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Moms with Teens Moms with Teens

Do you like who they are dating?

Posted by on Jun. 22, 2012 at 3:38 PM
  • 25 Replies

My only child started dating for the first time last year (17 yr old)and my husband and I are not fond of the person. We never imagined that our child would date someone like this and it never occured to us  that they would date someone so totally opposite of our lifestyle, morals, etc. They seem obsessed with each other and I know have even talked about marrying each other in the future-this is scary to us. I know that at this stage of their lives it is more "lust" than "love" but of course they don't get that yet, and think it is love. We have had many talks about being safe and hope that they are, but who really knows for sure. So what do you do when your child dates someone you don't really like and think they are head over heels in love? Do you say anything, or keep your mouth shut and hope for the best. They think I am  unhappy with the situation and that my husband is fine with it, but he is not, does he start saying things or not? I know most people say not to say anything but by doing so are we making it like it is okay with us? We are hoping that since they are going to separate colleges this will help, but with all the technology today they can keep in constant touch anyway so will probably not date anyone else because they can still see each other everyday on the computer! Just would like some other points of view. Thanks

by on Jun. 22, 2012 at 3:38 PM
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Replies (1-10):
danimomof8
by on Jun. 22, 2012 at 4:10 PM

well I get how you feel!!! I am a proud mom of four teen girls so i know about it , the oldest will be 18 soon and she is very down to earth so she has never dated anyone like siriously so yeah, but then my 16 year old once dated an 18 year old while she was 14! me and my husband went crazy and we just told her she wasn´t allowed to see him anymore and that just caused her to start missing classes to see him so we just sat down and told her like hey sweetie we love you and we just think that maybe you are making a mistake this guy is way to old for you and all of that she just sat there and said ok can i go now when we finished but then like month later our prayers were answeared and she herself ended the relationship and came home and said like mom you were right! so i believe it´s all about giving them your hand but let them dicide when to take it ! she´ll be fine just believe in her that she herself will make that desicion of whats best for her! kisses hope i helped! i´ll make a prayer for you tonight! and sorry for bad grammar english is not my first language!!

DarlaHood
by on Jun. 22, 2012 at 4:48 PM
2 moms liked this

Boy do I know how you feel!  I went through this with both my dd's, and it sucks!!  I have found that it is never helpful to say anything negative about the guy because that only prompts your dd to defend him, and puts those defensive arguments in her mind.  You can point out lots of things about relationships in general.  What they should be like.  What healthy relationships look like, etc...  You can point out dysfunctional things in other people's relationships.  You can get her thinking about what she should look for in a lfe partner.  But stop there, and don't attack the boy.  If there is certain behavior that he has that crosses the line, you can carefully address the behavior.  And when she's upset at him, just hug her and say you understand.  Don't take the opportunity to attack.  If you are modeling a good relationship, and she was raised better, she will come to her senses.  And take heart because it can be a good learning experience.  The odds are with you.  Most teenage relationships are not permanent and run their course. 

sunflowers12
by on Jun. 22, 2012 at 8:25 PM
You know at this point it really doesn't matter much what you or dh think and I don't say this to be mean, but I have been throu this three times now with my three oldest kids... Yeah they found someone that is so opposite its scarey...

They believe things that I thought I was working so hard to pervent instead they embraced the others life styles leaving everything I thought I was teaching in the dust!!!

Kids are going to do what ever they want whether dear ol mom and dad like it or not... So what to do when they don't wanta live by the rules you have set let them go movie out and let the baby bird fly on its own...

Funny thing life is once was lust thought to be love turns into bills/ work and how are we going to make all we owe each month surprising how these relationship fizzle apart because there was no real foundation to begin with... This is how I feel my oldest has been... The two of them were inseparable now 6 year later he want to live somewhere else and dd is going to find her own place...

I think its great personally I am hoping that the separation helps the two if them to move on find someone new... But I guess I just have to wait in see... Good luck with your son:) its never easy seeing certain things...
annie2244
by Silver Member on Jun. 22, 2012 at 8:53 PM

My oldest, 16 DD, just brought home her first guy today. She told me about him earlier in the week. We've told her it's important to pick out someone who takes school seriously and is respectful about himself and others. We'd also feel more comfortable if he also was from a lower crime neighborhood and had hard working strict parents, because that environment would support his not making bad choices for his own good and for his influence on her, and make us more inclined to let her possibly spend time at his house/neighborhood instead of just ours. She said yes, he's in all challenge classes except not the highest possible math class (and I said yeah! takes his future seriously), and he works full time in the summer (and I said, yeah! hard working!) and has been driving for a yr and never gotten into any type of accident (and I said, yeah! perhaps responsible and level headed!).

