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My 16 year-old daughter and her boyfriend are TOO close!

Posted by on May. 4, 2012 at 3:01 PM
  • 25 Replies

They've been dating for 6 months and I've found out they are sexually active.  How do I get the 'horse back in the barn'?  She's losing friends because of this relationship and we're losing sleep.

by on May. 4, 2012 at 3:01 PM
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by on May. 4, 2012 at 3:26 PM
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Are you just concerned about her being sexually active, or do you have other concerns as well?

Whether you approve of the boy or her having sex, I would start out by taking her to a doctor and getting her on some sort of birth control ASAP. I would also stress condoms.

I say this because I don't think there's any way you can 100% keep her from having sex, even if you attempt to end the relationship.

I would still talk to her though, about your concerns, and about healthy relationships and boundary setting.
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by Susie on May. 4, 2012 at 3:45 PM
Set boundries. Say a few days a week they just cant see each other?. Do they go to school together?. If so I wouldnt let them see each other then. I did that to my dd.
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by on May. 4, 2012 at 3:49 PM

Thanks PinkieRed for the advice.  She has been on birth control for several months now.  Initially the birth control was to control heavy menstrual bleeding but we know now that it is serving double duty.  From what I understand, the boy does use a condom.  How do I know so much?  That  adds intruigue to this whole dilemma.  Apparently the boy 'kisses and tells' and he happened to tell an older boy who just so happens to be a friend of my older daughter.  Is the boyfriend so clueless to expect his talk would not reach my older daughter?  Her friend was appalled that the boyfriend talked so openly about his sexual activity with my daughter that he texted my older daughter to tell her what he learned.  My older daughter has never liked her sister's boyfriend mainly because of his reputation of being somewhat of a flirt and now because of his apparent hold on her little sister.  The boy actually seems very nice's a bit much for me to wrap my head around it all considering I started dating my future hubby in 10th grade, dated him for 9 years and remained a virgin until my wedding night.  Times have changed indeed!

I expect my older daughter shares what she learns about 'the boyfriend' with me only because she doesn't care for him.   Otherwise I'm sure she would honor sister to sister confidentiallity.  My younger daughter's friends are falling by the wayside as she spends most of her free time with this boy.  I don't know whether he really does care for her and his bad rep is undeserved or whether he is toxic for her and we should step in.  She does not seem overly cheerful...except when she is with him.

by on May. 4, 2012 at 3:52 PM
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This is what my parents done. ONLY time we could see bf was on weekends. There was no coming and hanging out durning the week. If she sees him outside of school durning the week, limit that time. Your house and have to stay where they can be seen (living room, )Stress the importance of health and pregnancy
issues. Good luck hun.
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by on May. 4, 2012 at 4:05 PM

They are both sophomores in the same high school but they only have one class together.  They are on the track team so see each other after school at practice.  Track season will be over soon.  We limit their together time to the weekends but of course, they don't get together every Saturday and Sunday.  We have also made an 'open door' rule so they can't hide behind closed doors when they're at our house.  Who knows what happens when they are not here?! 

One last piece of the puzzle, the boys parents were out of town and they emailed us to tell us that their son was not to have any company while they were gone.  Found out yesterday that he and my daughter walked to his house afterschool for a brief time before they had to return to school for track practice.  Now perhaps nothing went on in the very short time they would have had alone but I am so suspicious of her now that I think the worst.  And we can't really confront her with this info because she told my older daughter and told her 'don't tell mommy'.  My older daughter did tell me, of course, and she feels if I betray the confidence her sister placed in her,  little sis will never tell her anything again.

We are going to our son's college graduation next weekend and had debated whether or not to leave our daughter home alone so as not to miss any school.  That ain't going happen now.  She will be accompanying us to the graduation even is she does have to miss two days of school.

by on May. 4, 2012 at 4:38 PM

Talk to both of them.

by Gold Member on May. 4, 2012 at 9:24 PM

You dont momma ! Now you keep communicating the importance of Condoms.I would talk to her about it constantly.I would also put her on BC if she isn't. I would set up some rules if they already are not in place.

No being at each others house if parents are not home.

You need to be told where she is going, with whom, and when she will be back,

He needs to spend time at your home with you all as a family (the more you see of him the less they see of each other alone)

Lastly I would pray !

by Kimberly on May. 4, 2012 at 9:31 PM
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Talk, talk, talk!   Communication is key!   Lay down some boundaries.  Set some limits on how much time she spends with him.     Encourage her to spend time with her friends....

by Grumpy on May. 4, 2012 at 10:42 PM

Does your daughter know he's been blabing about how easy she is to the entire school?

by on May. 5, 2012 at 9:58 AM

Thanks so much to everyone for all of the advice.  It DOES feel good to be able to share with people so freely without having to worry about it getting out to the involved parties.   Regarding the question from fantasticfour whether my daughter knows about her boyfriend blabbing about their shenanigans, I'm not sure.  I think her older sister, my 18 year old, did tell her because she was so upset when she found out about it.   I know one of my daughter's friends, in fact her long time, best friend, texted another girl and in her text she called my daughter a 'slut'.  The other girl showed my daughter the text.  Very hurtful to her.  Older daughter told her that her friends are probably imagining the worst because she is not really doing anything to dispel the negative rumors about her.  Now, she DOES have friends.  It is not a totally horrible situation where all of her friends have abandoned her and she does nothing but hang out with the boyfriend, but damage was done by the hurtful comment of her 'best' friend.  (Who, by the way, does not know that my daughter read her nasty text message.  Oh the power of  electronics.)

Last night, my husband and I took the girls out for dinner.  A casual comment I made about smoking led my 16 year old to joke (I DO know she does not smoke) that she was going to start smoking to which the 18 year-old cracked "you probably will".  What would have been a joke months ago now caused stony silence on the way home.  We are going to a family birthday party today and it's a 90 minute car ride away.  It will be a silent trip again but I have hopes that being around extended family will ease the tension a bit between my girls.

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