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Does this break the rule?

Posted by on Apr. 20, 2012 at 7:38 PM
  • 24 Replies

We have a rule of no dating till 16. My 14 y/o 8th grader wants to date this nice 14 y/o neighborhood boy she goes to school with. By dating, she means, spend time with, short kisses. I said 'you can do what you've been doing - hanging out occasionally with mixed groups of girls and guys, no 1 on 1 time with him, no kissing, and the difference from before is that you both know you like each other."

She said ok, and then the next day admitted that they did give each other a quick peck on the lips when they said goodbye at the neighborhood collection of shops where they were spending a couple hours after school with some others.

Maybe I need to also say that only a couple days a week she can hang with him with others? Other limits I should put on this?

It's not really dating, yet it's skirting the edges. And she's only 14. On the other hand, she's a straight A, responsible, compliant child, and he's a good kid too, from a good family, their family also says no alone time, although their stipulations are only alone in a house, and they allowed him to start 'dating' in 7th grade. 7th grade! Some of the nicest families were letting their kids start this in 7th grade.

 I'm not sure this is germane but he's good looking enough to make me a little silly.

Aargh. She's altogether too pretty. This is going to be a problem, not just with this fellow, but when she starts a different high school next year. . 16 feels like a century from now. What should I do?

by on Apr. 20, 2012 at 7:38 PM
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by on Apr. 20, 2012 at 7:40 PM

 Stand firm to your rules and be vigilant. Teens need tons of guidance and rules.

by on Apr. 20, 2012 at 7:42 PM

So - what does stick to your rules mean? She can't hang out with him with others?

by on Apr. 20, 2012 at 7:43 PM
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I'm not sure what her grades or being from a good family has to do with anything. If you said no dating and no BF till 16 then either stand by that or don't. To me what she is doing is dating, group dating doesn't prohibit her from finding some time to be alone with this young man.

Remember children from good families can still find themselves in positions they just aren't mature enough to deal with.

by on Apr. 20, 2012 at 7:56 PM

Ok. I'm good with this. So - I say - "nope, no dating.  That means what I said before - no holding hands, no kissing, no alone time, but also - you make plans to be with your girlfriends. No communications with him as to where you will meet up with him with others."

Yes? She's a good kid, I don't want to clamp down too restrictively, yet this edging into this at 14 is making me uncomfortable.

The good family thing basically means they are college bound kids, in the challenge level classes, in sports and other activities after school, got lots of homework and other things to do with their time, and are fairly closely monitored by their parents. My kid's pretty innocent and has a short leash, and so's this boy. I'd be very quick to say no if the boy wasn't in challenge classes, heading for college, from a family that closely monitors.

But she still is starting this behavior, even as mild as it is, too early. 14. 8th grade. No!

by on Apr. 20, 2012 at 8:00 PM

I don't know, what are your rules?  If you don't know what they are, then she is probably getting mixed messages.

Quoting annie2244:

So - what does stick to your rules mean? She can't hang out with him with others?

by on Apr. 20, 2012 at 8:18 PM
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Fourteen year olds are going to be interested in the opposite sex.  Stealing a quick kiss is probably not a huge deal.  They will see each other at school and in the neighborhood, so you can not ban her from seeing him, and if you try to, they are likely to lie and sneak around.  I would just try to make sure that their "hanging out" time is in groups and not alone.  It does not make any difference how nice the families are, or how good of grades they have, hormones are there.  Continue to communicate with the parents and make sure that when she is out, that the boy's parents are aware and you are both on the same page.

by Silver Member on Apr. 20, 2012 at 8:24 PM
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When I was 14 and my mom said no it just made it so I had to sneak around. I would let her be nwith him. Have him over for dinner. Let them hang out and watch a movie. I think you are better off educating her than telling her no.
by on Apr. 20, 2012 at 9:32 PM
If your rule is no dating until 16, then that's it. Stand firm!! I wasn't allowed to date until 16 and neither is my son. I did NOT sneak behind my parents back because I respected my parents and followed their rules. Same with my son.
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by Emily on Apr. 20, 2012 at 10:05 PM

Figure out exactly what your rules are then stick to those.Some times we make rules and realize perhaps they aren't what we really want.

I know I can't keep my children from liking someone so I include them.Then I am in control.We have a huge roller rink that our middle school and 9th graders go to on Fri.It has been the place from before my 27 year old was in middle school.Once you leave there is no re admittance,several cops ,owned by a family now the kids are adults and run it and parents are always welcome free.I would rather know they like someone there than be naive.I or dad have shown up early ,hung around at first and just popped in.There isn't sneaking they are all just there.

by Grumpy on Apr. 20, 2012 at 10:35 PM
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If you put the brakes on this "relationship" it is going to go full blown out as she rebels against you.  She's talking to you, she's admitting things you would not have easily found out on your own.  Have him over for dinner and explain to both of them what the problem is.  That way he is aware of the rules too.

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