And then we went over again my strong view that she only engage in kissing, not be sexually active in high school, and she said 'of course, mom, plus, it's not like I'm gonna marry him".

The entire conversation made me feel better that she has standards for who she picks to spend time with, and views high school dating as amusement, not possibly to waylay her from undergraduate and then graduate studies and more relationship experiences.

So, so far so good. But clearly hardly even started down the road of a parent of a dating teen.

And I totally disagree that they don't care what you think and that  talking about things that concern you will drive them more together. Totally disagree. They still very much value our approval. Dissing the guy is not gonna help. But discussing what behaviors you see that give you concern, and why it concerns you, still leaving it completely in her court to agree or disagree, see the boy or not (as long as he's not over the line, doing illegal stuff/skipping school or failing classes, in which case I have no prob banning the relationship and making it harder for them to get together, and still having an ongoing debate about it)- but to tell you why these things aren't a problem in her view, and debate the issues, helps your kid think through her views and ponder yours. She may not admit it at the time of the conversation, but it seeps in. Exchange of views is SO essential in turning an adolescent into a solid adult.

fantasticfour
by Grumpy on Jun. 23, 2012 at 12:42 AM

Went through this with the oldest, I have no advice but wish you luck.  Nothing we tried worked or got him to see that she was a lieing little witch.  I'm sorry, that was mean to witches.

bizzeemom2717
by on Jun. 23, 2012 at 2:17 AM
My 19y/o has been dating the same gf for 3 years this July. While I used to wish he had not tied himself down so young, I'm truly grateful she is such a wonderful girl and a member of our family. She and he are both living with us this summer and thankfully she's like a DD to me.
My niece was dating a guy my SIL could not stand. She talked to my niece over and over but she just got defensive. They eventually broke up with she left for college. Best of luck and hang in there.
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wodntulk2kno1
by on Jun. 23, 2012 at 2:51 AM
Yes I actually do.
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momofhnd
by Member on Jun. 23, 2012 at 2:52 AM
1 mom liked this
Dd is 16 and has her first bf and I love the.kid to death.. he does.not live here, he lives 4 almost 5 hrs away.. he will be here until the 7 th if July, I'm going to miss him like crazy, tonight we thought he was going to have to go home tomorrow but his mom decided to.let him stay , actually he is staying the night here at my house.. they are watching tv but soon dd will go to her room and he will stay on the couch.. I hope that these two kids stay together..
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mumsy2three
by Shauna on Jun. 23, 2012 at 8:45 AM

I do like my dd's current boyfriend. There is only one guy that she dated that I really could not stand.

annie2244
by Silver Member on Jun. 23, 2012 at 10:11 AM

 

Quoting momofhnd:

Dd is 16 and has her first bf and I love the.kid to death.. he does.not live here, he lives 4 almost 5 hrs away.. he will be here until the 7 th if July, I'm going to miss him like crazy, tonight we thought he was going to have to go home tomorrow but his mom decided to.let him stay , actually he is staying the night here at my house.. they are watching tv but soon dd will go to her room and he will stay on the couch.. I hope that these two kids stay together..

You hope your 16 y/o stays together with her first boyfriend who lives 5 hrs away? Why???? Why would you not prefer her to have a series of relationships with lovely guys as she furthers her education and learns who she is and what kind of a person she would like to settle down with? It doesn't mean she stops contact with him, I was more distantly friends with some of my ex-boyfriends in hs and college. Your level of interest in this is also a little off - 'you're going to miss him like crazy'? If you and he have a connection, there's no reason you can't a couple times a year check in on how he's doing, just like you might with one of your DD's girlfriends who you like and who likes you. But I'd separate the ability of this nice boy to have a lingering more limited friendship with you and with your DD, from her continuing to have him as her BF,  That would mean that all thru high school, she forsakes the other relationships of boys who don't live 5 hrs away during her next 2 yrs of hs, and then presumably selects a college not on each person's interests, but rather based on being together, and then forsakes the experience of other guys and self-focused personal growth in undergrad so she can continue with the one and only guy she's ever dated, who her mother has been invested in since she was 16.

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