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verbally ganged up on, feeling like a failure

Posted by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 9:33 PM
  • 14 Replies

I am a 45 yr. old mom of 4 oldest 25 youngest 16.  We have been through ALOT together.  Tonight I corrected my youngest (16 year old) for saying "Jesus" when I asked her to bring down my laundry basket  when she came downstairs.  I was called a hypocryt by my older daughter 24.  They then both got on the bandwagon and said I was a hypocryt because in there eyes "I don't "practice" religion" therefore I am a hypocryt.  I know this sounds silly, and I know this is rediculious, however it desperately disturbs me that my children think I am rediculous.  They went on to say that I push my beliefs on them and that I was judgemental.  Again I know this sounds silly but I can't stop feeling like a failure!  They have never been on my side about anything!  It's a very long story and I can't go into detail here and now, but has anyone ever felt like this?  What is my purpose?  I just want to give up and run away.  I don't want to deal with it anymore!  I am done!  over quit finito!  I know running away isn't the right solution eithier but I REALLY want to!  I don't want to deal with it any more!

by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 9:33 PM
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by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 9:36 PM
They're have been plenty of times that I've wanted to run away! (hugs)
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by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 9:51 PM

You had them, can't run away from them now! In all seriousness though, all moms and daughters seem to go through this at some point or another! Good luck though!

by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 10:20 PM
It sounds like you may be depressed. Ask your family doctor for a referral to a therapist
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by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 10:29 PM

Depression is very possible! When I first moved out on my own I got my great 14 y/o cousin to raise,  her parents went to prison for  cookin dope..  yeah not fun, (my mom and I also went threw this at the same time) There is a point when your a girl,  most girls more common now than  like years ago.  but there is a point,  where you don't really feel like you need a MOM and your getting in cat fights, and there is abattle of dominate female in the house.  But in a year or two maybe 4  at some point,  you'll have a beautiful grown daughter,  that is not only yoru daughter but your friend.  It took one cat fight,  that stopped me and my mom talking from the time I was 15 until I was 20 we would text each other well she would me,  and I would  just say I'm fine, alive, well living.  Leave em alone,  and she would do it once or twice a week.. Eventually  she asked me fro help. No matter how mad i was at my mom, for what happened in those 5 years,  I had to help her because she needed it, now were best friends!

but let ti go the best you can, with out looseing parental grounds.  since your youngest is 16 and yeah they still neeed parented even though they don't think so. 

by Grumpy on May. 1, 2012 at 12:45 AM
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Sounds to be that they are the ones being rude and you shouldn't feel bad about it.  You don't "practice" religion in my book, you either have faith and live by it or you don't. 

by on May. 1, 2012 at 2:53 AM
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How very cool that they feel comfortable to say to you that they think you push religion on them, or say they think something is hypocritical, or say that they think you can be judgemental. Not cool, of course, if they're doing it in a way that makes you feel bad. They don't get to say it in a mean way. In a way that makes you feel ganged up on. But I wouldn't shut down the conversation - I'd encourage it.  I'd push back, and say 'I want to hear more about why you say this. But I need you to be nice about how you talk about this with me. I don't pretend to be perfect. Y'all aren't perfect either. So - let's take each thing one at a time, and perhaps not all 3 today - it'll depend on if y'all don't make me feel bad. Tell me, nicely, what specifically have I done that has made you feel like I am pushing religion on you". Then really listen to them. They may well have a point. It could be a useful discussion. And it's a very very useful skill that you want them to exercise - respectfully discussing important issues about how they feel with the people they live with. It's a skill they'll need to discuss things with their husband someday, their own children when they have them, and with you, many times in the future as you all continue your relationship into their adulthood. You 3 need to be able to respectfully, in a way that preserves people's feelings, discuss what's not ok in the relationship.

My 14 y/o has pointed out a couple of times when she thinks I've been hypocritical. And she's been right. It has made me stop, reflect, and tweak my course. Both my 14 and 16 yr old have been telling me for years that I am pushing catholicism at them, they've been avowed agnostics/atheists for a few years. I reply that I completely and unapologetically admit that they are right, and I'll continue until they finish confirmation classes in sophomore or junior year of hs at which time they make their own choice on the matter and my Sunday rallies to get them in the car to church will cease.

by on May. 1, 2012 at 3:08 AM

 I guess I'm old school, but your kids shouldn't be criticizing you like that. Doesn't matter if you practice a religion or not. If the 16 yr old says something you don't like; she has to stop saying it.

No, a teenager doesn't have the same right to free speech when she is under your roof and you pay the rent.  And tell the older sis to butt out. It's your house and you don't have to put up with this. I know some moms will say that your teen/adult kids have a right to their opinions. And they do. But you have a right to peace and comfort in you own home. If the teen/adult kids don't like doing things your way, well that's their incentive to grow up and get their own place. That's how I was raised and I treat my 16 yr old that way. I tell him I love him and he can stay at home until he's 40 if he wants. But until he's chipping in on the bills, we play by momma's rules in momma's house. He can believe and think what he likes, but I don't have to hear about it.

by on May. 1, 2012 at 6:48 AM
Well maybe you are looking at it raised girls that are not afraid to speak their mind. Where is the failure in that? Second, your 16 year old that live in your house is not allowed to Tom to you like that and you need to let her know that. You should theb24 year old down and tell her how much she hurt your feelings and have an adult conversation with her...just like you would if one of your friends did something mean...don't be a victim momma
by on May. 1, 2012 at 8:47 AM
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When they have kids and families on their own, they will come crawling back to have a relationship with you. Just wait, pray, and have patience. Hugs!
by on May. 1, 2012 at 9:21 AM
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I think they have a right to their opinions, but that they don't have the right to be rude or nasty to you.

Does the 24 year old still live at home? If so, and she's not happy living there, I'd tell her she's more than welcome to get her own place. In fact, she's more than old enough.
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