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Very dysfunctional family here.. EVERYDAY!

Posted by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 11:30 PM
  • 25 Replies
So, tell me what you think and I don't care... Be blunt... My husband and son can't stand each other.. Son is 16, hubby will be 46 (thurs actually)
I somewhat feel responsible... You see I have been saying not so nice things about my hubby.. He just is not who "I" think he should be.. He drinks and maybe I make too big a deal out of it, but then he talks terrible to my son.. Shut the F up, he calls him a Nambi Pambi and a lazy ass.. This is the deal.. I have complained about my son to my hubby and about my hubby to my son! I have not helped this situation one bit.. My son is rude to his sister, he's 16, she is 6, but she feeds on the fact that my hubby says things about him too.. They ( son and daughter) can't even be in the same room without a big blow up and ME.. I can't stand it, neither one listens to me.. As my hubby says, I am a pushover mom and of course he says it in front of them.. among other things..I have been married for 20 years and this way of living sucks! I guess it all is my fault for complaining about too many things.. My son is already going to have a hard life.if he doesn't change .. It's a long crazy story.. He is OCD and my husband is an asshole! Me, I just don't know anymore and my precious 6 year old daughter is affected by it all.. I just don't know.. We are supposed to honor our husbands and let them lead the family..does that mean that even though my son can be lazy, talk back at times and stuff that my husband can say these mean things? Tonight my hubby said.. Woman, I ain't putting up with your shit!!! I am so ready for a change.. I want peace mostly for my children, no counseling is not an option at this point.. Been there done that... Not good.. I guess the only person I can change is me and in the mean time, bite the heck out of my tongue!!! Sorry to go on and on.. Just ready for a change for the better..
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by on Apr. 30, 2012 at 11:30 PM
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Replies (1-10):
mannafromheaven
by on May. 1, 2012 at 12:26 AM

There sure is a lot of verbal and emotional abuse going on here.  Get into counseling; even if you have to go by yourself, it will help because as you change the family system will have to change also.  Expect lots of pressure to go back to the previous way of doing things, that's the nature of the beast.  Deep down everyone wants everything to stay the same because then they don't have to change.  Before you take this step make sure its what you want for yourself.  Good luck and my prayers are with you

fantasticfour
by Grumpy on May. 1, 2012 at 12:37 AM
4 moms liked this

In order to change the situation, there are a few options.  One is divorce, which although is an option isn't always what some people want.  The second is counseling for the entire family.  The third is to change yourself.  Complaining about your husband and kids to be reserved for friends who take it with a grain of salt.  Then you no longer tolerate husbands behavior towards the children in such a demeaning way.  End it, tell him to stop it.  If he hits you (even once) LOCK HIM UP.  Do not tolerate the same from your son either.  Remove his belongings and ground him.  Your daughter seems to be an innocent in this at the moment.  Remove her from the equation and keep her away from the fighting.  It is a long road but it can be repaired if you put your mind to it in at least one of these ways.

fammatthews4
by Trisha on May. 1, 2012 at 6:37 AM
This is great advise. You have to decide what it is YOU want: whether it's to save the family or not. Then you make the changes. Good luck

Quoting fantasticfour:

In order to change the situation, there are a few options.  One is divorce, which although is an option isn't always what some people want.  The second is counseling for the entire family.  The third is to change yourself.  Complaining about your husband and kids to be reserved for friends who take it with a grain of salt.  Then you no longer tolerate husbands behavior towards the children in such a demeaning way.  End it, tell him to stop it.  If he hits you (even once) LOCK HIM UP.  Do not tolerate the same from your son either.  Remove his belongings and ground him.  Your daughter seems to be an innocent in this at the moment.  Remove her from the equation and keep her away from the fighting.  It is a long road but it can be repaired if you put your mind to it in at least one of these ways.

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zannahdeux
by on May. 1, 2012 at 6:43 AM
Family therapy....ASAP
NettePooh
by Member on May. 1, 2012 at 7:25 AM
Thank you ladies for the great advice and words of wisdom.. I always say, we can't change anyone but ourselves.. My husband says he works, it's his house that he pays for therefore he can say anything he wants, though I think he may have said that due to his insecurities of our financial situation.. He has had a very steady jib and great work ethics, but has not made the money he feels he should have... He blames me for not picking up the slack and talks about getting these off shore jobs that make bu cu's of $ ... He is a good provider and all but feels short changed and I think this is what encourages him to drink and me to not hold my tongue when he drinks, taking it too personal maybe. I am just going to have to work on myself and focus On my 6 year old.. My son has used his fathers behavior to play us against each other and I have allowed it too long! Thanks again for listening without judging !!


Quoting fantasticfour:

In order to change the situation, there are a few options.  One is divorce, which although is an option isn't always what some people want.  The second is counseling for the entire family.  The third is to change yourself.  Complaining about your husband and kids to be reserved for friends who take it with a grain of salt.  Then you no longer tolerate husbands behavior towards the children in such a demeaning way.  End it, tell him to stop it.  If he hits you (even once) LOCK HIM UP.  Do not tolerate the same from your son either.  Remove his belongings and ground him.  Your daughter seems to be an innocent in this at the moment.  Remove her from the equation and keep her away from the fighting.  It is a long road but it can be repaired if you put your mind to it in at least one of these ways.


