crap.
What her control is telling you is that she is not ready for you to be in a realtionship. She is screaming for help and feels as if mom is ignoring her plea's for help by continuing to date when mom know how much it is hurting her DD. Is this man really worth risking your relationship with your daughter?
It doesn't matter who is right or wrong, what matters is that your DD is not emotionaly ready to accept her mom dating. Yes counseling would be great, but why would she go to counseling if mom isn't willing to give anything in return. It is a lot to ask of you, but if this man is such a great find he would understand that a little break may be in order until you and your DD can work things out.
Is there something she want's, something she has been wanting, but right now can not have? If so use that to your advantage. If she wan'ts whatever it is the she has to attend X amount of counseling sessions. Bribe her, bribery does have a time and a place.
Now for me, no man is worth my children.
Some children never accept a parent dating or remarrying. I know plenty of adult children that treat their parent like shit when they date again and this is when they are adults when their parent dies or divorces. Its been 1 1/2 years? How long does a Mom wait or let their child dictate their adult activities?
FYI, My Dad died when i was in my low twenties. I was SO happy when my Mom remarried and she never planned on doing it. My stepdad came into her life about 6 months after my Dad died. She refused him for a while but he persisted until they agreed to see each other a couple months later. He knew she was for him and he was right. I couldn't have been happier for my Mom. I do have friends who's parents died when they were older than me even and they treated their parents new spouse like shit.
I feel that counseling only works if you let it. If she doesn't want it, it won't help. I would set the boundaries. When she is with you, take her phone and other priveledges for being disrespectful. If she is legally able to choose to live with her Dad, then that is her choice.
She is manipulating you and playing her parents against one another. Her Dad is supporting her behavior. There is not much you can do about it, except try to get full custody.
Thank you for the input everyone. Part of my problem is that I have a difficult time trying to discipline her...she knows how to play me and I just can't seem to do a good job of being the disciplinarian when she does bad stuff at my house. I had tried to take away her texting after she continued to be rude (she's also very mean to her brother at times). She twisted and pinched my arm and threw food on the floor. Another time when I tried to take away the texting as punishment, she demanded I give it back and when I said no, she slapped me in the face. I told her if she ever touched me like that again, I would contact the lawyers and she could spend more time with her dad. She has not done anything physical like that since that episode which was over 6 months ago. She has had big outbursts at times - even before the divorce process started and often acted in an immature fashion. I believe (and so do my other family members) that she was hurting well before the divorce process started. I just remember many different things like her saying to me (after her dad left town to go fishing) "oh, I am so much more relaxed when Dad is not around." Our household was filled with arguments between my ex and I and many tense situations and I felt good to finally end the bad relationship and not keep having my kids think that this is what a normal marriage should be like.
My efforts might sound lame in taking away texting ...I do not do well with confrontations. I should take away her iPod or other things but I have a hard time of actually doing it because of her reaction when I say I'll do it. Now that she's driving, I am using taking away driving privileges as a threat. I still take a lot of verbal abuse from her that I need to address better ..I'm trying to be stronger about that and take away more privileges when she does that. My friend keeps telling me I need to "grow a pair" and she is right. I do think though that the replies are right that if she doesnt want/agree to go to counseling and I just try to "force" her, it will not do any good. I didn't think it would be so difficult to get her to agree to counseling and I did not think that my ex would object to it again when the MD recommended it to me but I was so wrong.
You shouldn't be taking abuse from your daughter. She needs discipline. She knows you are a push over and you won't discipline her so she can get away with whatever.
Quoting dopey99:Thank you for the input everyone. Part of my problem is that I have a difficult time trying to discipline her...she knows how to play me and I just can't seem to do a good job of being the disciplinarian when she does bad stuff at my house. I had tried to take away her texting after she continued to be rude (she's also very mean to her brother at times). She twisted and pinched my arm and threw food on the floor. Another time when I tried to take away the texting as punishment, she demanded I give it back and when I said no, she slapped me in the face. I told her if she ever touched me like that again, I would contact the lawyers and she could spend more time with her dad. She has not done anything physical like that since that episode which was over 6 months ago. She has had big outbursts at times - even before the divorce process started and often acted in an immature fashion. I believe (and so do my other family members) that she was hurting well before the divorce process started. I just remember many different things like her saying to me (after her dad left town to go fishing) "oh, I am so much more relaxed when Dad is not around." Our household was filled with arguments between my ex and I and many tense situations and I felt good to finally end the bad relationship and not keep having my kids think that this is what a normal marriage should be like.
My efforts might sound lame in taking away texting ...I do not do well with confrontations. I should take away her iPod or other things but I have a hard time of actually doing it because of her reaction when I say I'll do it. Now that she's driving, I am using taking away driving privileges as a threat. I still take a lot of verbal abuse from her that I need to address better ..I'm trying to be stronger about that and take away more privileges when she does that. My friend keeps telling me I need to "grow a pair" and she is right. I do think though that the replies are right that if she doesnt want/agree to go to counseling and I just try to "force" her, it will not do any good. I didn't think it would be so difficult to get her to agree to counseling and I did not think that my ex would object to it again when the MD recommended it to me but I was so wrong.
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Adult children are completely different from a 16 year old hormanal angry teenager. If we were talking about an adult my view point would be completely different.
Quoting atlmom2:Some children never accept a parent dating or remarrying. I know plenty of adult children that treat their parent like shit when they date again and this is when they are adults when their parent dies or divorces. Its been 1 1/2 years? How long does a Mom wait or let their child dictate their adult activities?
FYI, My Dad died when i was in my low twenties. I was SO happy when my Mom remarried and she never planned on doing it. My stepdad came into her life about 6 months after my Dad died. She refused him for a while but he persisted until they agreed to see each other a couple months later. He knew she was for him and he was right. I couldn't have been happier for my Mom. I do have friends who's parents died when they were older than me even and they treated their parents new spouse like shit.
I'm ready to pull the earbuds out of his ears and put them somewhere less comfortable.
- dopey99
on Feb. 17, 2012 at 10:20 AM