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Moms with Teens Moms with Teens

Moms w/boys may have a better insight to this?

Posted by on May. 4, 2012 at 11:03 PM
  • 20 Replies

Everyone was so helpful in the past, I thought I'd turn to you again.  Look out . . . when I post, it can get lengthy.  :)

As you may recall, my 15 year old had a very possessive BF, who I will refer to as "D".  She broke it off and has been distant with him, although recently he has told her he wants to get back together with her.  Fortunately, she replied, "Thank you, but no thank you."  D said he won't give up, but she's moved on. 

During her trials and tribulations with D, another boy ("B") would ask her how she was doing, what was wrong, and why D would keep bugging her.  B even told her he thought she was pretty and that she didn't deserve to be hurt by D.  B also told D to "leave her alone already."  A couple of weeks ago, a friend of B asked my daughter if she would go out with B.  She laughed, as she thought he was joking. When asked where B was, she said he was "sitting right there."  I couldn't help but laugh remembering how it was to have friends ask on your behalf. 

They're having their first school dance this weekend, to which my daughter already purchased her ticket to go with her friends.  Since the last question, B's friend has asked my daughter if she was still going out with D or if she was dating anyone.  She answered no and figured that was that.  Yesterday, B's friend again approached her and told her that he had something to ask her.  This time, B stepped in and said, "No, I'll ask her" and asked if she was going to the dance.  When she replied yes, he asked if she would dance with him.  My daughter paused but finally said, "Yes." and B replied, "SWEET!"  He asked if she had already asked us if she could go, and she told him yes.  He asked her what time and where they should meet, to which she responded - it appeared everything was set.

I think my daughter was so excited - the high school quarterback asked her to dance - that she fell down the stairs.  I was called to school, took her to the doc, and she tore all the ligaments in her ankle and is on crutches since yesterday afternoon.  She facebook messaged B and told him she was hurt; he seemed genuinely concerned about her, but asked her if that meant she couldn't dance.  DUH!  (She attends a catholic school with a strict no PDA policy so no slow dancing.)  She replied, obviously, no.  He asked her if she was still going to go, and she said yes.  She, therefore, assumed they could just spend some out of classroom time together.

Today, B's friend saw my daughter on crutches and asked if she was now going to "bail" on B - she said no, that she was still going to the dance.  His friend was glad and told her that B would be hurt if she did "bail" on him.  He also told my daughter that she was a sweet girl, unlike the other girls. 

Sadly, B has messaged her and told her he cannot go to the dance.  She said there was no reason, but that she feels she "fell into a trap."  She started crying!  I asked her why she felt that way and she said, "Why would a guy in the 'cool group' ever want to go with an outcast like me?"  (This outcast stuff stems from a bunch of really mean girls at her previous school who stated she and her friends were "outcasts.")  I was heartbroken for her.  I told her to go to the dance, even if it means she has to sit down; that she had already bought her ticket and had intended on going with her friends; and that if he is there, then she knows the truth, if he's not there, then it truly meant that he could not go. 

The school is having it's fair from 10 a.m. until 6 p.m.; the students and parents are required to work a shift; for all I know, his parents just don't want to drive out (17+ miles) to work the fair, go back home, then have to bring him out again for the dance and hang around until the dance is over at 10 p.m.  I told her that maybe he just doesn't have a way home, or he got grounded and is too embarrassed to tell her, or that he asked her without even asking his parents if he could go.  She's crying saying she doesn't want to go any more and I'm telling her to just go and show them that she DIDN'T "fall into a trap."  Am I wrong?

I asked my husband, as a guy, if he smelled something fishy.  He said that even the friend telling her that she was sweet "unlike the other girls" was very mature for a freshman.  If, in fact, this was a trap, that they were "ruthless."  If, in fact, B is "hurt" and believes she "bail[ed]" on him, isn't that selfish?  Like she WANTED to hurt her ankle?

