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Just For Fun: People Should Have to Have a License to Procreate

Posted by on May. 1, 2012 at 12:35 PM
  • 8 Replies

People Should Have to Have a License to Procreate

Posted by The Stir Bloggers

Jenny Isenman writes about all things that matter to moms on her blog The Suburban Jungle, from erotic fiction to celebrity parenting. We love her and think you will, too.

Here, in honor of Mother's Day, she discusses a license to procreate and most of us moms can probably say we agree with her.

You need special credentials to drive a car, take out a book, get a credit card, but there are no prerequisites to raise a child?

I realize that high-schoolers, crackheads, homeless people, cheap hookers, and teenage pop stars should not be having children. I am not, however, taking a stance on moral or political issues; I’ll leave that (as I always do) to Paris Hilton.

As a pretty normal adult, with the means to raise a child, I admittedly had no clue what I was doing with my first child. I remember leaving the hospital thinking, “He’s mine? I own him? You guys trust me to walk out that door and raise a child because I made the obligatory poop, and I demonstrated my ability to put him in a car seat?”

Isn’t it baffling that everyday people like us are allowed to procreate without first passing a test or getting some kind of license?

Think about it, you need a library card to take out a five-dollar novel, because you can’t be trusted to return it in a period long enough to read it four times over. You’re also required to pass a test to drive a car, sell a house, or be a lifeguard. You can take a class to learn how to give birth, but once that baby’s out, you’re on your own.

There was no test at my OB’s pre-pregnancy interview. All he asked was, “Do you have insurance and are you taking folic acid?”

“Of course I’d never think about bringing life to this Earth without the recommended 3 gagillion mgs of folic acid per day ... I’m also shooting heroin, but you didn’t ask me that.”

What if I don’t feed him, bathe him, or water him? I could let him swim after lunch without waiting the mandatory 30 minutes, or dress him in generic clothes from the supermarket. I could drop him off on the first day of middle school, roll down the window, and scream, “Mama loves her Snuggle Buggle!”

At the very least, there should be some kind of “Mommy Aptitude” screening. During your interview, they could call your mom. Mine would say, “Jenny always dreamed of being a mother and loved playing house. Her dolls were mostly naked, and she liked to cut their hair down to the hair transplant plug scalps. Sometimes she would detach their limbs and try to put them back in the wrong sockets, possibly to amuse herself, though I found it rather disturbing. Have I said too much? No, really, she would be wonderful. Her children would be so clean; I recall how much she liked bathing with Barbies.”

Doctor’s response: “Put in a 10-year IUD, give her supervised visitation with a hermit crab, and make sure someone counts the legs.”

Not only do doctors promote the concept of “Motherhood” to anyone donning a wedding ring, with reckless abandon, they encourage us to have more. Otherwise known as repeat business. The second my daughter arrived, my OB said, “So, when am I gonna see you back in the saddle?”

Great, a stirrup joke. “Take it easy Doc, the placenta’s not even cold yet.”

Well, a month and a half later, I ran into my OB again. Actually, I had an appointment, so it wasn’t as random as I’m making it sound. He said, “At 6 weeks you are extremely fertile, so now is the time for another romp in the stable.” I immediately went home to tell my husband the doctor said, “Now is the time I am extremely unstable, so no romps for at least 6 more weeks.”

How about a probationary period to see if you’re any good at this parenting thing? When you get a new job, they evaluate you every 6 months. They certainly don’t give you more responsibility until you’ve proven you can handle your current load, unless you work at McDonald’s.

How does my OB know how I’m gonna solve disputes? When my children are fighting over the last lollipop, who says I won’t shove them all in the playroom, lock the door, and say, “Last one standing gets it”?

Well, lucky for me I’m an excellent mother, regardless of not being licensed and accredited. I could contemplate this whole non-license thing for hours, but my naked daughter just walked by with a lollipop matted in her crew cut, so I’ve gotta give her a bath.

To all the Moms out there, who do an amazing job (without a license) -- Happy Mother’s Day!

