Information overload! Not sure how to react?????

[JenniferSq]

Last night I drove my 15 yo DS to the mall with a couple friends. They are nice and respectful boys, but I feel they lack parental supervision and may get themselves into situations or have more grown up responsibilities then most kids their age. Last night when I picked them up from the party the one boy had obviously been smoking, but the boy and my son denied it. After I dropped this kid off and questioned my son he admitted that his friend was smoking and that he had taken a drag off a cigarette. He, my DS, did not smell like smoke. I didn't react strongly like I usually do and shockingly my son opened up to me like he never has before. He talked to me about girls he has liked, about ther girl who broke his heart earlier this year. Then he asked me if it is different for a boy or a girl when they loose their viginity. So we talked a little about that, and then he tells me it is too late for him. I wanted to scream WHAT???? But I remained calm. Talked to him some more about it, about being so young, I was just so taken aback I am still in a little shock. My son has never reallh opened up thatcmuch to me before, I seriously wonder in retrospect if he had been drinking. I will be talking to him again today.

[annie2244]

Could you decrease opportunity: his free time (harder classes so more homework, homework hours expectations, number of extracurriculars, family dinners, family movie and game night, family adventures), ramp up the supervision both when he's home and at someone else's home (call the parents of the kids whose houses he hangs at. If you aren't hearing close supervision and similar rules, no hanging there),  ramp up the expectations of time at home with and without friends,

and decrease desire: really ramp up the frequency, length and range of fact based content of future-oriented vision stuff  (careers, cost of adult life, college options) and activity he's gonna be exposed to (drinking, weed, other drugs, sex, petty crime) that he knows the fall-out that ensues to his future and how to avoid it? I'd also tell him over and over, who you hang with influences your thinking and behavior. You can be friendly with everyone, but choose to hang with those who bring you closer to your goals, not endanger them. You can slowly edge away from a group you no longer feel kinship with in a way that doesn't piss them off as you edge into a group that is better suited to the you you want to be. He may not heed any of your talk immediately. But it does sink in, make him reflect, does modify behavior eventually. As long as it's given in the spirit of he chooses his future, you're there feeding him facts and offering him visions of better options now and in the future, with some values thrown in so he can mull them as well and assess his own nascent, forming view of who he is and what his values are.

Is his summer pretty fully booked? Not day after day of no scheduled activity? Get a job bagging groceries/bussing tables, volunteer gigs, y camp with a scholarship, etc.  I'd fill his afternoons, as mornings are often spent sleeping, hard to get into trouble there, but most afternoons, and some evenings I'd fill. The other evenings I'd make sure I was comfortable with the plans each eve.  And make privileges contigent on these activities being attended.  And if he refused, I'd tell him you'll be hiring a college kid from noon to 5 daily, and his allowance will be applied toward the expense.

[fantasticfour]

Wow.

[luckysevenwow]

I bet that was a shock, but he talked with you. That's huge and I think you handled it well. I know there have been times were my eye's wanted to bug out of my head when it came to my teens but listening has always helped keep communication open with them. I give my opinion, figure out how to deal with what they said in a way that they don;t really notice and hope everything I have taught them sticks.

[MrsP23]

That whole post scares the crap out of me!!!  My 13 year old has just started having nearly unsupervised times with his friends, at the ball park and what not.  Every single time he does Im a panicked mess and swear Im just gonna shove him back in his "baby bubble".  He hasn't let me down yet but I dread the day.

If I were in your shoes I know how I would react....Id hit the roof scream and cry and never let him out of my sight again. (is that the best approach..i supposed not-i just know how i am)

Can't give you advice, but Im interested to see how you handle it all and how it pans out. 

GOOD LUCK!

[chloesmommy777]

Great ideas.  We need to expose our children to positive experiences as often as possible. Reminds of the old saying, "If you lay down with dogs, you'll get up with fleas." (no offense to dogs.. lol)

Quoting annie2244:

Could you decrease opportunity: his free time (harder classes so more homework, homework hours expectations, number of extracurriculars, family dinners, family movie and game night, family adventures), ramp up the supervision both when he's home and at someone else's home (call the parents of the kids whose houses he hangs at. If you aren't hearing close supervision and similar rules, no hanging there),  ramp up the expectations of time at home with and without friends,

and decrease desire: really ramp up the frequency, length and range of fact based content of future-oriented vision stuff  (careers, cost of adult life, college options) and activity he's gonna be exposed to (drinking, weed, other drugs, sex, petty crime) that he knows the fall-out that ensues to his future and how to avoid it? I'd also tell him over and over, who you hang with influences your thinking and behavior. You can be friendly with everyone, but choose to hang with those who bring you closer to your goals, not endanger them. You can slowly edge away from a group you no longer feel kinship with in a way that doesn't piss them off as you edge into a group that is better suited to the you you want to be. He may not heed any of your talk immediately. But it does sink in, make him reflect, does modify behavior eventually. As long as it's given in the spirit of he chooses his future, you're there feeding him facts and offering him visions of better options now and in the future, with some values thrown in so he can mull them as well and assess his own nascent, forming view of who he is and what his values are.

Is his summer pretty fully booked? Not day after day of no scheduled activity? Get a job bagging groceries/bussing tables, volunteer gigs, y camp with a scholarship, etc.  I'd fill his afternoons, as mornings are often spent sleeping, hard to get into trouble there, but most afternoons, and some evenings I'd fill. The other evenings I'd make sure I was comfortable with the plans each eve.  And make privileges contigent on these activities being attended.  And if he refused, I'd tell him you'll be hiring a college kid from noon to 5 daily, and his allowance will be applied toward the expense.

[MB13]

Sounds like you did a great job staying calm!  This will definitely help keep the lines of communication open.  That is the most important thing!

[orngblsm]

Good job.  It isn't easy keeping calm when they throw things out like that. 

[PinkieRed]

I agree with the other moms' comments - good advice. I would also make some condoms available to him. If he's asking about sex, chances are he's already done it, or is thinking about doing it soon. Better to give him the means to protect himself, then for him to end up being a teen dad and you a grandma.

[MrsBLB]

I agree with the above replies also.  It's awesome that he opened up to you.

[Lindalou907]

I think you would've smelled it if he'd been drinking. I would also try to keep him very busy with sports and jobs,and make sure he has condoms,talk about the consequences of making babies,not lecturing,but sharing stories about the financial and emotional cost. My husband got his ex pregnant at 16,was pretty much forced to marry her,they divorced 3 years later,he paid child support for 18 years and we're still helping his son out,the kid's a mess from having 3 horrible stepdads.