Should we take her home after the fair or have her go?  I feel so bad for her I just don't know what to do!  Her friends are ALWAYS there for her - even the boys were carrying her bag for her today.  :) 

Advice from any mom would be welcomed!!

by on May. 4, 2012 at 11:03 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Des10ed2b
by on May. 4, 2012 at 11:10 PM
1 mom liked this

i do not have a teen boy, but at 26, i can still remember my high school days pretty well and i have a niece that is 17. 

It sounds to me that maybe B is pretty shy and maybe he is feeling insecure. He may be scared of seeming like he is "chasing" her too much or maybe his friends are teasing him and saying he is "whipped" or something like that. see what i mean?

i definitely do not think it is your daughter and i definitely do not think it has anything to do with being an "outcast". i was a very big outcast in high school and i can say that rarely would kids ever take the time or effort to set me a "trap". they mostly just ignored me or laughed at me for trying to be cool. 

cege
by Bronze Member on May. 4, 2012 at 11:28 PM
2 moms liked this

In my opinion your daughter should hold her head up, go to the dance, and concentrate on having a good time with her friends.  It sounds like she has a wonderful, supportive friend group.  They should matter more than one individual guy.  Teenagers by nature can be extremely flaky.  There could be numerous reasons for the guy backing out, like the ones you stated in your post.  I really doubt it was set up as a trap.  Better to assume she was asked with good intentions.   My own daughter had a guy jokingly ask her about once a week  since September if she would go to prom with him.  She would laugh and say, "Sure Steve".   She and everyone else thought he'd ask her in a more "official" way closer to the date.  Nope, he ended up asking a girl from the grade below them. Nobody has any ideal why.  But  instead of taking it personally my daughter chose to not worry about it and asked a guy friend to go with her.  She states that stuff like this happens all the time between teens, people change plans frequently without giving a reason. Since she has great friends that are there for her, the people that come along that aren't reliable aren't worth her time.  The same goes for your daughter,   Anyway, I hope your daughter's ankle feels better soon and that she has fun at the fair AND the dance  : )

alik1983
by Member on May. 5, 2012 at 12:07 AM

Thank you so much!!  I told my husband the same thing - that people from the "cool group" (as she puts it) can't be bothered to take the time to even talk to those they feel are "outcasts" so I didn't think it could ever be a "trap."  I don't think any of us are "outcasts" - we just don't wish and/or need to be a part of the "cool" or "in" crowd.  I was a "band geek" and definitely not a part of the "cool" group.  Funny you should talk about "chasing" her.  My husband said the same thing -- that they seem to be keeping tabs on her and not the other way around.  :) 

Quoting Des10ed2b:

i do not have a teen boy, but at 26, i can still remember my high school days pretty well and i have a niece that is 17. 

It sounds to me that maybe B is pretty shy and maybe he is feeling insecure. He may be scared of seeming like he is "chasing" her too much or maybe his friends are teasing him and saying he is "whipped" or something like that. see what i mean?

i definitely do not think it is your daughter and i definitely do not think it has anything to do with being an "outcast". i was a very big outcast in high school and i can say that rarely would kids ever take the time or effort to set me a "trap". they mostly just ignored me or laughed at me for trying to be cool. 


alik1983
by Member on May. 5, 2012 at 12:16 AM

Thank you very much for your response!  She really does have a great bunch of friends.  I agree that she shouldn't be "bail[ing]" on the friends she originally intended on going to the dance with.  Yes, I am slowly learning how flaky teenagers can really be - including mine.  :)  I know how your daughter and mine feel.  When I was a sophmore, a junior from another school asked me to his prom; I said yes, and a few weeks later, he said he couldn't go.  Instead, he took my "friend" instead.  Needless to say, I had nothing to do with either of them again - although my extremely huge friends who were his classmates had a few choice words for him when they found out what had happened.  :)  I'm glad your daughter took someone else - I think mine should just go and have fun (albeit sitting) with her friends as originally planned.

