Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Grandmother died today...ETA Wed 6-27-- no reason for the hassle after all

Posted by on Jun. 24, 2012 at 8:39 PM
  • 82 Replies

My MIL passed away today.She was at her home and had full care.We had been warned a few months ago and she had at home full time Hospice Care.She has  had profound senile dementia for 6 or 7 years and for the past 3 years at least, recognized no one or really knew anything .She talked a lot about coffee and ice cream.She started slipping away on Wed.She would have been 95 on the seventh.

Our teens are at camp till Sat .We ,my husband ...HER son...decided we would tell them and gently encourage them to finish camp if they choose to.I had talked with camp about this possibility and they said in this particular type of situation elderly ,long time sick etc the kids tend to stay at camp.We discussed how it is handled ,the phone call , the care afterwards and they are on top of it.This summer alone a boy has lost a grandparent already.We have a time set up in the morning to call so they can have a good night sleep first and then all day.

Some members of MY family ,not my husbands,are doing back flips .They think they should have no choice and must come home.My MIL and  I were not fond of each other.I am protestant , my parents were divorced LOL two of my BILs are divorced but according to her for good justifiable reasons...the men cheated anyway .I am being told I am allowing them to miss the services out of revenge ???This doesn't influence my decision.My teens visited her often( I took them ) and before they left ,to them their NaNa left years ago which is how my husband and his brothers feel.Sad but the biggest loss for them has already happened.The funny thing is I have hosted my husband's family Thanksgiving and Christmas at her house since 2004.I buy ,set up organize everything .Not so much for my MIL but so my children could still have holidays with NaNa and all their paternal extended family.So nope not allowing them  to stay at camp out thoughtlessness.

So as an outside opinion is it horrid that we will allow them to miss the services? .I can go see them or my uncle ...they are close to him ...is an hour away from them and will go if needed

Tell me what you think.   

__________________________________________________________________________________

First thank you for all the kind words .I have told my husband and he says to tell yall he appreciates your thoughtfulness to him a  complete stranger.He laughed and said obviously only woman answered no trolls because men would just grunt  and move on.I have explained the concept of trolls to him before...he just grins.

So after all the disputes in my side of my family one of my BILs tells his brothers (these are her sons ) he was scheduled for minor day surgery tomorrow Thurs ...first mention of that ...and he had decided he would like not to delay it.Of course his brothers agreed with him.So the Rosary is scheduled for July 6 and her Mass is on her birthday the 7th.

A little vent now but had he spoken up immediately I don't think we would have even told our teens till pick up on Sat. There wouldn't have been any need.I do appreciate it is his mom and he was torn within himself what to do .To delay or not but this is very frustrating to me.His children 12 ...girl and 14...boy are also at camp.

I just keep reminding myself it is his mother and he was upset.....but still frustrating to me and my husband,I am not bringing it back up to my husband but ugh !!!

by on Jun. 24, 2012 at 8:39 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
atlmom2
by Susie on Jun. 24, 2012 at 9:02 PM

I agree with you.  My grandpa, my Mom's Dad, died while she was visiting us when we lived in Italy. She didn't go home and he was cremated and they had a service after she finished her vacation.  That is exactly what he would have wanted her to do also.  He also lived a very long life and died just before his 91st B'day. 

Like you said she left you guys long ago and to the kids she did also. 

andersongirl562
by Member on Jun. 24, 2012 at 9:17 PM
4 moms liked this
No I would not allow my children to miss their grandmothers funeral. They can return to camp after funeral. It is a matter of respect as well as showing support for their Father as well IMO.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
askmommy
by Member on Jun. 24, 2012 at 9:49 PM
If they are only an hour away, why can't they come home for the funeral and go back to camp?

Or, leave it up to the kids. I know that my boys wouldn't hesitate to come home for a few hours for their grandmother, but that's how they are.

If you feel strongly about them not going, then plan an alternate way to remember her. I refused to go to my grandmothers as my bio-dad was not honoring her wishes at all and it would have been too much stress. Instead, my family picked and planted a tree and a had our own ceremony at home. Now we have a daily reminder of her.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
DarlaHood
by on Jun. 24, 2012 at 10:06 PM
2 moms liked this

I don't think you're horrid.  Bottom line is the services are for the living, not the dead.  Each person handles death and services in different ways, especially kids.  They should be allowed to say goodbye to their grandmother in whatever way they choose.  It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.  Considering the situation, I would let them stay at camp, and do something small as a close nuclear family to honor and remember her as their grandmother later.  There are a million meaningful ways to do that, most of which would probably mean more to your kids than having to hug a bunch of older people and strangers at a depressing funeral!

CrazyLife1996
by on Jun. 24, 2012 at 10:10 PM
1 mom liked this
I agree with you. If they want to stay at camp then they should be allowed.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
02nana07
by Ida on Jun. 24, 2012 at 10:19 PM

 I agree they should make their own decision as they are teens and everyone handles death differently.

Don't worry about what others think do what your kids feel they need to do.

ashleighmama
by Ashleigh on Jun. 24, 2012 at 10:22 PM
1 mom liked this
I totally agree with you and hubby. Dementia is a cruel thing. I used to take care of people with it. Imo, your kids lost their grandma(the one she used to be) a few years ago. That was probably hard enough for them, I wouldnt make them come home early from camp to go to the service, which is another sad time. Follow your own instincts on this one mama!
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
EyEmTuRtLe
by Bronze Member on Jun. 24, 2012 at 10:36 PM

Ask yourself... What would ____ do? Then talk to your kids. Let them have a say.

Death is death no matter of how prepared or unprepared everyone is. Funerals and services are more for the living than the dead but it's also the beginning of a closure of a loved ones life. A time to share, cry and reflect about everything that person meant to everyone.

I thought we (DH, DS and I) were ready for over 8 yrs for my biomom's death. But when she passed reality slapped us all really hard. And showed us just how unprepared we really were.

I am sorry for your families loss.

boys2men2soon
by Kimberly on Jun. 24, 2012 at 10:50 PM


Quoting DarlaHood:

I don't think you're horrid.  Bottom line is the services are for the living, not the dead.  Each person handles death and services in different ways, especially kids.  They should be allowed to say goodbye to their grandmother in whatever way they choose.  It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.  Considering the situation, I would let them stay at camp, and do something small as a close nuclear family to honor and remember her as their grandmother later.  There are a million meaningful ways to do that, most of which would probably mean more to your kids than having to hug a bunch of older people and strangers at a depressing funeral!

I agree with this!




drfink
by Emily on Jun. 24, 2012 at 11:07 PM


Quoting atlmom2:

I agree with you.  My grandpa, my Mom's Dad, died while she was visiting us when we lived in Italy. She didn't go home and he was cremated and they had a service after she finished her vacation.  That is exactly what he would have wanted her to do also.  He also lived a very long life and died just before his 91st B'day. 

Like you said she left you guys long ago and to the kids she did also. 

Pretty much how my husband feels.She had chosen cremation years ago but I doubt her sons will delay the service.We have already discussed honoring her birthday on July 7th if they don't come home .It is our 15 y.o's last year as a camper.At 16 /post soph year they becomes Leaders in Training...still fun but not the same.

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)