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Please help! 18 year old daughter pregnant

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Hi, I am in bad need of some comfort and advice.  Our precious 18 year old daughter informed us last Monday that she's pregnant.  She just found out that day.  She's already 3 months along and didn't know because she was "cycling" her pills to skip three months worth of periods at a time.  She turned 18 in March, so though it doesn't matter, she was still 17 when this happened.  We are crushed and heartbroken.  She is a wonderful person with good values (or so we thought) and was planning to start community college after graduation at the end of May.  She's always talked about wanting a house, nice cars, etc., and how she wasn't having kids because she's not really into them.  Now here we are.  She is insistent on keeping the baby and her boyfriend (who we can't stand simply because he's used her and treated her poorly in the past) seems to be fine with that.  I just NEVER thought this would happen to us, we're upper middle class, she's well put together with people always telling her she should be a model, she loves being with family and has never really caused us any problems (I don't mean to sound snooty by mentioning these things, I just don't understand why this happened).  One thing I can't wrap my head around is why it's happening to us.  It always seems the stereotype for pregnant teens is that they come from divorced or uneducated families, etc.; none of which is true here.  We are devastated and our initial reaction was not good at all.  I've been trying to really calm down with each day and be there for her instead of thinking of my own feelings, but I have sobbing breakdowns multiple times a day.  This is not what we wanted for her and sadly, a part of our anger and emotions come from thinking about what we've lost with her.  We've been a close family and she told us she was going to live at home for 2 more years (before this).  I've always been anxious and depressed about her growing up and not living with us anymore, but had just finally relaxed and let it go because I thought "oh two more Christmases, two more summer vacations, two years!".  Now I'm on the verge of panic because realistically she probably won't stay at home once the baby's here and will probably move out before.  I worry about this Christmas, our summer vacation we were supposed to take, etc. My mind's just racing with sad thoughts and dwelling on how we will never have this time with our daughter again.  She and I use to have so much fun together just being crazy and I'm grieving that it's all gone now.  I also find myself dwelling on the fact that she is now not going to be getting all those nice material things she talked about soon (I know that's silly but ...).  I feel so bad for her that she's changed her path and I don't know how to get past that.  She's not happy about it and is angry that she let it happen, but she is determined to keep it.  I'm looking for advice on trying to let my feelings and sorrow go so that we can once again enjoy eachother and maybe even reassurance from others with experience that our life together is not ending and we will still be able to do these things; hopefully I'm over-reacting.  Thank you so much for any help.  I'm desparate and tired of bauling all day!

by on Apr. 11, 2012 at 3:29 PM
Replies (31-40):
kitflame
by on Apr. 12, 2012 at 11:05 AM
1 mom liked this
I think you should go talk your feelings out with a therapist ...they are marvellous at letting you see everyones point of view and feelings and how to deal with a difficult situation in a positive useful way. Its not a sign of weakness it s helpful to have a detached opinion.....good luck
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MB13
by on Apr. 12, 2012 at 11:10 AM
1 mom liked this

My 19 year old daughter is expecting in 2 weeks.  I also went through the range of emotions at first, but realized that if I turned against her, I would lose her and my grandchild forever.  We encouraged her to stay in school and continue on her path.  We also told her to take her time deciding about marriage.   We didn't want her to feel like she needed to rush into a marriage just because she was pregnant.  After 6 months, of talking, planning, etc., she decided she wanted to be married and they got married last week.  She has a plan to continue with her schooling, and also her job.  It has been a crazy time, but today she is sitting in my living room talking to me like an adult even though she has moved out.  I actually see her more, and have a better relationship with her.  There will be a lot of teaching moments to come over the years!  We can be angry and bitter, or we can embrace our new life!

Mommy4000
by Member on Apr. 12, 2012 at 11:12 AM

I feel for you. My husband and I are going through the same thing with his 16 year old. We expected great things from her, we thought we did everything we could to prevent it from happening. Sometimes, no matter how great you raise your kids, these things happen. The only thing you can do is support her. She's an adult and she, well as the saying goes, made her bed. I spent the last 7 months being angry, resentful, sad. In the end, all you can really do is allow yourself to overlook what she's missing, and focus on the positive. It's a life, it's precious and you have to just embrace being a grandmother, being a support for your daughter's new motherhood.

Trae36
by on Apr. 12, 2012 at 11:16 AM
3 moms liked this

Mom you have to take a deep breath and relax and though she has just made her life 10x harder it is not the end of the world. I had my oldest daguhter 5 days before my 18th b-day and I know my parents felt the same way. I came from an upper middle class family as well, took the family vacations, and never wanted for anything but at the end of the day none of that mattered because I didn't put to use everything I was taught when I made the decision to lay down and have sex. I did move out with my daughter, got an apartment, and worked two jobs. I did that for two years before I decided to go into the military so that my child could have the life that she deserved because she didn't ask to be here. All you can do at this point is support her in her decision to have the baby and when I say support I mean emotionally and mentally because if you try to "fix" this for her and step in and raise the baby then what has she truly learned by this experience and what keeps it from happening again. Your daughter is a statistic but that does not mean that she can't make something of herself and still be successful. I'm a living witness. I have my MBA a good job, and great salary, three other daughters and an amazing husband who stepped in and raised my oldest beginning at the age of three. You may not see the light at the end of the tunnel yet but you will. Hang in there and good luck.....hugging