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rkoloms
by on May. 1, 2012 at 8:07 AM
Your husband is abusive. This is not health or normal. I am mobile and can't grab the number, but PLEASE contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline. You and your children need to have the opportunity to lead normal, healthy lives.
Again, GET OUT!!!
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rkoloms
by on May. 1, 2012 at 8:08 AM
A healthy marriage is an equal partnership!


Quoting NettePooh:

Thank you ladies for the great advice and words of wisdom.. I always say, we can't change anyone but ourselves.. My husband says he works, it's his house that he pays for therefore he can say anything he wants, though I think he may have said that due to his insecurities of our financial situation.. He has had a very steady jib and great work ethics, but has not made the money he feels he should have... He blames me for not picking up the slack and talks about getting these off shore jobs that make bu cu's of $ ... He is a good provider and all but feels short changed and I think this is what encourages him to drink and me to not hold my tongue when he drinks, taking it too personal maybe. I am just going to have to work on myself and focus On my 6 year old.. My son has used his fathers behavior to play us against each other and I have allowed it too long! Thanks again for listening without judging !!




Quoting fantasticfour:

In order to change the situation, there are a few options.  One is divorce, which although is an option isn't always what some people want.  The second is counseling for the entire family.  The third is to change yourself.  Complaining about your husband and kids to be reserved for friends who take it with a grain of salt.  Then you no longer tolerate husbands behavior towards the children in such a demeaning way.  End it, tell him to stop it.  If he hits you (even once) LOCK HIM UP.  Do not tolerate the same from your son either.  Remove his belongings and ground him.  Your daughter seems to be an innocent in this at the moment.  Remove her from the equation and keep her away from the fighting.  It is a long road but it can be repaired if you put your mind to it in at least one of these ways.



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woodswalker
by Member on May. 1, 2012 at 8:39 AM

Patricia Evans has some great books on the verbally abusive relationship.  The books really helped me learn how to stand up to my husband and put a stop to his verbal abuse.  We still fight a lot.  But what the kids see now is me not taking being spoken to like that.  They see me standing up for myself .

cheryce22
by on May. 1, 2012 at 9:33 AM
1 mom liked this

 Have you sat down with your son to find out why he does the things that he do? Same with your honey, express how it is stressing you out and how you all have to try to make it work. I think that you should sit the two men in the house down and all three of you agree to disagree but do agree to love each other no matter what happens at the end of the day. I guess it depends on the level of pride built up in your family. If your husband is willing to admit that he loves you and your son and if your son is willing to admit his flaws then you can go from there. The bible says "Love covers a multitude of things" try praying on it. Give it to God but meanwhile try to get them to admit that they don't agree with each other and then try to get the point of love across. We only live for so long God forbid that something happens to either of them then they would really regret the way they treated each other. As far as this whole thing being your fault, you can't say that, yes things went wrong but you are trying to make them better. Start off with admitting that there is a problem to your men and then go from there. It may not be easy and it will take a lot of time but to begin just encourage them to sit in a room together even if they don't say anything to each other, have your family start off small and build from there. *Remember big obstacles are not fixed overnight* My advise would be to put God first use much prayer and be realistic with bringing them together. Find some things that they agree on *sports* etc. and talk about those things rather than the negative ones until the family build tolerance for each other. . . .

fantasticfour
by Grumpy on May. 1, 2012 at 9:48 AM

I'm sorry you're going through what you are.  I really am.  I hope you find the strength to do what needs to be done to maintain your happiness.  There is no excuse for being mean to people. If you are hurting so much for money, is there any reason you cannot work during school hours at mcdonalds or something?  If you're incapable of working, have you applied for disability benefits?

Quoting NettePooh:

Thank you ladies for the great advice and words of wisdom.. I always say, we can't change anyone but ourselves.. My husband says he works, it's his house that he pays for therefore he can say anything he wants, though I think he may have said that due to his insecurities of our financial situation.. He has had a very steady jib and great work ethics, but has not made the money he feels he should have... He blames me for not picking up the slack and talks about getting these off shore jobs that make bu cu's of $ ... He is a good provider and all but feels short changed and I think this is what encourages him to drink and me to not hold my tongue when he drinks, taking it too personal maybe. I am just going to have to work on myself and focus On my 6 year old.. My son has used his fathers behavior to play us against each other and I have allowed it too long! Thanks again for listening without judging !!


Quoting fantasticfour:

In order to change the situation, there are a few options.  One is divorce, which although is an option isn't always what some people want.  The second is counseling for the entire family.  The third is to change yourself.  Complaining about your husband and kids to be reserved for friends who take it with a grain of salt.  Then you no longer tolerate husbands behavior towards the children in such a demeaning way.  End it, tell him to stop it.  If he hits you (even once) LOCK HIM UP.  Do not tolerate the same from your son either.  Remove his belongings and ground him.  Your daughter seems to be an innocent in this at the moment.  Remove her from the equation and keep her away from the fighting.  It is a long road but it can be repaired if you put your mind to it in at least one of these ways.



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