Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

New here! I have a 13 year old daughter and we recently moved

Posted by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 11:38 AM
  • 14 Replies

We recently moved in with my boyfriend.  He is a great guy and really tries to get along with her.  However, she says she hates the new school the house and everything else about the situation.  I just recently got full custody of her after her Dad decided to become a drunk and drug addict.  We are trying our best to get along all 3 of us.  It's hard though, my daughter can't see her father and doesn't want to but that doesn't mean she is not hurting badly.  Yes she has had counceling.  I just wish she and the boyfriend would stop butting heads over stupid stuff!  I feel caught in the middle and in the end I get the blame from both of them!  Ugh any advise is appreciated.

by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 11:38 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
rkoloms
by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 11:53 AM
1 mom liked this
The three of you would benefit from family counseling, to learn how to get along.
How did your daughter's well-being fit into this decision?
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
atlmom2
by Susie on Apr. 25, 2012 at 11:55 AM

More counseling for all of you.  Everything is different.  She isn't with Dad, the 3 of you are living together.  She moved.  She is 13.  Have family meetings and your own counseling sessions also. 

mango44
by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 12:00 PM

Well, they got along great and I had been alone for 5 years after my 20 year marriage fell apart.  She seemed ok with the decision to move in with him.  I was struggling terribly to keep a roof over our heads and I was always having to work and I never could be there for her.  Now I don't have to work outside the home, I earn money at home.  I can be there for her whenever she is needs me.  I don't think I made the wrong choice, I think that we just all need to work this out and bond.  They do like each other, and often joke around.  Just sometimes she shuts down and goes into her room, but it might be a normal teen thing she is doing do ya think?

atlmom2
by Susie on Apr. 25, 2012 at 12:46 PM

Sounds like she may just be a normal 13 year old when you are saying they do get along most of the time.  No 13 year old will get along with everyone all the time.  Not going to happen. 

10yrsapart9505
by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 1:22 PM
1 mom liked this

Welcome! You'll find some awesome advice and support on this site. 

I think that time is what they both need.  She will butt heads a lot with him in the  beginning.  It's almost like they will both test their boundaries with you and with one another because YOU are the center piece of the family.  It's a hurdle you will have to get through as a family.  I recommend family counseling as well.  That way your daughter has a safe place to vent any frustrations about your bf not being her father and what not.

Good luck!! 

mango44
by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 1:50 PM

Thank you for the advise I'm thinking yes to time also, afterall it takes time to get to know one another.  I don't like being put in the middle though, alot of times I stick up for her and then find out she is lying to me!  Ugh, and then he gets mad cause I didn't take him at his word in the first place.  I try to explain to him why I do it, however he sees it as me underminding him and separating him from the family unit.  Of course I'm new to this and he has been a step parent before so it is hard for me to know what is the right thing to do.

Reina13
by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 1:54 PM

Welcome to the group. Like the moms before me, I think you could all benefit from counceling.

Bertieb
by Bronze Member on Apr. 25, 2012 at 2:38 PM
1 mom liked this

We have a lot in common Mango44!! My daughter was 15 Sunday. I married and we moved in with my husband 8 months ago. I too had been married 20+ years before unexpected divorce. My ex has moved out of state and visits her every 3-4 months for a weekend.  DD seemed fine with the new marriage and move before it happened, but reality can be harder than everyone imagines, right?  She and I both miss our old house, and she doesn't know anyone in our new town, but she gets to go to her old school which isn't too far away so that helps. She spends much time in her room but  we do sit together for supper and try to find things to make her do with us at least once a week.

Time has helped all of us, mostly me accept that a large part of her problem is just teenage hormones and attitudes, and not my fault.  We've found when she is really tired or hungry she is absolutely mean and she admits that as well. Often she doesn't know why she says or does some of the hateful things we get from her.  I was riddled with guilt over whether I made a selfish decision. Just recently I have stopped thinking like that and now am starting to feel more settled, more permanent I guess.  I hope in the long run having a good, stable stepdad, stepfamily, and stepgrandma in her life will give her a greater benefit than living alone with me through the teen years.  If you ever need to talk feel free to send me a message, I feel like I've been through all the things you are probably feeling!

mango44
by on Apr. 25, 2012 at 3:07 PM

Wow we do have alot in common!  You know I realize that she has went through tramatic changes in a short period of time, however, I did what was best for us.  I have no family support and I was at the end of my rope with bills and just trying to be there for her.  It was a blessing that I found such a wonderful man.  I know at times she is pissed off at him.  Mostly when she is disrespectful or pulling some teen manipulating manuver.  Then he calls her out on it, cause me riddled with guilt and feeling sorry for her sometimes, won't correct her when she really needs to be corrected.  Your right I have to stop feeling guilty cause she uses it to get her way often.  And if I was constantly seeing that happening as he does, I would get fed up and step in too!

dobrd
by on Apr. 26, 2012 at 6:23 PM

mango44, To start, you did the best you could w/what you had to do.. They BOTH need to know this.. Any teen is going to be resentful about everything due to a total different area, new town, new situations, school, new people in her life st school.. Alot to ingest.. It's easier to answer her in a calm voice about how it is.. When BF argues w/her, let him know it keeps things in an uproar, which isn't a way to have a new begining.. Teens also take it very hard as for 'starting over' as anyone else in certain situations.. I know, been there.. She should be better after the anxiety wears off.. Take Care, Donna....

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)