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Should my 19 year old son have a curfew?

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I'm in a frustrating dilemma, just wondering what other mom's would do.

I have a 19 (almost 20) year old son who lives at home with me. He goes to a community college FT, and he works part time. He is also a single dad.  My granddaughter lives with me most of the time, we have recently added on two new bedrooms to make room for him and my granddaughter to live here.  He has lived with me all his life, but recently had moved out with his GF who we found being unfaithful to him within 1 week of their getting their own place, and he moved back home.

 

My son has since entered into a relationship with an old highschool friend, and they've been spending a lot of time together.  He is a loving dad, but not always able to see the responsiblitiy in what he needs to do, and so my husband and I often pick up that slack. 

Even though he's working, and going to school, he only makes enough money to put gas in his car and pay his bills for his car and car insurance, so I do not charge him to be here, he cannot afford daycare for the baby, so I AM the daycare 7 days a week while he's at school or work.

When he gets home, he will spend time with the baby and he'll take responsiblity, but often needs to be reminded of the "right way" to put the effort forth, but he does as he's reminded.

My problem is, that on days when the baby goes home to her mom, my son will leave to go be with the new girlfriend and doesn't come home til 3 in the morning.  He will stay out late, and lately has been getting up late for classes or hasn't been getting up at all. He sleeps right through the alarm.  On days when he has the baby, the gf will come over, the baby goes to bed about 8:00 but the gf will stay until 1 or 2am and then he knows we're here and can listen for the baby so he then leaves that late to take the gf home.

I'm exhausted. I've taught him so many good morals and ethics, and when him and his ex-gf got together, everything i worked to teach him, was thrown out the window.  They're no longer together - but he still has this beautiful daughter.  I'm just frustrated cuz i'm thinking........

if he didn't live with me, i wouldn't even know he was doing this or staying out late, but because he moved home, do i have the right to implement a curfew and inforce it and then if so, what the heck to i dish out for reprimand for not sticking to it?

He pays for his own car, his own car insurance, his own gas, and he pays for his own schooling, when do you stop being able to tell them where and when they can or cannot go, and what time is too late or not to be out - at almost 20, should i still be trying to enforce a sense of groundedness - or don't i really have that right anymore? I don't want to be a controlling mom, but i do still have a 16 year old and and 8 year old in the house, plus his 2 year old daughter.

Thanks everyone.

Notime4me247

by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 10:43 AM
Replies (11-20):
luckysevenwow
by Platinum Member on Apr. 30, 2012 at 11:36 AM

I missunderstood and thought that there were days she went to her mom's. Those are days were I wouldn't say anything. Seriously if he is asleep and his DD is awake then I would be sitting his DD on his bed and say "Good morning, ?? is awake. Rise and shine she needs breakfast." and walk away.

Being home at a reasonable hour is not to much to ask. My 19 year old knows if she is not in this house at midnight do not bother coming home. I also must be told by 10 if she is going to make it or not. She, however, does not have children unless you count her dog :).

If you are feeling taken advantage of by him then charge per hour of babysitting that doesn't involve him being at school or at work and maybe one weekend day since I am sure you would have taken her at least once and while if she wasn't living there.

You don't sound ignorant. It's hard balancing the grown child parent relationship, then throw a baby in the mix and it get's even more complicated.

Quoting notime4me247:

you're all wonderful.

thank you for your replys.

luckyseven.....the thing is, I have her EVERYDAY.

Originally before the fallling out between the baby's mom and the other grandma, I had her on Tues, Thurs, and Sunday.  I would get her Mon night at 8, then i'd watch her all day tuesday.  My son would get home from school at 1 and return her to her mom at 8  - 8 being the drop off time.  On Wed night because i had to have her so early thurs, she'd come back at 8pm and she's spend the night and i'd take her all day thurs.  On sat night, we'd get her back at 8 and i'd take her to church with me and keep her all day son, while my son & the gf both worked the breakfast shifts at work.  So i only had her 3 days and the mom's days were mon, wed, fri, sat.  But now, I have her EVERYDAY because noone else will take her, so like even right now, i'm watching her, and he hasn't even gotten out of bed yet and completely blew off school today.  I text him at 1:50 last night and said, what time can i expect you home, he replied at 2:53 that says i'll be leaving soon - we're making brownies right now and going to save them til tommorow. The whole time i'm thinking to myself - "this new gf's mother must think i'm ridiculous and what does she think of my son, thinking it's ok to bake brownies in their house over there at 3am?" i know i'm not the only one who thinks this is just ridiculous!  I have no clue what time he actually got home, because he used to tell me "mom, i'm home" so i could relax, but when it started getting later and later, it's like he knew he'd be accountable so he stopped waking me - not to mention THAT would break my sleep pattern anyway - what little bit i was getting!.