For  more Jenny From the Blog, visit her at her site: The Suburban Jungle

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Do you support a license to parent?

by on May. 1, 2012 at 12:35 PM
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Replies (1-8):
MB13
by on May. 1, 2012 at 1:12 PM

As an adoptive mom, we had to go through vigorous home studies, background checks, etc. to become parents.  But the teen girl down the street can just keep popping them out! LOL

boys2men2soon
by Kimberly on May. 1, 2012 at 1:51 PM
1 mom liked this

I LOL'D!!!    I am a firm believer that babies should be born with instructions tattood to their little baby butts!      I was terrified when I was handed my first little bundle of joy.   Sure, I suffered through a miserable pregnancy, and the birthing process (which was not as miraculous as I was lead to believe).   But, now I was expected to take him home and, God forbid, RAISE him?  Correctly?  I was not qualified for the position!  I had never had a baby before.     I was 24, married and college educated.....yet incapable of bathing a slick, sqirming baby.  ( I made my Mom do it :)

It all worked out!   That first bundle of joy is now 22.   He is alive and well.    I did a great job, if I do say so myself!




fantasticfour
by Grumpy on May. 1, 2012 at 1:54 PM

Umm... no I don't think anyone should be able to tell me that I cannot have a baby if I want one.  As far as the author's OB, well she should have fired him long ago if this is how she felt.

PinkieRed
by on May. 1, 2012 at 4:54 PM
Too much of a slippery slope.

Who decides "who" should have kids?

Only people of a certain race or ethnicity or religion?

Or only people with a minimum of a bachelor's degree? Is someone with a bachelor's degree in art, barely earning enough to support oneself a better choice for a parent than say, a nurse with an associate's, who earns $30 an hour?

How much income is "enough" to properly raise a kid? Some people can support a family of 4 perfectly well on say $60,000 a year, while others think any family of 4 with an income of less than $150,000 is poor.

Should a family have to have a car to have kids? Or two cars? Should a person with any sort of medical condition be excluded from having kids?

Should only suburbanites living in wealthy suburbs with top of the line public schools be allowed to have kids?

And what age is "old enough" to have one's first baby -20, 25, 30, 35? What age is "too old" to have a baby? How many kids are "enough"?

Should a married couple have to have been married for a minimum length of time before having a a baby?

I think there's just too many variables at play to make it realistic or practical.
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Jessiejack
by Silver Member on May. 1, 2012 at 6:57 PM
I think all kids should have to take a parenting class in school. The schools are so worried about testing they don't teach the basics. But as a foster and adoptive mom I feel at some point we need to say enough is enough. All these kids born addicted to drugs and left to fend for themselves from the day of birth. It is so sad. We are adopting our little guy now and they asked if bio was to have yet another would we want to stay open for those kids. Of course I said yes but I pray everyday she does not have any more.
PinkieRed
by on May. 1, 2012 at 7:32 PM

Quoting Jessiejack:

I think all kids should have to take a parenting class in school. The schools are so worried about testing they don't teach the basics. But as a foster and adoptive mom I feel at some point we need to say enough is enough. All these kids born addicted to drugs and left to fend for themselves from the day of birth. It is so sad. We are adopting our little guy now and they asked if bio was to have yet another would we want to stay open for those kids. Of course I said yes but I pray everyday she does not have any more.

Now that's clearly a case where someone definitely should NOT have any more kids. One of my older sisters used to work as a county social worker, and she had a client who was a drug addict, and who had 5 or 6 kids, who were all taken away from her by the county. But she kept getting pregnant, and saw nothing wrong with it. That's just disgusting, in my opinion.

bizzeemom2717
by Jen on May. 2, 2012 at 12:57 AM
1 mom liked this
All great points Pinkie! I agree with everything you said.

Quoting PinkieRed:

Too much of a slippery slope.

Who decides "who" should have kids?

Only people of a certain race or ethnicity or religion?

Or only people with a minimum of a bachelor's degree? Is someone with a bachelor's degree in art, barely earning enough to support oneself a better choice for a parent than say, a nurse with an associate's, who earns $30 an hour?

How much income is "enough" to properly raise a kid? Some people can support a family of 4 perfectly well on say $60,000 a year, while others think any family of 4 with an income of less than $150,000 is poor.

Should a family have to have a car to have kids? Or two cars? Should a person with any sort of medical condition be excluded from having kids?

Should only suburbanites living in wealthy suburbs with top of the line public schools be allowed to have kids?

And what age is "old enough" to have one's first baby -20, 25, 30, 35? What age is "too old" to have a baby? How many kids are "enough"?

Should a married couple have to have been married for a minimum length of time before having a a baby?

I think there's just too many variables at play to make it realistic or practical.
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PosinourHarmony
by Silver Member on May. 2, 2012 at 7:49 AM

YES!! I've always said that people need ta fill out an application ta have kids!! Some people should not procreate!! I agree!!

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