mcbrgh
by on Apr. 12, 2012 at 11:32 AM
1 mom liked this

I didn't even read you're entire post because I couldn't believe some of the things that you are saying. You're daughter is a good person with good values who got caught in a bad situation. Why did this happen to you? Seriously, quite thinking about yourself and think about what your daughter is going through. I had my son at 17 (as a junior) so I know she is scared to death and needs support from her family. She can still go to college even if she's pregnant. FYI, I finished high school, went to college and grad school. I have all the nice things that anyone could want. Best of all I have an amazing child who was with me along the way. Sounds like you need to grown up. Pregnant teens come from all walks of life. Your daughter sounds like she has a very level head on her shoulders and will be able to handle this situation.

Carmen66
by Member on Apr. 12, 2012 at 12:00 PM
whats done its done their is no going back. i know my daughter was 19 when she had my first grandchild. you cant beat yourself over this because you have provided her with what she needed. you gave her motherly advice, love and security. We as parents think we have failed, but how can we if we did our job, now its time for her to grow up. She can still go to college, get a job and do what she has too. Its gonna take time and you will be hurting, but time will heal all wounds and things will get better. Stay on top of her to stay in school and become the wonderful woman and mother that you created her to be. Good luck and god will bless your family trust me. My daughter will be 27 has 3 kids now and is doing a great job. Keep us posted and remember its ok to be mad, sad, dissapointed, and angry at the world right now. PS let her also know this is your baby your responsibility.
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TheAmy
by on Apr. 12, 2012 at 12:08 PM

This is very well said and I just want to add that the MOST important thing in all this is that precious baby... your grandchild!  I think and hope that your attitude will change the moment you look at and hold him or her and realize that you and your daughter need to do whatever you have to to make sure that he or she is protected and loved, as he or she is innocent in all of this.  Even though it is not in your timing, love and enjoy your new grandchild! 


 

Quoting FindersKeepers:

Ok... this is going to feel a little harsh but it is tough love time. 

You need to calm down.   You are making a very difficult time for your daughter about you.   Yes you are upset and you will need time to grieve... but now is not that time.   Right now... you need to support your daughter and let her know that you love her, you are there for her and assure her that she is going to be okay.  

Be greatful that she is alive, healthy, honest with you and willing to take on a baby even if wasn't part of her plan.   She still has her whole life ahead of her and she will still be able to live her dreams... they will just look a little different now.   If you can support her now, you won't lose her.   If you continue to wallow in self-pity and disappointment you will... she would have to move away from you for her own health and sanity (and the baby's).

So the part where you get to grieve.... It is okay to be sad over the loss of a dream... You need to realize that is all you lost... your dream for your daughter.... take some time alone (where your DD can't see you).... and scream, cry, curse... whatever you need to do to purge yourself of this loss.... ONCE... then you need to move on... and get ready to be a loving a supportive grandma. 


Clarkwife
by on Apr. 12, 2012 at 12:17 PM
I understand being upset. I have a sixteen year old dd and I would be upset too. This situation puts your dd in a position of adult responsibility where she will have some tough choices to make. Your choice to support and encourage her will increase her chances of making good choices.
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sadmom323
by on Apr. 12, 2012 at 12:50 PM
2 moms liked this

I came on this site for support and advice from people who've "been there, done that."  To those who have offered just that I want to say THANK YOU:)  It's helping me to come around and realize I'm not the only parent this has happened to and she's not the only girl it's happened to.  I did not come on here for sarcasm.  I do NOT think this only happens to divorced, uneducated families or lower class families.  I do not think my family is better than someone elses.  I was crying when I wrote my post so things didn't come out perfect and I left some things out.  I meant that I don't understand why it's happening to us meaning I keep wondering where we went wrong, what we did to deserve this, etc.--natural feelings I think most people have when they receive news they perceive as devastating at the moment.  What I meant by describing our family is that in my mind I keep thinking, again, "where did we go wrong, we provided her with everything she could need and want, she's go so much going for her, she's never given us trouble; why this"  Those are thoughts that race through my mind and I came on here for support and hopefully for people to let me know that they too have thought all of those things and blamed themselves--that it's natural, but it will get better and it's not really our fault.  Again, thank you to the people who have realized that I'm just shocked and really upset right now and didn't mean anything that came across wrong.

mrgetinold
by on Apr. 12, 2012 at 12:52 PM
1 mom liked this
Yes its hard to have your family all planned out and then the teen comes home and throws a wrench in them, do u have a family member, church pal, friend to talk this through and who can support you? Maybe u cantalk it through with this friend and they can help you set up what u can manage step wise to help your family parton the pun baby steps first, had your dd seen a ob/gyn yet? Maybe that would be step one,then after that see what step two leads u, havebeen through this with two of my sisters ( several times they were teen moms) and i saw what it did to my mom, also have nieces that took this path, just be there for your dd even though the path she is choosing isnt what u would have wanted her to pick,soon she will be a mom and she will see the hard choice there is with that and have a renewed look at what u have done for her, meanwhile you will be a gma and can spoil the baby and hand it back for your dd to deal with! I feel for you now and hope things work out for your family, take care and hugs
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