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My son is 17 and in rehab/boarding school and is coming home for a "home visit" HELP! I'm so nervous I can't sleep

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My 17 year old son has been in rehab/boarding school since November of last year. He has done very well there and we have gone to visit him 4 times and now it is time for his home visit  for 10 days. It is very strange, but all of a sudden 10 days seems like a really long time and I am so nervous that he is going to relapse, or start fights in our house and run away like he used to. I am so nervous about this visit that I can barely sleep. Any suggestions or ideas on things to do/talk about would be greatly appreciated! I want to trust him, I am just apprehensive....

by on Jun. 16, 2012 at 6:53 PM
Replies (11-18):
liseelee
by on Jun. 17, 2012 at 12:16 AM

Yes, on Monday we will be having a family phone call and then his therapist will be going over the rules with him then calling me to go over them with me. I have put in an email to her also ....

Quoting wodntulk2kno1:

Is there anyone at his school you can talk to about your concerns to come up with a plan of the what ifs to put your mind at ease. My brother was at a similar school and we use to visit and he would come home. I dont remember it being for those many days but it was akward just because he had a nerviness about himself that seem to put everyone on edge. He means well but I know it is not easy.


wodntulk2kno1
by on Jun. 17, 2012 at 12:21 AM
Thats good. You also need to remember part of his recovery is obeying the rules set forth. He is in control of his recovery. So no need to be over him like a hawk. They teach them these things and just cause he is coming for a visit the rules still apply. Best of luck



Quoting liseelee:

Yes, on Monday we will be having a family phone call and then his therapist will be going over the rules with him then calling me to go over them with me. I have put in an email to her also ....


Quoting wodntulk2kno1:

Is there anyone at his school you can talk to about your concerns to come up with a plan of the what ifs to put your mind at ease. My brother was at a similar school and we use to visit and he would come home. I dont remember it being for those many days but it was akward just because he had a nerviness about himself that seem to put everyone on edge. He means well but I know it is not easy.



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ashleighmama
by Ashleigh on Jun. 17, 2012 at 12:31 AM
Now that Im a parent to a 13 year old son I can definately see it from a moms perspective. I know as a mom you HAVE to monitor what hes doing on this visit. I really do hope it goes good for both of you! Trust me, hes just as nervous about a lot of the same things you are. Just a warning: IF he lashes out at you with words please dont take it personally. If he does harbor some resentment, I think it would be better to address it now instead of him holding it all in and it brewing inside him til he comes home for good or possibly for years and having it cause a rift between you two. BY NO MEANS am I saying to be a doormat and let him go off on you. If he can stay calm, let him voice how pissed he was/is and just remind him that you love him. By the way, my mom and I are best friends. Can I ask what school it is? If you dont want to say, I understand.

Quoting fantasticfour:

I'm surprised there wasn't a counseling session where everyone got their concerns viewed before coming home.  Wish I could help.

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bizzeemom2717
by on Jun. 17, 2012 at 2:38 AM
When you have your talk on the phone, make sure you ask for and write down the specifics of his Relapse Prevention Plan, this is crucial. Go over the plan when he first gets home. Be consistent and stick with it. Sounds like your DS is doing great, I'm sure he is invested in staying clean on his visit as well. Are there any AA or NA support groups he can attend? He could go to a meeting and request a local, temp sponsor. Good luck!

Quoting liseelee:

Yes, on Monday we will be having a family phone call and then his therapist will be going over the rules with him then calling me to go over them with me. I have put in an email to her also ....


Quoting wodntulk2kno1:

Is there anyone at his school you can talk to about your concerns to come up with a plan of the what ifs to put your mind at ease. My brother was at a similar school and we use to visit and he would come home. I dont remember it being for those many days but it was akward just because he had a nerviness about himself that seem to put everyone on edge. He means well but I know it is not easy.


