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So sad for my sons... need advice...UPDATE!!!!

Posted by on May. 28, 2012 at 1:57 AM
  • 101 Replies
1 mom liked this
Ok moms, I really need some advice. Im a married mom of 2 boys, 13 and 7 1/2. Im concerned about both my boys but especially my 13 yr old cuz hes at such a critical age. My hubby is their bio father and the kids were NOT accidents. The problem is he doesnt take an active role in our sons lives. He is here but not so much emotionally. I know my 13 yr old could really use a strong fatherly influence and I have told hubby that but it always ends up in a fight. Im at my wits end! Sometimes I wish I could buy my kids a new dad. My hubby is emotionally distant with me as well, but my main concern is my boys. I try to be both mom and dad but Im not a man and I think they really need their dad. Has anyone else had this problem? I just feel so bad for my boys and I dont know what to do :-(Update:Thank you ladies, all of you for taking the time to read and respond to my post.I am totally amazed at the response!Everybody had great advide and I was actually surprised to see how many other moms have/had this or a similiar issue.I wouldn't wish this on anyone,but it's nice to know I'm not the only one with this problem.I don't feel so alone anymore.As people were responding I wasn't exactly sure how to respond back to a specific response.I tried,but usually I'm mobile and it's not a touch phone so I can't see everything.One mom asked if I work and if not,why not? I'm on disability and have been for about 16 years for depression/anxiety. So I do have money coming in,sometimes as much as my husband brings home for the month.A lot of you suggested Boy Scouts. My youngest is in Cub Scouts since the beginning of this past school year,and yes it's ME that takes him to all the meetings and such. He loves it and so we will continue it. My older son will not join. He is like me in that he has social anxiety, plus he says it's so NOT cool to join at his age.I'm not gonna force him.Both my boys are AWESOME and they know we BOTH love them,they're just way closer to me.They are my world! Sorry so long. Thank you everyone so much for caring and sharing!
by on May. 28, 2012 at 1:57 AM
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annie2244
by Silver Member on May. 28, 2012 at 10:30 AM
38 moms liked this

You aren't going to change his personality. The best you can hope for is an uptick occasionally on behaviors. If it was me, I'd make a list of specific things you think the boys would appreciate from him - such as: ask them each 3 questions at dinner every night, at their bedtime(s), stop by their bedroom door and say goodnight, every Saturday morning take one of them out for breakfast and hit a bucket of balls at the golf course, everytime something in the house needs fixing, take one of the kids along and pay them an hourly rate for their handyman learning services,etc. Draft up a list, ask him to augment it, and to do it because he loves you and them even if he doesn't think it's that important or fun for him, to basically humor you in this. Then remind him of the stuff he says he'll commit to (nicely) and let it go. He is who he is. Many kids have had distant fathers and turned out ok. It's not ideal, but you're not in control of this, and you'll be happier if you accept this.

luckysevenwow
by Platinum Member on May. 28, 2012 at 10:49 AM
3 moms liked this

This is really good advice..

Quoting annie2244:

You aren't going to change his personality. The best you can hope for is an uptick occasionally on behaviors. If it was me, I'd make a list of specific things you think the boys would appreciate from him - such as: ask them each 3 questions at dinner every night, at their bedtime(s), stop by their bedroom door and say goodnight, every Saturday morning take one of them out for breakfast and hit a bucket of balls at the golf course, everytime something in the house needs fixing, take one of the kids along and pay them an hourly rate for their handyman learning services,etc. Draft up a list, ask him to augment it, and to do it because he loves you and them even if he doesn't think it's that important or fun for him, to basically humor you in this. Then remind him of the stuff he says he'll commit to (nicely) and let it go. He is who he is. Many kids have had distant fathers and turned out ok. It's not ideal, but you're not in control of this, and you'll be happier if you accept this.


MrsBLB
by on May. 28, 2012 at 11:45 AM

I like these ideas.

