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How to help my daughter see she is a good person

Posted by on May. 14, 2012 at 8:10 AM
  • 12 Replies

OK some backstory here first so you get the idea:

My ex husband was sentenced Friday to 20  years till life for 7 counts of child rape and molestation. It was a almost 4 year three ring legal circus to get him into the court room. His parents are well to do and could afford the best attorney. He had 8 victims two of which were his own kids.

My eldest daughter snapped the night before last. After a lifetime of his abuse, the trial, losing her grandmother, driving from Vegas to Missoula Mt. and back home in a 2 day spree, being pushed by her girlfriend she just lost it.  I do NOT condone hitting, ever.  She and her GF got into a fight that turned into something like a WWF cage match.  They both have bruises and cuts.

Now she feels completely disgusted and totally lost. As she says "I'm not that person" and no she isn't. She's been a turn-the-other-cheek girl for a long time. Or as I call it.. a pressure cooker. Bottles until it explodes.  She has asked to go to therapy and as the vicitm of a crime, or series of them, she is entitled to it.  But that doesn't help me help her to see she is still a wonderful girl who just lost control.  How do I get her to see she is still the same beautiful girl, inside and out, that she was a week ago?

by on May. 14, 2012 at 8:10 AM
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Replies (1-10):
zannahdeux
by on May. 14, 2012 at 8:37 AM
3 moms liked this
First of all I am so sorry for you and your kids...but Are you trying to fix years of abuse by someone she she have been able to trust the most with a sentence or gesture? Momma you can't. She needs to be in therapy and I also suggest a martial art for her. I know a lot of women he her position who have benefited getting their anger out in a safe productive way, plus it boots self esteem and their learn how to defend themselves. All of these things will help her be a bit more grounded and help her maintain a more even keel. Also if gf is aggressive perhaps she is not with the right person....maybe you can steer her to a better relationship
MB13
by on May. 14, 2012 at 9:33 AM
2 moms liked this

I agree that therapy is a must!  I also think the martial arts, or some type of physical exercise would help her feel better about herself.  She needs your love and support to help her through this difficult time.  Give her lots of hugs!

cowboys49
by on May. 14, 2012 at 10:36 AM

Hi Jincks013.  As I read your post, I felt very helpless for you and your kids who have suffered abuse and hurt from a rich jerk.  He is the bad guy and I am happy he is being put away.  I know that you have been through tremendous hurt, shame, etc., but I feel that looking at your daughter's friend is not where the healing will come from or the answer to her insecure feelings.  I must tell you it starts with mom and how mom acts, feels about herself and how you stand up for yourself.  You and the kids should enroll in martial arts.  This bothers me so much I can go on and on but i won't.  Mom, you get strong, begin to love yourself and get strong and tough for your kids to see you like that.  They need to see you strong.  You also must get close to your daughter.  Listen to her 100 times if necessary.  It's never too late.  Be all eyes, all ears, listen and show your kids, each one, that you love them and also don't put another abuser in their lives.  Please don't look for any other child to help your daughter.  You must do it.  Sit down with her, have lots of quiet moments with her, learn how to be there.  Read books about how to do this.  You are all she's got.  You're in my thoughts and prayers.   

cowboys49
by on May. 14, 2012 at 10:45 AM
1 mom liked this

And also Jincks013, I really admire your courage in sharing this and leaving yourself wide open.  Most would not have done this so I thank you and do hope that my earlier comments were helpful.  This is a lot to read and absorb and provide a helpful response to all at once.  But stay here because this is a good outlet and you can get very helpful and encouraging advice from other moms. 

Jessiejack
by Silver Member on May. 14, 2012 at 3:01 PM
3 moms liked this
Therapy and years of it. But also if you can find a group where she could help other kids that went through the same thing she did. It will help her to become strong and face the abuse head on. I would start with big brother/big sister and see if they have any children in need of a big sister. Or find a program that has a big sister for her. Someone who can relate. Remind her that standing/speaking up makes her strong. And that she has already helped others by going through this and helping to put her own father in jail. I as a parent of an abused child want to thank you both for standing up to the abuser and doing what is right. Cases like yours help cases like mine. You are both so strong.
rkoloms
by on May. 14, 2012 at 3:05 PM
Unfortunate, this is a situation without a "quick fix". Healing from years of abuse is a process, not an event. Your daughter's therapist may have suggestions for you.
I hope that you are also in therapy; I can't imagine coming out of this horror unscathed.
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drfink
by Emily on May. 14, 2012 at 5:42 PM
1 mom liked this

It is huge that she has asked for therapy.She has a lot of work in front of her but she has cleared one of the biggest hurdles and hardest things to admit :.needing outside help.Smart ,smart young woman.Maybe you can help her under stand her outburst by explaining things kept in a dark environment can fester.She hasn't had therapy so all that she has experienced and for years was forced to keep inside and it had to come out.Many of my clients when I worked had suffered abuse ,no implied criticism of them at all,but her pop off is very ,very mild.She made a mistake ,owned up to it and is wanting to change what caused it ...wow...sounds like a pretty mature young woman.We all make mistakes it is what we do about them that is the true measure of a person.

Good luck to all of you.

PinkieRed
by on May. 14, 2012 at 5:47 PM
1 mom liked this
I'm so sorry. What a horrible thing for both you and your daughter to have gone through.

I agree with the other moms about therapy, especially if she can find a therapist who specializes in helping victims of sexual abuse.

She can also contact an organization called RAINN - the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (I can't remember the web address off hand) for help.
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02nana07
by Ida on May. 14, 2012 at 6:08 PM
2 moms liked this

 Therapy will help her see things as she should and to understand what happened and how to prevent it from happening again she will learn ways to release her anger instead of keeping it in until she explodes 

FindersKeepers
by on May. 14, 2012 at 6:11 PM
1 mom liked this

There is a quote by Anne Frank... “Don't condemn me, remember rather that sometimes I, too, can reach the bursting point.”

Your DD has been under a considerable amount of stress... and she reached her bursting point.  She is not happy with her actions, she caused no permanent damage and is seeking counsilling.   Give her a hug, the Anne Frank quote, and a journal.    And her and her gril friend should talk... appologize to each other.

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