I hope i don't sound like an ignorant mom. I really am educated and smart - i just feel too close to this siutation and overwhelmed to even know where to begin. :/


Trustingnoman
by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 2:04 PM

I commend you mom for being very supportive of your son for all that he is accomplishing because you have given him a good life.  One he is still in your home and should respect the rules because you still have two underage children and you want your oldest son to be the role model to the other two. (very important).  For the girlfriend I would not allow her to stay that late first of all so she knows to respect your home and if he wants to play house with her suggest him take her to a motel or look at it as a date and bring her home at a decent time.  Rules have to be looked at as healthy boundaries for him and the others otherwise you will repeat this whole situation and you don't want him to have another child from another mother.  So if he is not aware of the consequences it will not give him much to think about.  If he wants to be treated like an adult then he needs to respect your home period.  You should not have to buy him condoms just like no one reminds him to pull his pants down.  Do remind him you will not allow him to frustrate or stress the situation more by being irresponsible by not practicing safe sex.  He is not in any situation to have more children.  Not fair to you or the rest of the family.  The other kids need you and your time to.  Or he needs to move on and find a place elsewhere to live.  Give him something to think about.  I hope this helps.  He lives in your home and there should be rules and RESPECT :)  ALL THE BEST

rkoloms
by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 3:01 PM
1 mom liked this
You have turned into a doormat. Your son choose to be a parent, and he need to start behaving like one.
He can follow the rules of your home, or he can leave. Make a written contract with him, details the conditions under which he may continue to live under your roof
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Saille717
by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 4:32 PM
1 mom liked this

I do not think that you should be telling him when he can come and go, or with whom, or so on.  HOWEVER, I do not think that you are doing him any favors by being his non-stop day care provider.  You need to have a serious talk with him and tell him that when he's not in school or at work, his daughter is 100% his responsibility...changing diapers, playing, bathing, getting up with her in the night, all of it.  Tell him that you're not doing anything anymore other than babysitting her while he's at school or work.  If he needs a babysitter for any other times he can ASK you if you're available and you'll charge him whatever the going rates are in your area.  If he can't afford that then he needs to work more or go out less.  Grandparent doesn't mean automatic free day care.  

But you need to follow through.  If you keep picking up his slack he's going to keep letting you.  That's human nature.  

EyEmTuRtLe
by Bronze Member on Apr. 30, 2012 at 4:36 PM

Your roof = Your rules. I do think you need to sit down with him and have a lengthy talk with him to come to a mutual understanding. It does sound like you and your DH are doing more than picking up the slack but it's your choice.

atlmom2
by Susie on Apr. 30, 2012 at 4:39 PM

I don't care what age.  Your house, your rules.  IF he wants his own he can move out and pay his bills. You shouldn't have to be taking care of your grandchild every day either. 

vixen42
by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 4:51 PM

he is a adult but your house your rules

notime4me247
by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 7:05 PM

the consensus seems to be pretty one in the same,

my house my rules,

i shouldn't have the grandbaby everyday,

and if he doesnt' like it he can move,

and he should be able to go out less and pay for childcare,

but he doesn't "go out" he goes from here to his gf house and from the gf house to here, no money being spent except in gas to go back and forth,

and truthfully he has no money to go out or pay for daycare, so i feel like i have to watch her, but

we had a talk today, i told him no more late nights, 3am is disrespectful not only to our family but his gf's as well and that he needed to step up to the plate and help a little more, but it didn't seem to phase him.  He was respectful but he knows i'd never throw him out on his rear so i guess, i'll have to just sound controlling.  I did buy his laptop, so i guess i could take that away - that would tick him off.  :) sounds sound immature to have to do to a 20 year old, sounds, ridiciulous but whatever i gotta do, i gotta do! devil

pinkyheather
by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 9:30 PM

Its your house, put a curfew on his butt. If it was me, the GF would have to be out no later than 10 or 11 at the very latest, and if she could make her way over without him, she could find a way home without him.

when my neice was home from college and would go out and have fun with her friends, if she wasn't home by 1 am I locked the doors and she either had to sleep in a car or go to someone's house. I didn't care which it was, but 1 am was the curfew. She was 22 at this time. For my oldest neice, she and her son moved in with us when she was pregnant with son #2 and her boyfriend, the scumbag that he is, had to be out of here by 10 pm at the latest. And when my great nephew started school, he had to be downstairs at 9 so the nephew could go to bed. I didn't care if the neice liked it or not, its our house our rules. He didn't like it? Well, he didn't have to come over as far as I was concerned. Deadbeat dads need not stop by is my way of thinking.


Its great your son has some responsability in regards to his daughter, but he should realize he has a kid and it's his and not yours & your husbands.

suesues
by Silver Member on May. 1, 2012 at 7:20 AM

doesnt matter the time there should be rules home at certain hour so you dont worry but being he has the baby he should be there everynight and once or twice go out only asking you to watch baby,  he has to take responsiblity for baby (why does baby live with you and not the mom) You have made it to easy for him i would have done the same thing tell him your tired and it stops now.

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