Quoting annie2244:

You aren't going to change his personality. The best you can hope for is an uptick occasionally on behaviors. If it was me, I'd make a list of specific things you think the boys would appreciate from him - such as: ask them each 3 questions at dinner every night, at their bedtime(s), stop by their bedroom door and say goodnight, every Saturday morning take one of them out for breakfast and hit a bucket of balls at the golf course, everytime something in the house needs fixing, take one of the kids along and pay them an hourly rate for their handyman learning services,etc. Draft up a list, ask him to augment it, and to do it because he loves you and them even if he doesn't think it's that important or fun for him, to basically humor you in this. Then remind him of the stuff he says he'll commit to (nicely) and let it go. He is who he is. Many kids have had distant fathers and turned out ok. It's not ideal, but you're not in control of this, and you'll be happier if you accept this.


tyfry7496
by on May. 28, 2012 at 11:54 AM
19 moms liked this
Ask a male relative to step in. If dad can't be a dad then find a replacement for him. Uncle, grandpa, family friend, coach or teacher.
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PinkieRed
by on May. 28, 2012 at 12:01 PM
I agree with this. My husband didn't have a close relationship with his dad growing up, but was very close to his mom.

My husband pretty much became estranged from his dad after his mom died, when he was 19. His dad was living across the country when my husband and I met, and I only met/talked to his dad once, at my husband's youngest brother's funeral. His dad died when our daughter was about 4, and she had never known her grandpa.

I was the opposite - I had a closer relationship with my dad growing up than my mom.

My husband is a loving parent to our kids though, including our son, even though he didn't have much of a father figure growing up.


Quoting annie2244:

You aren't going to change his personality. The best you can hope for is an uptick occasionally on behaviors. If it was me, I'd make a list of specific things you think the boys would appreciate from him - such as: ask them each 3 questions at dinner every night, at their bedtime(s), stop by their bedroom door and say goodnight, every Saturday morning take one of them out for breakfast and hit a bucket of balls at the golf course, everytime something in the house needs fixing, take one of the kids along and pay them an hourly rate for their handyman learning services,etc. Draft up a list, ask him to augment it, and to do it because he loves you and them even if he doesn't think it's that important or fun for him, to basically humor you in this. Then remind him of the stuff he says he'll commit to (nicely) and let it go. He is who he is. Many kids have had distant fathers and turned out ok. It's not ideal, but you're not in control of this, and you'll be happier if you accept this.

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zannahdeux
by on May. 28, 2012 at 12:04 PM
Was he like this before or did he suddenly change?
tiredmomof4kids
by on May. 28, 2012 at 1:10 PM

I know just what that feels like. I have 3 boys well 2 are men now. Boys need there dads in thier lives. Even if the man is not the bio father they need strong male influences in thier lives especially when 13 hits. We as mothers can teach our boys to be good in school, teach them manners, teach them all we can 2 prepare them 4 whats to come in thier future. But thier is 1 thing I learned raising my 2 olderboys by myself without a real man. Is we as women can not teach them how 2 grow up and become men! my 2 older boys have such problems in thier lives now because that real man was not there 2 show them the way. I know u cant change ur husband but u need to communicate ur concerns with him so maybe he will realize he has 2 get a hold of his boys b4 it's 2 late. And never discount that ur husband might not had a real man in his life and he don't know how 2 b that father 2 ur boys that he needs 2 be. I learned this 2 late I dont want t the same 2 happen 2 ur boys like it happened 2 mine.

ashleighmama
by Ashleigh on May. 28, 2012 at 1:10 PM
He wasnt always like this, it was a slow change. I dont know if it makes a difference or not but I an 40 and hes 51.

Quoting zannahdeux:

Was he like this before or did he suddenly change?
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bizzeemom2717
by on May. 28, 2012 at 1:33 PM
I agree with this, (((hugs)))

Quoting tyfry7496:

Ask a male relative to step in. If dad can't be a dad then find a replacement for him. Uncle, grandpa, family friend, coach or teacher.
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Jinx-Troublex3
by Bronze Member on May. 28, 2012 at 2:12 PM
5 moms liked this
You could be talking about my DH he hasn't been involved for years. He works a lot, sleeps a lot and his idea of interacting with the kids is playing video games. @@

I make a point to do more with the kids, I push DH to do more, I make sure he knows when activities are coming up he can attend. Sometimes he comes, sometimes not.

My Dad has really stepped up and is a great role model for the kids. He does boy scouts (which DH hates) with the boys and we spend a lot of time at my parent's house. He is teaching DS1 woodworking and how to do handyman stuff. DS1,14yo,said the other day, "Mom..ha! I made you smile! I wish I could make dad smile...the only way is to tell drity inappropriate jokes" So very sad.
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