Quoting cege:

In my opinion your daughter should hold her head up, go to the dance, and concentrate on having a good time with her friends.  It sounds like she has a wonderful, supportive friend group.  They should matter more than one individual guy.  Teenagers by nature can be extremely flaky.  There could be numerous reasons for the guy backing out, like the ones you stated in your post.  I really doubt it was set up as a trap.  Better to assume she was asked with good intentions.   My own daughter had a guy jokingly ask her about once a week  since September if she would go to prom with him.  She would laugh and say, "Sure Steve".   She and everyone else thought he'd ask her in a more "official" way closer to the date.  Nope, he ended up asking a girl from the grade below them. Nobody has any ideal why.  But  instead of taking it personally my daughter chose to not worry about it and asked a guy friend to go with her.  She states that stuff like this happens all the time between teens, people change plans frequently without giving a reason. Since she has great friends that are there for her, the people that come along that aren't reliable aren't worth her time.  The same goes for your daughter,   Anyway, I hope your daughter's ankle feels better soon and that she has fun at the fair AND the dance  : )


alik1983
by Member on May. 5, 2012 at 12:17 AM
1 mom liked this

THANK YOU BOTH SOOOO MUCH!!!  This is why I'm so thankful to have my Cafe Mom "sisters" to talk with!  HUGS!!!

fantasticfour
by Grumpy on May. 5, 2012 at 12:49 AM
1 mom liked this

I would have her go and enjoy herself with her friends.  Being brushed off by a boy (if that's what it really is) shouldn't be a deal breaker and ruin her fun.  If he's there, she will know, if he's not she will know that too.  Why doesn't she call him and ask why he can't go?  I have a 16 year old son but he doesn't do the dating thing yet, which worries me.  He's got a brother who didn't date until later on in life and it turned out that it was a bad thing.

alik1983
by Member on May. 5, 2012 at 1:32 AM

Thanks, FantasticFour!  I really didn't want her to do the dating thing until AFTER high school - I know that that was being unrealistic.  :)  I've lectured her about not "chasing" boys - her BFF is doing that with another boy right now and I'm getting embarrassed for her.  So, I think she's listening (for once) and just blowing it off - albeit hurt in the process, but not chasing.  I did tell her that if he's there, then she knows to ignore him; and if he's not, it wasn't that he was taking another girl as she suspects.  The way I see it, she hasn't "invested" much into this boy, so no sense get all torn up.  If he wants to "date" her, then there are always other opportunities for him to do so.  She said he never talked to her today in class which makes sense if he was told by his parents he couldn't go and was too embarrassed to say so.  Growing up is hard, isn't it?  :) 

I'm sorry, as I don't know what kind of advice I can give you about your son seeing as I don't have any.  (I wish I did, though.)  Maybe he's being smart - "relationships are too much trouble" as my daughter says.  HAH!

smcclure2005
by on May. 5, 2012 at 6:06 AM
1 mom liked this

I do not have a teen son yet but my 17 year old daughter had her Junior Prom and her 17th b-day both on the same day. Her date stood her up he said because he did not want to get a paper filled out for the school because he was no longer in school. He showed up at her prom does not even attend a school and then he danced with a girl that he knows  does not get along with my daughter. She went with her friends and she did not let him or her know that she was upset. I would try to convince her to go. It is not about the date it is about the memories of fun and friends so if I was her I would go and I would enjoy my dance with my friends. Good Luck to her

suesues
by Silver Member on May. 5, 2012 at 7:42 AM

wow alittle long but she should go she was going anyway with out b  show them she is going anyway

zannahdeux
by on May. 5, 2012 at 8:24 AM
1 mom liked this
First of all I think both of you are putting way more thought into this than is deserved...don't over think it....he Said he can't go...maybe it was a joke, maybe some family thing came up....who cares...teach your daughter to keep her head held high and that her worth is not connected to who asks her out or what some dumb boy thinks of her! Sounds like she needs some self esteem work.....i
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