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Moms with Teens Moms with Teens

They say that being a grandparent is a wonderful thing! You get to spoil your grandkids before handing them back to their parents. Well, I just turned 40 and discovered that my 17 year old daughter is now pregnant.  She had dropped out of high school (all the teachers were bitches and stupid, according to her); following the older crowd, not coming home on time, etc.

Anyway, she has a boyfriend that she adores. He's a college sophmore and what not. I refused to have him in my apartment because they are both sexually active. My daughter lived a sheltered life. In fact her grandmother used to supercede every attempt I'd make to discipline her, sabotage even. My daughter knew that whenever she'd mess up, she get rewarded.

So I was hurt and livid when the pregnancy test had two stripes. She said that I shouldn't be angry, grinning all the while.  It just so happens that she knew about it the whole time; she just went through the motions. I had planned to get into a job training program which offers GED classes and money. The only stipulation is that she don't get pregnant.

That's now out the window and tough love is now instilled. I said to her that she's now an adult and this responsibility is now hers. She and the bf must now figure out what they want to do. Abortion is out of the question, she said. I blunty told her that I will not take care of this baby. I love my daughter but at the same time, she must learn about life and its struggles. Having a baby is not like playing with a stuffed animal or a doll. You don't get to abandon it just because you're tired of playing with it.

The history I've had with her was hell. She has burned alot of bridges and has continued to do so here. Sigh, me, a grandmother at 40.

by on May. 8, 2012 at 8:06 AM
Replies (11-20):
atlmom2
by Susie on May. 8, 2012 at 2:17 PM
1 mom liked this

The baby is hers.  She needs to step up and be responsible for the baby.  Financially also.  She seems to be in a fantasy world. She will get a dose of reality soon though.  She will find out its not so fun and she needs to find this out. 

lentbritt
by on May. 8, 2012 at 2:32 PM

so? My mom as a grand mother at 37 but i was 19 when i had my baby and married. I guess some parents are more supportive then others. My mother didn't want to acknowledge that she was going to be a grandma. My mom always said " she will call me queen i will never be grandma"....as soon as my LO was born she instantly became Nana and calls daily and sees my LO daily maybe in time you will get over it and maybe your child will grow up. I feel bad for you and your situation.

I am actually older than your Jesus. I wish I could have known him, but I missed it.

fammatthews4
by Trisha on May. 8, 2012 at 3:14 PM
2 moms liked this

I'm sorry that you are going through such a rough time.  I think you should step back and let your DD figure things out on her own.  Be there for support but that's it.

mumsy2three
by Shauna on May. 8, 2012 at 5:57 PM
2 moms liked this

I'm sorry. I can only imagine how difficult it is.

If I were in that situation I would be supportive but not financially support her. I would encourage her to get her GED and find a job.

atlmom2
by Susie on May. 8, 2012 at 6:10 PM
1 mom liked this

I agree.  She will have a huge dose of reality soon.  She needs ambition and soon.  The world is a cruel place and now she will have another life to take care of.  Seems like she can't take care of herself. 

Quoting mumsy2three:

I'm sorry. I can only imagine how difficult it is.

If I were in that situation I would be supportive but not financially support her. I would encourage her to get her GED and find a job.


Come join me at The Duggars Debate, The Good, The Bad and the Ugly

PinkieRed
by on May. 8, 2012 at 6:24 PM
1 mom liked this
I agree with the other moms who said to not step in and raise your grandchild. To me that would be a sure route to your daughter getting pregnant again before she is able to care for a second child.

I don't blame you for being disappointed. Sadly, your daughter doesn't even sound capable of taking care of herself, let alone a baby.

I don't want to become a grandma at 40 either. Not because I think 40 is too young to be a grandma necessarily, but because my daughter will only be 16 then, and I don't want her to become a teen mom.

No, I don't think you should take your disappointment out on the baby, but I certainly would not expect you to be thrilled, given the circumstances that your daughter is going to be bringing the baby into, either.
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imperfectmom72
by on May. 8, 2012 at 6:44 PM

To all have responded: I have not indicated in my post that that was my intention, to take this out on my future grandkid. Of course not! It's not the baby's fault that he or she would be born into a very unstable world by irresponsible parents! Believe me, it was hard to let go...I honestly thought that I would prosecuted if I backed off and not take her back in my house.  She left on her own violition.  Truth be told, her grandmother has legal custody (albeit temporary as there was no end date); most of the burden was mine as my mother was ill with diabetes and other ailments (she was in and out of hospitals). So, the stress was on me. My daughter lived with my brother and his family out of state but she screwed that up when she came back to my state to visit. 

As the other reader said, maybe it was all about me. All I wanted what was best for her. I had tried to pick up the pieces when my brother couldn't deal with her behavior any longer and brought her back to me. Apparently getting an education was on her low list of priorities.

Because she refused to adhere to the house rules and adamant refusal to do chores (her bedroom is also sloppy and dirty), it was a battle. I grew tired of asking time and time again to clean up after herself; I'd get back talk. It was very frustrating for me, and for the family as well. When she wasn't at home, we were  at peace. The apartment would stay clean and it was quiet. *sigh*.

At this moment I have to help myself (getting and keeping a job, saving money and moving out of my parents' house) and get into therapy. Thank you all for your thoughts and advice, I definitely will put them into practice.  

.KanaLee.
by on May. 9, 2012 at 10:23 AM
This

Quoting connietrrll:

I don't think taking it out on your unborn grandchild is right! I also would think there is a huge issue between the 2(your daughter and yourself) of you, if she is out doing the stuff that got her into trouble in the first place!

First let me say there is nothing wrong with being a grandmother at 40. I was a grandmother at 40, to a beatiful little girl that is one of the apples of this Nana's eyes! There are 4 kids all together. They are my stepdaughters children!

You need to learn not to make your daughters mistakes about you! She is the one that will have to live with them. By saying things like I am going to be a grandma at 40, I had to go to school because of things she did, I had planned to get her into this program, you are making about yourself!

At this point in her life, you can only advise her to do what is right. It is no longer what you want! It is hard but you have to step back, and let her do what she is going to do.

But, as a parent of children older then your daughter, I suggest that you find a  way to be there for her when she needs you. Because I guarantee she will need you! By fighting with her and her boyfriend you are doing yourself, and your daughter a huge injustice!

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whitedaisies
by on May. 9, 2012 at 10:49 AM

that's rough, but through it all maybe you and your daughter will regain a good relationship and bond, because once that baby is born you will love it more than life and will do everything to help protect it. my mom had me when she was 17 and went through the same things while she was pregnant, but once i was born my grandparents embraced my mother and i and helped raise me so that i wouldn't miss out on love, support, or family. i can honestly say that if it weren't for my grandparents i would not be the person i am today. i love them more than life, and my mom too. we are best friends. good luck and keep an open-mind, be supportive. it's going to be hard on her no matter what. she will need you.

JustShawna
by on May. 9, 2012 at 2:01 PM
1 mom liked this

I totally agree with you mama! As I've told my boys - if you get a girl pregnant, you are old enough to do the deed then you are old enough to be and act like an adult. It's your turn to raise a child. They both know that they will not get a ton of help from us. If they get a girl pregnant they will have repercussions, etc. They were "man enough" to have sex, now they will be man enough to take care of the baby (and the girl if it comes to that.) Good luck on your dilimma. I hope it all works out for you! Keep us updated!

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