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liseelee
by on Jun. 17, 2012 at 3:59 AM
Quoting ashleighmama:

Now that Im a parent to a 13 year old son I can definately see it from a moms perspective. I know as a mom you HAVE to monitor what hes doing on this visit. I really do hope it goes good for both of you! Trust me, hes just as nervous about a lot of the same things you are. Just a warning: IF he lashes out at you with words please dont take it personally. If he does harbor some resentment, I think it would be better to address it now instead of him holding it all in and it brewing inside him til he comes home for good or possibly for years and having it cause a rift between you two. BY NO MEANS am I saying to be a doormat and let him go off on you. If he can stay calm, let him voice how pissed he was/is and just remind him that you love him. By the way, my mom and I are best friends. Can I ask what school it is? If you dont want to say, I understand.

Quoting fantasticfour:

I'm surprised there wasn't a counseling session where everyone got their concerns viewed before coming home.  Wish I could help.

He is at Diamond Ranch Academy in Utah, and thank you for all of your responses. I don't take his anger personally, I know he is angry about the way things turned out and the fact that he had to go to this school and be away from home, but I also know that he knows that I tried EVERYTHING to not have this happen and he continued to make the choices that almost landed him in the California Youth Authority. THis school was where he went to avoid the prison for kids. I felt that if he went there that I might lose him to the system forever, and I couldn't let that happen. I have already checked out the NA meetings and that is going to part of the daily routine on the visit. Thank you for all your help and advice!

momof2boyz21
by on Jun. 17, 2012 at 9:28 AM

Hello Liseelee,

    Look I understand where you are coming from, My son is now 20 yrs. old and he went away for 4 years to jail when he was with his Dad. When he lived with his Dad he would not let me see him so when all this happened to fought for custody and won, so when he got out of jail I was nervous as hell. I was afraid thast he would go back to his old ways and would not listen to a think I told him. I was not able to sleep for weeks before he came home,so the day I went to go get him we had time to have a long talk. What I think that you need to do is Be open and honest with him about how you feel. Let him know that you are very proud of how far he has come. Let him also know that if there is anything that he needs to talk to you about that you are going to be there for him no matter what it is. Also if he has any issues with the rules that the center has sent back with you then talk about every one that bothers him and why they do so. I would alos find out if there are any nw things that he likes to do that you can do while he is home. This is time to spend lots of family time together. I know that you have missed him so much and I bet he has missed you too. Believe in your heart thathings are going to be so much better. And I know that as the 10 days start to wind down that you are going to wish that you could have him there longer. But the best thing to do is take baby steps, don't just jump into it all at once. He has chabged and so have you and the family so this is going to be a very good experince for all of you. Best Wishes and know that we are all thinking about you and God will be with you too. Prayer will take you a long way. Please let us know how things are going.

                                      Tammy


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shallen0814
by on Jun. 17, 2012 at 10:02 AM
1 mom liked this

I pray things go well for you. Remember he is going to be a different kid now that he is sober so hopefully you will be able to communicate more effectively than you remember. Also remember that he is still dealing and fighting through the issues that may have made him turn to drugs in the first place so be sensitive to those.  hopefully he has some clean living friends or family his age that can relate to him on his level and encourage him to keep moving forward.  best of luck!!!!!!!!!!

chloesmommy777
by on Jun. 17, 2012 at 11:22 PM

Give him the benefit of the doubt, but, if he acts up (he might, he might not), feel free to call the cops on him--for your sake as well as his. I know some stuff about this first hand. I've had friends in school who were in his shoes and I knew their awesome parents in your shoes--their parents didn't call the police when they should have and these youngsters died as a result. Don't EVER feel guilty! This is true "tough love."  P.S. Try to be upbeat while being truthful: in other words, be compassionate without allowing him to force you to walk on eggshells and all over you. All teens can be a lot like giant toddlers with additional vocabulary and super power eye rolling abilities... be gentle, but, don't give in.

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